“I don’t like turkey sandwiches.” He didn’t say he wasn’t hungry or that he was ready to talk, but he didn’t say no either.
Taking it as a yes, Calder stood.
“Who’s coming today?”
“It’s Saturday, so Train and Killyama should be here in a few,” Calder replied.
Gavin’s face brightened when he heard Killyama’s name. “Do you mind if we wait for the walk until they get here?”
“No.”
Calder went to the front desk, searching for Gavin’s nurse. After he found her and asked for another lunch tray, he took his time returning to Gavin’s room, giving him time to think about what he wanted to share with him.
His hopes weren’t high when he returned. Gavin had turned on the television and was watching it fixedly. Calder didn’t push, watching the movie with him.
When the nurse brought the tray in and set it down next to Gavin, Calder kept watching the movie, noticing him lifting the mug of soup to his mouth. When he picked up the sandwich, he wanted to jump up and down, but he remained seated.
Gavin was eating the second half of the sandwich before he spoke. “They videotaped me having sex with members of the club.”
He threw his sandwich down, running into his bathroom. Calder followed him, wetting a washcloth as Gavin heaved his lunch into the toilet.
When he was finished, Gavin sank down onto the tiled floor, his arm resting on the lid to support himself, as if he wasn’t finished vomiting.
Calder flushed the toilet then lowered himself down to the floor, handing the wet cloth to him.
“The Last Riders aren’t shy about fucking in front of each other. I didn’t think I could be embarrassed or ashamed about anyone watching me, but they took it to levels I never knew existed, and I’ve been in some fucked-up situations when I was in the war.”
“You were in a war.” Calder tapped the side of his forehead. “Your mind and soul were rebelling against them. If that isn’t a war of its own, I don’t know what is. Just because you weren’t on foreign soil doesn’t mean it wasn’t as traumatic.”
Gavin tilted his head to the side. “You think so?”
“Hell yes. I’ve never been in the military, but I’m sure they trained you to survive at all odds.”
“They did.”
“You survived; that’s what counts.”
“Does it? I don’t know anymore if it was worth a fight.”
“Because of Taylor?”
Gavin nodded imperceptibly.
“Was she the only reason you fought so hard to stay alive?”
“I wanted to kill the Road Demons and the three who put me there. The Last Riders took out the Road Demons. Bedford and Memphis are dead. They’re saving Crash for me. I couldn’t kill a fly right now.”
“So, all you thought about was Taylor and killing?”
“No,” he admitted. “I thought about Ton and Viper. I was used to talking to them every day. Not being able to do that was hard.”
“Is that why you won’t take their calls? Because you don’t want to get in that habit again?”
“I’d rather not get used to having them around if I’m going to lose them again.”
“Meaning, if you went to prison?”
“Yes.”
Calder scooted over, leaning his back against the bathroom wall. “We don’t know if you did anything you can be charged with—”
“I did.” Gavin started heaving over the toilet bowl again.
“Okay, let’s assume you did. You think Viper and The Last Riders won’t stand behind you?”
“Yes.”
“Even in prison, you’re allowed to talk to family and correspond with friends. You won’t lose them again, but they’ll lose you again if you don’t start eating. When Viper comes, take a good look at him. He’s suffering without you, and so is Ton. Shit, Ton’s living in a hotel near here and comes by every morning to eat breakfast with you, yet you don’t say a single word to your father. What if something happened to him? Sooner or later, we lose everyone, whether through age, sickness, or accidents.
“You being afraid to resume those relationships is what I went through with Stud. I never felt like I measured up to him, or the brothers he leads. I still don’t. Stud was smart not to take drugs, he beat me at those races we rode together, and he even married the mother of my child when I was too stoned to get my life together. My girlfriend told me she had miscarried. Then, two months later, Stud comes to visit me at the prison and tells me he’s marrying Candi. Six months later, he sends me a picture, telling me they had a baby.”
“Stud didn’t tell you the baby was yours?”
“No.”
“Have you talked to him about the kid since you got out of prison?”
“What am I supposed to say? Star is healthy and happy. She believes Stud is her father, and she loves Sex Piston like she’s her own mother. She is. Candi is in prison and doesn’t get out for another year, unless she makes parole. I don’t want Star to know both of her parents are worthless. Stud gives her the stability I can’t.”