But I was beginning to fear I was only going to hurt him in the end.
If I truly loved him then I couldn’t be selfish. If I couldn’t commit to him one hundred percent, I needed to let go of him. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it quite yet. I had to be certain and I wasn’t certain yet. I thought time and space would give me the clarity needed to make the decision but if anything, it had only made things worse.
“I will meet you. Did you drive? I’ll meet you at your car?”
Brett nodded his head and then there was this long awkward pause between us. Normally, we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other, but now it felt like there was this enormous distance between us. Distance I had created.
“Okay…” I said and turned around, running to make my next class. I wasn’t running away from Brett, I wasn’t. At least, that’s what I told myself.
* * *
After my final class, I kept my word and headed out to the parking lot to meet Brett. He was already there, leaning against his mom’s Volvo, waiting for me.
“Hey,” I said and paused at the front bumper.
“Hey,” Brett said and pulled open the passenger door. “Hop in, I’ll give you a ride home.”
I bit my lip and nodded my head. I wasn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of being trapped in a small space with him, it would make it all that much harder to resist breaking the barrier between us, but I couldn’t see any other way around it. Like a true gentleman he held the door open for me until I climbed in and he didn’t take off until I was buckled into my seat.
Brett was coldly silent as he pulled out of the parking lot and took off down the street. He stared hard at the road in front of him as I struggled to find the words. It wasn’t until he pulled into my driveway and turned to face me that I had to tell him. I just had to make sure he knew it.
“I love you,” I said and watched a kaleidoscope of emotions play out on his face. Then I knew I was breaking my own heart when I said. “But I can’t do this anymore.”
“What’s changed? How can you love me and not want to be with me?”
“I want to be with you Brett, I do. You’re the smartest, hottest, most awesome guy I’ve ever met. But I think we’re just too young and we’re getting in over our heads.”
“That’s fucking bullshit,” he snarled and glared at me accusingly. “Why are you just telling me this now?”
It was hard meeting his glare so I dropped my eyes to my lap. “We got lucky that I wasn’t pregnant. I mean, birth control isn’t one hundred percent effective. Even with protection we’re taking a risk every time. And I don’t want to be pregnant. I’m not ready for children.”
“Then we fucking double-up on protection or I pull out. Or we just stop having sex. We don’t have to break up.”
I shook my head sadly and still couldn’t look at him. “I’m leaving in a couple of months, anyway.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going out to California.”
Brett released a long string of expletives and thumped his hands hard against the steering wheel.
Brett
I heard the words coming from her mouth and I understood their meaning, but I had no clue why the fuck she was saying those things.
“I’m going out to California.”
What the exact fuck could I say to that? I was here and she was leaving me.
“Why? I checked out the theatre department here in UNLV. It’s got a pretty good reputation. I know you want to go out there and try your luck, but that’s not a guaranteed thing…”
I knew I was being unreasonable. But fuck.
“When the fuck did you decide you were leaving? Before we took each other's virginities? Before I said I love you? When you thought you were pregnant? Did I ever even have a chance of keeping you?”
By the end my voice was nearly yelling. I could see Mandy there hunched in the corner of my car and it hurt me. I was yelling at the one person I loved more than I could ever imagine.
“I know it’s hard to understand, Brett, but I can’t stay here. I can’t let us turn into my parents. I have a chance to go to California to try to become an actress. I know it sounds silly, but this is my chance. Can’t you understand that?”