"That's great, Cheyenne, except when the keeping-up-tradition could get us all expelled," I said finally; A few of the girls exchanged looks, as if this hadn't occurred to them before. I looked down my nose at Cheyenne, straightening to full height. All the better to remind her of how scary I could be. "Let's look at it this way, Reed," Cheyenne said, placing her palms together. She looked at me with pity, like she was talking to an addled old woman. "How would you feel if you'd had to miss out on the experience of your Billings initiation just because some new headmaster randomly decided to crack down?" She had me there. As odd and frightening and unexpected as my initiation had been at first, it had also been fairly cool. It had been the first time at Easton that I had actually felt as if I belonged somewhere. As if I was wanted. But then there was that small question of the vote. Of the fact that some of the girls were not technically wanted at all.
"Let me ask you this," I said. "Who, exactly, are we initiating?" "All of them!" Rose announced happily. "Really?" I was stunned. "We all talked it over before you got here and we decided you were right," Cheyenne said, just about containing the sour look in her eyes. "We can't fight the headmaster on this. And it's not like they're lepers or something. They're all. .. adequate." "And we can work on the ones who aren't," London added. Translation? I'd won. Cheyenne had seen it in my eyes the night before that I meant business. I had actually intimidated someone into submission. My heart welled with pride. It was all I could do to keep from happy- dancing around her like she were a sombrero. Maybe she had taken Josh, but I had taken her pride. It was a small victory.
"And we can't spend the entire year working against these girls. We do have other things to focus on. Applications, senior events ..." She glanced at me in an almost teasing way, and I felt my face turn red. Josh. She was thinking about Josh. Mocking me about him. Take the high road, Reed. Don't tear her hair out just yet. She's conceding the war to you right now. She's just trying to save face. "Fine. I'm glad you finally came around," I told her. "But we cannot let the headmaster find out about this." "Well, obvi," Portia said, rolling her big brown eyes. I would love to see Portia in a job interview. Seriously. Not that she would ever have to go through one. "Now, let's get to work," Cheyenne said. "We have a big event to plan and not much time." As much as I still wanted to throttle Cheyenne, I couldn't help smiling as I joined the rest of the Billings Girls. I had won. Billings would be a better place because of me. I had beaten Cheyenne. How I wished Noelle could see me now.
* * *
Tiffany struggled to catch up with me as we walked to class after lunch. I had been hyper-aware of Josh staring at me from across the cafeteria, and I needed to get away as fast as I could. No way I wanted another dramatic encounter. I just wanted it to be done. Done and over and forgotten. "Reed! Reed, wait up!"
It was him. My steps hurried forward. "Reed, you need to take this up as an Olympic sport," Tiffany told me, breathless at my side. "Reed! Please don't do this!" "I'm sorry, Tiffany. I gotta go." I started running. I knew I looked insane, with my hair whipping around and my heavy bag banging against my side, but I didn't care. I was halfway up the steps to the class building when he caught up to me. Grabbed my sleeve. A couple of sophomores on their way inside looked at me, alarmed, and I averted my gaze. "What do you want, Josh?" I made the mistake of looking at him. God, he was gorgeous. Even more so when I couldn't have him. Couldn't touch him. Couldn't kiss him. He was supposed to be dead to me. How could he be so beautiful? "We have to talk about this," he said, heaving for air. His eyes were desperate. Pleading. "This can't just be over. It can't."
My heart was choking me. I had to get out of there. "But it is. It is over. You have to leave me alone." I had never seen anyone look so crushed. Maybe it was all true. Maybe he had been drugged. Maybe it wasn't his fault. . .. No. No. I was not going there. I was not going to be the idiot. He'd broken my heart. No one got a second chance to do that. Not again. "I have to go." "Reed--" Tiffany caught up with us then, thank God. She put her arm through mine and stared him down. "We're leaving." That was all I needed. I turned and shoved through the doors. I had only taken two shaky steps inside when a voice stopped me. "Breaking hearts again, Brennan?" It was Ivy Slade. Standing behind us near the door, slim arms crossed over her slim chest. Amused. Challenging.
"Who the hell do you think you are? You don't even know me!" I blurted, getting right in her face. I was already so pent up from the encounter with Josh, I was practically grateful to her for giving me a reason to explode. But she didn't even flinch. "Oh, I know you. I know you better than you can possibly imagine." It took a good five seconds for any of this to process. By the time it did, Tiffany was trying to tug me away. "Don't listen to her, Reed. It's pointless." But I couldn't walk away now. "What do you mean? " I asked her. "Who told you about me ? Taylor? Are you still in touch with Taylor Bell? " Her thin lips twisted into a smirk. "You are, aren't you? Where is she? What the hell happened to her?" I asked, feeling wild and out of control in the face of her complete calm. "What did she tell you about me?" "Classic Reed," she said. "Always so full of questions."
I saw red. I couldn't believe this girl was standing there talking down to me like this. Talking as if she knew anything about me. "Who the hell are you?" I demanded. She simply smiled and stepped around us, walking slowly and unaffectedly down the hall. Turning her back on me like I was so unworthy of her time. "Bitch," Tiffany said under her breath. I was shaking from head to toe. "What just happened?" I asked her. "What is that girl's deal?" "Reed, breathe," Tiffany told me.
I did. I sucked in air. Didn't realize until that moment that I hadn't done that for a while. "Good. Now listen to me," Tiffany said, her brown eyes serious. "Do not spend one extra second thinking about Ivy Slade. She's just messing with you." "But why?" I asked. "Because it's what she does," Tiffany said, looking down the hall after the girl. "It's pretty much
what she lives for." Ivy paused at the door of a classroom, flipped her long black hair back, and smiled knowingly. A chill enveloped my insides, and fear gripped my heart. I practically fell onto the bench near the wall. "Reed? Are you okay?" Tiffany asked. "I'm-fine. I'm-fine. It's just been an emotional couple of minutes," I told her. "Should I get the nurse? Do you need water?" she asked.
I must have looked really bad to merit that reaction. I tipped forward and put my head between my knees. I was fine. Or I would be. I just had to let this feeling pass. This eerily familiar feeling. This feeling I hadn't felt since the last time I'd looked into Ariana Osgood's eyes.
JUST A DORM
"What's the matter?" I asked Sabine as she caught up to me on the steps of the library later that day. The sun was just dipping below the horizon, and the tiny lights that lined the stone pathways flickered on, casting a warm, welcoming glow. It was a beautiful late-summer evening. I, however, couldn't wait to get inside. All day, whenever I was out in the open. I felt like a gazelle in the middle of lion country, always afraid that Josh was about to come around the corner or that Ivy would find me again and systematically pick apart my brain. Sabine, however, looked even more stressed than I felt. "Is it Cheyenne? What did she do now?"
"No. I just found out I have to pick a sport." She pulled a face, like the idea of physical exertion was disgusting to her. "You don't play anything?" I asked, opening the door for her. "Not really," she said. "Tennis, a bit, but that's in the spring. I have to do something now." "Why don't you join the soccer team?" I suggested. She guffawed. "Oh, because I know nothing about soccer and have a fear of large girls with a lust for blood?" I laughed. "Nice picture. But it doesn't matter. Astrid's on the team and she's not much of an athlete. There are always a few who just ride the bench. You could be one of those people." "Maybe ..." Her face brightened slightly. "Okay. I will think about it. Thanks, Reed." I smiled as we found ourselves a table, the whole Josh thing momentarily reduced to a minor ache. I was so glad Sabine had decided to come to Easton of all the schools in New England. "Omigod, you guys!" Constance came tearing around the stacks, all wild-haired and bright-eyed, like something cute and hyper out of a Disney cartoon.
"Look what I got!" she exclaimed. She sat down next to me and slid a small ivory card out of her notebook. Sabine sat back when she saw it, uninterested, but I picked it up. It was of thick stock and had very few words printed on it in a swirling script. "Did your invitation look like that?" Constance asked breathlessly. "Actually my invitation looked like a half-empty dorm room, remember?" I said. "Oh, yeah. Right. But this is it, right? Initiation?" she whispered, looking around. "Are we going to get our diamond B's there? " I smiled, so glad that all the uncertainty and anguish were about to end for her. "I guess you'll have to show up and find out," I said with a conspiratorial smile. Constance giggled uncontrollably and slipped the invite away. Across the table, Sabine sighed.
"What's the matter?" I asked, a sudden suspicion occurring to me. "You did get one, didn't you?" "Yes. But I just don't understand," she said petulantly. "I didn't ask to be in some sorority. It's just a dorm. A place to live. A place they put me. And now I have to go through all these tests and rituals, just to be accepted in the house I was sent to. It doesn't seem fair." Constance and I exchanged a look. "You don't want to be in Billings?" Constance demanded, dumbfounded. Sabine lifted a shoulder, and I felt this weird twinge. This irritation at being rejected. How could anyone not want to be in Billings? But then, Sabine was an outsider. She hadn't had the superiority of Billings House drilled into her from day one like I had. She had never met Noelle, Ariana, Kiran, and Taylor. Never seen how seductive and cool the Billings Girls could truly be. She had just been shown through the door at the feet of substandards like Cheyenne and Portia and had been either tortured or publicly humiliated every day since. Why should she lookup to them--to us? To her we were just a bunch of random girls forcing her to do random crap for our approval.
"Sabine, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to," I told her, feeling almost sacrilegious, but forging ahead. "I'm sure you can get a transfer. There are other rooms on campus." Even though I'd hate, hate, hate to see Cheyenne win. "Yes, but then ..." She looked away and toyed with her pen, as if embarrassed by what she was about to say.
"But then what?" Constance prompted. "But then I would not be rooming with you," she said, looking at me. Now I felt a real pang. "Aw!" Constance trilled, giving us both a little pouty look. "I was the same way last year when she left me. She's, like, the best roommate." I laughed and shook my head. They were ridiculous, but I was pleased nonetheless. "Don't worry, Sabine. It'll get better. After tonight, it'll get a lot better. I promise." Sabine nodded, seeming comforted. I only hoped that my promise didn't turn out to be a false one.
NEW RITUAL
I stood between Vienna and Rose that night, dressed in my basic black skirt and a black ballet-neck T-shirt, my hair pulled back from my face. Rose wore a simple black dress, but Vienna was, as ever, busting out the top of a strapless black frock that could have been a pillowcase in a former life. Around us, the rest of the Billings Girls were gathered into a semicircle, our black taper candles flickering in front of us. All except Cheyenne, who had taken Noelle's position before us. Her face seemed to be set in a permanent smirk.
We heard footsteps creaking at the top of the stairs. My pulse started to race. "Here we go," Rose said under her breath. "Shhh!" Cheyenne admonished. Rose rolled her eyes. Finally, London appeared on the steps, wearing a slightly more modest dress than her Twin City counterpart. Ever-so-slowly, she led the six new Billings Girls down the stairs and into the foyer. They were blindfolded and holding hands in a line. All in white, they looked like a string of freshly cut paper dolls. When London stopped, they all bumped into one another one by one, and even I had a hard time keeping myself from laughing. London slipped over to stand next to Vienna. Constance's head twitched around nervously, and I was so elated for her. In a few minutes all her uncertainty would be over. I couldn't wait. "Ladies. Remove your blindfolds," Cheyenne ordered, lowering her voice to what was supposed to be an imperious tone. She sounded more shrill than intimidating.
The girls tore off their white blindfolds. They looked around, confused and blinking. Constance's eyes fell on the jewelry boxes that sat on the mantel and I saw her bite down on her lip to keep from smiling. "Welcome, everyone, to this, the eighty-fifth initiation ceremony of Billings House," Cheyenne said. "You will each step forward when I call your name." My candle warmed my face as someone down the line cursed under her breath, burned by hot wax. It was amazing, seeing the ritual from this side. It had seemed so eerie and important last year. The girls all so ethereal and untouchable. Now I knew they were just a bunch of girls who were stressing about their homework, picking their wedgies, and looking forward to the champagne stashed in the next room. "Step forward, Astrid Chou," Cheyenne said. Astrid stepped up. Cheyenne handed her an unlit candle, which Astrid tipped toward Cheyenne's to accept the flame.
"Ladies of Billings House, do we receive Astrid Chou into our circle?" Cheyenne asked. "Welcome, Astrid! To our circle!" we chorused. We had gone over it just before the ceremony, but somehow, it still sounded different to me. Different from my initiation. But then, a lot of this was different. I had been all alone. I hadn't been blindfolded and dressed in white. I had been a last-minute substitution. And to be honest, the details of that intense day were still very murky. Astrid smiled as Portia retrieved a jewelry box from the pile and opened it to reveal the diamond B inside. Astrid grinned and took the box in her free hand. Cheyenne touched her shoulder, steering her toward the end of the semicircle. She was now on our side of the room. One of us.
"Step forward, Melissa Thurber," Cheyenne said. Missy's nose was so high in the air, she could probably smell tomorrow morning's breakfast. We went through the ritual again. "Ladies of Billings House, do we receive Melissa Thurber into our circle?" "Welcome, Melissa! To our circle." I may not have said it so loud
ly that time. Missy received her necklace and stood next to Astrid. We initiated Kiki, who was wearing her Easton tennis uniform--probably the only piece of white clothing she owned--and then it was Sabine's turn.
"Step forward, Sabine DuLac," Cheyenne said. The flame of her candle flickered. Between the dancing shadows I could have sworn I saw a mischievous gleam in her eye. My heart skipped a beat, but I told myself I was seeing things. I had to be seeing things. "Ladies of Billings House, do we receive Sabine DuLac into our circle?" Cheyenne asked, looking over at us. "Welcome, Sabine! To our circle!" All the oxygen was sucked out of the room. Rose, Tiffany, London, and I were the only ones who had spoken. The lobby was so deathly silent, I could hear the candle flames hissing. Sabine's skin had turned waxy in the dim light. "London!" Vienna said through her teeth. "Sorry! I forgot," London whispered back.
I opened my mouth to speak, but Portia's sudden movement startled me. She grabbed a box from the mantel, opened it, and handed it to Sabine. Sabine's hand trembled as she reached for it. There was nothing inside. "Step forward, Constance Talbot!" Cheyenne said, hurrying things along. "Wait," I heard myself say. This was wrong. This was all wrong. Constance looked petrified as she stood next to Sabine. Petrified but still somehow hopeful. I thought Cheyenne had caved. I thought my threat had worked. But this-- "Ladies of Billings House, do we receive Constance Talbot into our circle?" Cheyenne asked. Dead. Silence.
"Welcome, Constance! To our circle!" I said loudly. Constance received her empty box. "Step forward, Lorna Gross." Lorna didn't move. Her head was tipped forward. She was already sobbing. That was it. Never in my life had I seen anything quite this cruel. And I couldn't help feeling that this was my fault. That I had been so naive as to believe that my tactics had worked on Cheyenne. What had I been thinking? She was the only person I had ever seen get one over on Noelle Lange. It had only happened once, but it had happened. How could I have thought myself better than that?
"Stop this!" I shouted. I stepped out of line and faced Cheyenne, shaking with barely restrained rage. "Reed. Get back in line," Cheyenne ordered. "You uncontrollable bitch," I said, my jaw clenched. "You can't do this to them." "Reed! You're disrupting an ages-old ritual!" Cheyenne lifted her hand to her chest, faking shock. "Screw your ritual!" I shouted. I blew out my candle and threw it at her feet, where it broke in two. "This is not how your precious founding sisters would want this place to be!" "Oh, please. Like you know anything about Billings and its history," Cheyenne spat. "My grandmother was in Billings. My mother. All her friends. And if they knew how you and our new headmaster were trying to corrupt it, they'd be appalled."