“Getting my things together so I can move out.”
“Why do you want to move out?”
“I don’t want to, but if you don’t want me here …”
“After tonight, how can you say I don’t want you? What does that have to do with mating you?”
He came back, sat down on the edge of the sleeping platform, and looked into her enigmatic eyes. “Why won’t you mate me? Am I not … not man enough for you?”
“Not man enough …” Her voice caught in her throat. She closed her eyes, blinked a few times, and took a deep breath. “Oh, Mother, Jondalar! Not man enough! If you aren’t, no man on earth is man enough. That’s just the problem. You’re too much man, too much everything. I couldn’t live with that.”
“I don’t understand. I want to mate you, and you say I’m too good for you?”
“You really don’t understand, do you? Jondalar, you’ve given me more … more than any man. If I were to mate you, I’d have so much, I’d have more than any other woman I know. They’d be envious. They would wish their men would be as generous, as caring, as good as you. They already know a touch from you can make a woman feel more alive, more … Jondalar, you are every woman’s desire.”
“If I’m … all you say, why won’t you mate me?”
“Because you don’t love me.”
“Serenio … I do …”
“Yes, in your way, you love me. You care about me. You would never do anything to hurt me, and you would be so wonderful, so good to me. But I’d always know. Even if I convinced myself otherwise, I’d know. And I’d wonder what was wrong with me, what I lacked, why you couldn’t love me.”
Jondalar looked down. “Serenio, people mate who don’t love each other like that.” He looked at her earnestly. “If they have other things, if they care about each other, they can have a good life together.”
“Yes, some people do. I may mate again someday, and if we have other things, it may not be necessary to love each other. But not you, Jondalar.”
“Why not me?” he asked, and the pain in his eyes was almost enough to make her reconsider.
“Because I would love you. I couldn’t help it. I would love you and die a little every day knowing you didn’t love me the same way. No woman can keep from loving you, Jondalar. And every time we would make love, like we did tonight, I would wither inside more. Wanting you so much, loving you so much, and knowing that as much as you might want to, you didn’t love me back. After a while, I’d dry up, be an empty shell, and find ways to make your life as miserable as mine. You’d go on being your wonderful, caring, generous self, because you’d know why I had become like that. But you’d hate yourself for it. And everyone would wonder how you could stand such a carping, bitter old woman. I won’t do that to you, Jondalar. And I won’t do it to me.”
He got up and paced to the entrance, then turned around and came back. “Serenio, why can’t I love? Other men fall in love—what’s wrong with me?” He looked at her with such anguish, she ached for him, loved him even more, and wished there were some way she could make him love her.
“I don’t know, Jondalar. Maybe you haven’t found the right woman. Maybe the Mother has someone special for you. She doesn’t make many like you. You are really more than most women could bear. If all your love were concentrated on one, it could overwhelm her, if she wasn’t one to whom the Mother gave equal gifts. Even if you did love me, I’m not sure I could live with it. If you loved a woman as much as you love your brother, she would have to be very strong.”
“I can’t fall in love, but if I could, no woman could bear it,” he said with a laugh of dry irony and bitterness. “Be wary of gifts from the Mother.” His eyes, deep violet in the red glow of the fire, filled with apprehension. “What did you mean, ‘if I loved a woman as much as I love my brother’? If no woman is strong enough to ‘bear’ my love, are you thinking I need a … man?”
Serenio smiled, then chuckled. “I don’t mean you love your brother like a woman. You are not like Shamud, with the body of one and the inclinations of the other. You would have known it by now and sought your calling and, like the Shamud, you would have found a love there. No,” she said, and felt a flush of warmth thinking about it, “you like a woman’s body too well. But you love your brother more than you have ever loved any woman. That’s why I wanted you so much tonight. You’ll be leaving when he goes, and I won’t see you again.”
As soon as she said it, he knew she was right. No matter what he thought he had decided, when the time came, he would have left with Thonolan.
“How did you know, Serenio? I didn’t. I came here thinking I was going to mate you, and settle down with the Sharamudoi if I couldn’t take you back with me.”
“I think everyone knows you will follow him, wherever he goes. Shamud says it is your destiny.”
Jondalar’s curiosity about Shamud had never been satisfied. On impulse, he asked, “Tell me, is Shamud a man or a woman?”
She looked at him a long time. “Do you really want to know?”
He reconsidered. “No, I don’t suppose it matters. Shamud didn’t want to tell me—maybe the mystery is important to … Shamud.”
In the silence that followed, Jondalar stared at Serenio, wanting to remember her as she was then. Her hair was still damp, and in disarray, but she had warmed and pushed most of the furs away. “What about you, Serenio? What will you do?”
“I love you, Jondalar.” It was a simple declarative statement. “It won’t be easy to get over you, but you gave me something. I was afraid to love. I lost so many loves that I pushed all feelings of love away. I knew I would lose you, Jondalar, but I loved you anyway. Now I know I can love again, and if I lose it, it doesn’t take away the love that was. You gave that to me. And maybe something more.” The mystery of a woman came into her smile. “Soon, perhaps, someone will come into my life that I can love. It’s a little early to tell for sure, but I think the Mother has blessed me. I didn’t think it was possible after the last one I lost—I’ve been many years without Her blessing. It may be a child of your spirit. I’ll know if the baby has your eyes.”
The familiar furrows appeared on his forehead. “Serenio, I must stay then. You have no man at your hearth to provide for you and the child,” he said.
“Jondalar, you don’t have to worry. No
mother or her children ever lack for care. Mudo has said all those She blesses must be succored. That’s why She made men, to bring to mothers the gifts of the Great Earth Mother. The Cave will provide, as She provides for all Her children. You must follow your destiny, and I will follow mine. I won’t forget you, and if I have a child of your spirit, I will think of you, just as I remember the man I loved when Darvo was born.”
Serenio had changed, but she still made no demands, placed no burden of obligation on him. He put his arms around her. She looked into his compelling blue eyes. Her eyes hid nothing, not the love she felt, or her sadness in losing him, and not her joy in the treasure she hoped she carried. Through a crack, they could see the faint light that heralded a new day. He got up.
“Where are you going, Jondalar?”
“Just outside. I’ve had too much tea.” He smiled, and it reached his eyes. “But keep the bed warm. The night isn’t over yet.” He bent over and kissed her. “Serenio”—his voice was husky with feeling—“you mean more to me than any woman I have ever known.”
It wasn’t quite enough. He would leave, though she knew if she asked he would stay. But she did not ask, and in return he gave her the most he could. And that was more than most women would ever get,
18
“Mother said you wanted to see me.”
Jondalar could see tension in the set of Darvo’s shoulders and the wary look in his eyes. He knew the boy had been avoiding him, and he suspected the reason. The tall man smiled, trying to seem casual and relaxed, but the hesitancy in his usual warm fondness made Darvo more nervous; he didn’t want his fears confirmed. Jondalar had not been looking forward to telling the boy, either. He took down a neatly folded garment from a shelf and shook it out,
“I think you are almost big enough for this, Darvo, I want to give it to you.”
For a moment the boy’s eyes lit with pleasure at the Zelandonii shirt with its intricate and exotic decoration; then the wariness returned. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” he accused.