What if I became resentful like my mother? Like it was in my genes? Just thinking it made me sick to my stomach.
“Do you want me to swing by and pick you up?” Brett asked.
I stopped my dancing. I don’t know why but I really, really didn’t want to see Brett. “Don’t you have training or something?”
“You could come with me.”
“I’m not really in the mood to workout what with the cramps and all.”
“Oh, yeah I guess you wouldn’t be….” His voice trailed off, and I bit my lip, feeling guilty over his disappointment.
“I think I’m just going to curl up in bed with some chocolate and watch a movie.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
“Bye…”
“Bye,” Brett said.
When the phone clicked, I realized that for the first time in a couple of months I’d hung up the phone before telling him I loved him.
Brett
I was supposed to feel happiness with her words, not pregnant, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel happiness, it was a relief to be sure, but I was not happy.
Our lives would have been changed for sure, and it would have been a very long road for us, full of challenges and growing pains, but I thought if we made it through, nothing would be able to break us apart. Now? I had no clue what the fuck was going on.
Pulling up in front of the gym, I shook myself out of my funk. I needed to put in a hundred percent that day. I had been slacking, and I knew it. It wasn’t showing yet, but it would.
It would truly show at the dojo, there it was all or nothing.
If you didn’t put in the time, you didn’t get the rewards. And by time I’m not speaking of merely being there. I am talking about learning and pushing your knowledge and body to the limits or you just won’t make the cut. The head trainer there had already told me I had the talent to take it to the next level. But he wanted me to make the decision, and I wanted to. Mandy was already leaving me, I could feel it. This could be the thing that held me together.
Fuck, I wanted her to be pregnant, I had to be fully honest with myself. I had no doubt Mandy was absolutely relieved. But me? Not so much. I wanted the fucking kid.
I didn’t even say I love you to her. She didn’t either. I guess the writing was on the wall, we just needed to read it. But what I didn’t get was what the fuck was pulling her away from me? What was wrong with me that she wanted to get away from?
I thought about it and I knew it was happening before the pregnancy scare. I tried to pinpoint things, but all I kept coming up with was our future talks, and what we both wanted. She simply would never pin down what she wanted for us. Had she ever really been invested?
I go about my routine, but even with my self-admonishments, I was only putting in what I had to. Fuck. I walked back into the locker room, and just sat there, staring at my phone. She hadn’t texted me saying: I love you. She used to randomly do that. She hadn’t done it for a week or so. She only texted that she was busy with this or that. Fuck. My stomach was aching and I felt sick. I kept feeling like my stomach was dropping out and I wanted to go throw my guts up. I guessed it was teenage heartache.
I grabbed my bag and headed out of the gym, only halfway through my routine. I just couldn’t focus on it right then.
Driving home, I felt like a failure and I wondered if maybe it was my fault she didn’t want to love me anymore. Maybe it was.
Mom and Dad acknowledged my requests to be left alone, even though I wished they wouldn’t have.
Curling up on my bed, I tried to sleep through all of it, but I didn’t know if I’d ever go to sleep feeling normal again.
Chapter Sixteen
Mandy
I was avoiding Brett and going out of my way to keep from running into him. During school hours I completely changed my routine and avoided the hallways I knew he’d have to use to get to and from class. After dating for months, I knew his schedule like the back of my hand.