should have been more careful of Brukeval’s feelings. I’m always so sure that I’m right. Always blaming people for calling the Clan Flatheads and animals. I know they aren’t, but most people don’t know them like I do. It was my fault Brukeval ran away. I don’t blame him for hating me.
Ayla got up; she didn’t want to sit inside anymore. It was dim and gloomy in the windowless dwelling, and the lamp was guttering out, adding to the darkness. She wanted to get out, do something besides think about her shortcomings. As she stepped out of the dwelling and looked around, she was surprised to see Madroman approaching in a big hurry. When he saw her, he gave her such a malicious glare, she felt the tingle of icy needles prickling up her spine, raising the hairs on the back of her neck, and a cold shudder of ominous apprehension.
Ayla watched him as he hurried on. Something’s different about him, she said to herself. Then she noticed he was not wearing his acolyte clothing, but the clothes he had on were strangely familiar. She wrinkled her brow in concentration, then it came to her. Those are Ninth Cave patterns! But he’s Fifth Cave; why is he wearing Ninth Cave clothes? And where is he going in such a hurry?
That look he gave me. Ayla shivered again at the thought. So full of hatred. Why should he hate me so much? And why wasn’t he wearing his acoly … Oh … Suddenly it occurred to her. Zelandoni must have told him he can’t be an acolyte anymore. Is he blaming me? But he’s the one who lied; why should he blame me? It couldn’t be because of Jondalar. He beat Madroman once—knocked his teeth out—but that was over Zelandoni, not me. Could he hate me because I found his leather sack in the cave? Maybe he hates me because he will never be a Zelandoni, and I just became one.
That’s two of them who hate me, Madroman and Brukeval, Ayla thought. Three if I count Laramar; he must hate me, too. When he finally woke up, he said he didn’t want to go back to the Ninth Cave when he felt good enough to leave the zelandonia lodge, and they decided that he could. I’m glad the Fifth Cave said they would be willing to take him. I couldn’t blame him if he never wanted to see me again. I deserve his hatred. It is my fault that Jondalar beat him so badly. Jondalar probably hates me now, too. Ayla was feeling so despondent, she was beginning to think that everyone hated her.
Ayla started walking faster, unmindful of where she was going. She looked up when she heard a soft whicker, and found she was at the horse enclosure. She had been so busy the last few days, she had hardly seen the horses, and when she heard the welcoming whinny of her dun-yellow mare, tears brought a familiar ache behind her eyes. She climbed over the fencing, and hugged the sturdy neck of her old friend.
“Oh, Whinney! I’m so happy to see you,” she said, talking in the strange language she always used with the mare, the one she had made up so long ago in the valley, before Jondalar came and taught her his language. “At least you still care about me,” she said, as the tears overflowed. “You should probably hate me, too, I’ve been ignoring you so much. But I’m so glad you don’t. You were always my friend, Whinney.” She said the name the way she had learned from the mare, a remarkably close reproduction of the sound of a horse whinny. “When I didn’t have anyone else, you were there. Maybe I should just go away with you. We could find a valley and live together, like we used to.”
As she was sobbing into the thickening fur of the yellow horse, the young gray mare and the brown stallion joined them. Gray tried to get her nose under Ayla’s hand while Racer bumped her back with his head to let her know he was there. Then he leaned against her, the way he had done so often before, keeping her between himself and his dam. Ayla hugged and stroked and scratched them all, then found a dried teasel to use as a currying brush and started to clean Whinney’s coat.
It had always been a relaxing activity for her, to clean and care for the horses, and by the time she finished with Whinney and started on the impatient Racer, who had been nudging her for his share of her attention, her tears had dried and she was feeling better. She was working on Gray when Joharran and Echozar came looking for her.
“Everyone was wondering where you were, Ayla,” Echozar said, smiling to see her standing in the middle of the three horses. It still amazed him to see her with the animals.
“I haven’t spent much time with the horses lately, and their coats needed a good cleaning. They are already thickening up for winter,” Ayla said.
“Proleva’s been trying to keep the food warm for you, but she says it’s drying out,” Joharran said. “I think you should come and get something to eat.”
“I’m almost through here. I’ve already brushed Whinney and Racer. I just have to finish up Gray. Then I probably should wash my hands,” Ayla said, holding up her hand to show him her black palms, grimy with oily horse sweat and dirt.
“We’ll wait,” Joharran said. He had been given strict instructions not to return without her.
By the time Ayla arrived, people were finishing with the meal and starting to leave the Lanzadonii camp for various afternoon activities. Ayla had been disappointed that Jondalar was not at the big feast, but no one could get him out of the fa’lodge, short of picking him up and bodily carrying him. Once she was there Ayla was glad she went. After she picked up the plate piled high with food that had been saved for her, she had been pleased to have a little more time to talk to Danug and Druwez, and to get to know Aldanor a little better, although it appeared that she would have plenty of time for that.
Folara and Aldanor were going to be mated at the Late Matrimonial, just before the Summer Meeting ended, and he was going to become Zelandonii and a member of the Ninth Cave, much to Marthona’s delight. Danug and Druwez promised to stop at his Camp on their way back home and tell his people, but that wouldn’t be until next summer. They were wintering with the Zelandonii, and Willamar had promised to take them and a few others to see the Great Waters of the West, soon after they returned to the Ninth Cave.
“Ayla, will you walk with me back to the zelandonia lodge?” the First asked. “There are some things I’d like to talk over with you.”
“Yes, of course, Zelandoni,” Ayla said. “Let me talk to Jonayla first.”
She found her daughter with Marthona, and inevitably with Wolf. “Do you know ’Thona is my grandmother? Not just my grandam?” Jonayla said when Ayla approached.
“Yes, I do,” Ayla said. “Are you pleased to know that?” She reached to stroke the animal who was so excited to see her. Wolf had hardly left Jonayla for a moment since they arrived at the Campsite, as though trying to make up for their long separation earlier, but he seemed overjoyed to see Ayla whenever she was near, anxiously seeking her affection and approval. He seemed most relaxed when they were both together with him, which usually was only at night.
“Although I’ve always felt that I was, it’s nice to be acknowledged as the grandmother of the children of my sons,” Marthona said. “And though I’ve long thought of you as my daughter, Ayla, it pleases me to know that Folara has finally found an acceptable man to mate, and may yet give me a grandchild before I walk the next world.”
She took Ayla’s hand and looked at her. “I want to thank you again for telling these men to come and get me.” Smiling at Hartaman and some of the others who had carried her on a litter to the Summer Meeting, and were often around the Campsite since she arrived, she continued, “I’m sure they were concerned about my health and meant well, but it takes a woman to understand that a mother needs to be with her daughter when she’s contemplating her Matrimonial.”
“Everyone was pleased to think you might feel well enough to come. You were greatly missed, Marthona,” Ayla said.
Marthona avoided the subject of Jondalar’s conspicuous absence, and the probable reason for it, although it distressed her greatly to think that her son had once again lost control of himself, and caused great harm to another person. She was also very concerned about Ayla. She had gotten to know the young woman quite well, and knew how troubled she was, though she handled herself remarkably well in spite of her anguish.
/> “Zelandoni asked me to walk with her to the zelandonia lodge,” Ayla said. “She said she wanted to talk about some things. Will you take Jonayla back with you, Marthona?”
“I’ll be happy to. I’ve missed this little one, although Wolf is probably a better guardian than I am.”
“Are you coming back to sleep with me tonight, mother?” Jonayla said, with a worried look.
“Of course. I’m just going to talk to Zelandoni for a little while,” Ayla said.
“Is Jondy going to sleep with us tonight?”
“I don’t know, Jonayla. He’s probably busy.”