She turns around and storms into the house as I watch, and I’m left standing on her front lawn by myself. I don’t move a muscle for fear that I won’t be able to control myself when I do.
A couple minutes later, Sarah and Hayden come running out the door, huge smiles on their faces as they hit me full throttle. They don’t care that I’m dirty and smelly and covered in ash. Which is really saying something for Sarah, since she’s always invested in her fashion.
We go down in the yard in a pile, and all the shit Bethanny just spewed at me starts to fade away.
I know my career hasn’t made life easy on anyone, but at the end of the day, my kids love me. They’re excited to see me when I come and sad to see me go when I leave, and that has to mean I’m doing something right.
Doesn’t it?
Laughing and snorting, Hayden is the first to extricate himself from the pile and take off at a run for my Suburban.
Sarah’s tackle has turned into a hug, so I do my best to climb to my feet without jostling the connection and swipe a hand over her hair before kissing the top of her head.
“Missed you, Sar.”
She shrugs before shoving away and smiling, a glitter in her dark midnight eyes that looks like stars in the sky. “Yeah. I guess I missed you too.”
I laugh, grabbing her shoulder and shaking it gently as I turn us both to the Suburban and start to walk. “Let’s go, then.”
She nods, turning her walk into a jog and running to the car ahead of me.
I glance back at the front window of the house, only to see the curtains sway like they’ve just been dropped back into place. I shake my head. Bethanny.
This is a prime example of why divorce with kids involved is hard.
Bethanny and I might not be husband and wife anymore, but because of our awesome kids, we will always be in each other’s lives.
I just hope that, one day, that reality won’t feel so damn painful. That I won’t have to brace myself for every interaction with her to go sour. One day, I pray that we’re just two people with our own lives and own concerns and the only time we have conversations, they revolve around the kids and not bringing up the past.
Just like my kids, I pick up my pace to a jog and get my ass into the car so we can go to the grocery store and get whatever they want for the day. I haven’t slept in close to forty-eight hours, but I don’t care.
I’ll prop my eyes open with skewers if I have to, just to have the time with them.
“Okay, guys. Do me a favor and put this stuff away. I’ll go shower really quickly, and then the day is yours. We can do whatever you want.”
“Oh, really?” Sarah challenges, and I nod.
“Yeah. Anything you guys want.”
“How about we go score some heroin, hit a rave, and then pick up a couple hookers on our way home from it all?”
I nod at the little shit-stirrer. “Sure, Sar. But none of that really picks up until later in the day. Let’s come up with some stuff to do beforehand, and then, if we still have energy later, we’ll hit the streets.”
She smiles and shakes her head. “You’re disturbed.”
“Oh yeah? And what does that make you?” I tease. “You’ve got my DNA.”
She rolls her eyes, and Hayden laughs raucously. Sarah shoves her brother’s shoulder, and I head for the stairs, yelling back over my shoulder. “Get the groceries put away! I’ll be back in ten minutes, fifteen, tops!”
I move quickly up the stairs and down the long hall to my room, step inside, and shut the door. I don’t have long—I don’t want to be long—but my mind has been running since the moment Bethanny went inside it, and I need to talk to someone who has a voice of reason.
He can be a bitch, but he’s also the smartest, most rational thinker I know.
“Hey there, stranger! You finally home?” Jake answers after the second ring.
I smile at his warm reception and take a deep breath. “Yep. Just got the kids, and I’m about to jump in the shower for the first time in a week.”
“Fun,” he replies with a laugh.
“Yeah.” I pause because, for as much as Jake and I don’t ever have trouble talking about shit, I’m not exactly sure how to broach the topic.
He must sense I’m searching, though, and takes it upon himself to help me get there. “Something going on?”
I heave a sigh. “Just…wondering if I’ve been really fucking up my whole life,” I say simply.
Jake laughs. “Oh. Is that all?”
I groan. “I don’t know, man. I mean, I love what I do, and I like to think I do it for a reason, but why the fuck have I been okay with spending so much time away from my kids? Why was I so okay with leaving Bethanny to handle everything on her own?”