The look on her face shows her shock. “You wanted him back?”
No. Most definitely not. I don’t want him back. I want my life back. Back when I didn’t have to worry from sunup until sundown if we were going to make it to the next paycheck without our account going negative.
I want to scream in frustration, because I don’t know what I wanted, what I expected to happen. It’s been seven months. I should’ve known in the first one or two that Mike had no desire to work things out. And now that I think about it, I’m actually shocked that, if he knew he didn’t want to fix our marriage, he waited this long to get his own place.
Which sends a shock of panic through my system.
What does that mean?
He can’t afford to pay for two households.
What will I do if he cuts me off?
I’m barely surviving on what he gives me now. Which is my own damn fault, because I told him I didn’t want any more help than what the courts would deem fair for child support for three kids. I should’ve been taking as much as he was willing to give for as long as possible, socking it away for an emergency—or for when this day eventually came.
I finally speak, my voice pathetic, making me cringe at how weak I sound. “I want what we promised each other when we started dating and got married.” I swipe the tears off my cheeks. “I don’t want him, not the man he is now. I just wish that…. I just wish things were different. I wish he didn’t do what he did. I wish I didn’t have to think about starting over, really starting over. I wish my babies didn’t have to jump between his house and mine and that they didn’t have to experience what we did growing up.” A part of me wanted this to be a stupid speedbump we would eventually get over and things would go back to the way they were before. But at the same time, there’s not one ounce of me that would desire Mike ever again. Not after more than half a year has passed without him making any sort of effort to fix things.
“Cece,” she whispers, and it makes the tears come harder when I see she’s got some of her own in her eyes. “They aren’t growing up like we did. The only thing they know is that both their parents love them and are devoted to making sure they are happy. I know this is all hard on them, but I don’t think they’ve ever felt what we did growing up.”
I drop my head, grip the countertop, and sob. “I’m just so mad at him.”
“You have a right to be pissed. That doesn’t make you a bad person. I know this isn’t easy for you, but I do know you are an amazing mom, and even if Mike is an asshole, he’s still a good dad.”
“I hate him,” I whimper, and the next thing I know, she’s pulling me into her arms.
“You don’t.” She rubs my back and rocks me from side to side. “That’s why you’re so mad.”
“You’re right, but I really want to hate him,” I confess against her neck.
“I know you do, and that’s okay. It’s okay to hate him or love him. You can feel however you need to feel. There are no rules.”
I give an unladylike sniff and close my eyes tight. “I just don’t want my babies hurting because of this.”
“It’s going to be okay,” she promises, and there’s so much conviction in her tone I actually believe her. “No matter what happens, it’s going to be okay.”
“Yeah.” I sniffle, leaning back. “You’re right.” I try to smile, but I’m sure it looks more like a grimace, and when her eyes widen, my heart leaps into my throat when I hear the sound of little feet and then Ruby’s sweet voice greeting Mercury and Retro. I quickly turn away, my hands going to my face to wipe away my tears. Thankfully, my sister intervenes before Ruby sees me so upset, giving me a moment to clean myself up so I can face my little girl.
“Hey, trouble,” I hear Mia greet her.
“Mimi!” I hear her giggle, and I know by her squeals that Mia is tickling her.
“Mimi what?” my sister prompts, tickling her more as she comes farther back into the kitchen. And when I’ve pulled myself together, I turn with a fake smile on my face, but seeing two of my favorite people in the whole world looking so happy, it turns into a real one. No matter how shitty things may seem right now, my life isn’t completely in shambles. Not when I’ve been blessed with the best sister a girl could ever ask for and a daughter who lights up the entire world with just one giggle.