be fine. I loved him.
He lingered over my lips and whispered back as he continued thrusting into me, “I love you too.”
My eyelids flew up. I hadn’t meant to say that, again, but I was caught by his gaze. I saw the love in him as he quickened the tempo. Something settled in my chest. Peace. Contentment. Whatever it was, it felt good. It felt right.
When we were done, I murmured without thinking, “I can’t think about what Ethan did.”
His arms tightened around me, but he only kissed my shoulder.
My chest filled. The pain was right there. I let it go. I had to. “I don’t want to think about him wanting to kill himself. That’s not the brother I knew. The one I knew watched over me. He took care of me. He wouldn’t want to hurt me and dying was the worst way to do that. I can’t think of him like that.”
“He was sick, Alex.”
I heard the thick emotion in his voice. I didn’t look up. I was swallowing my own back.
His voice was rough as he continued, “He went into a dark depression. He wouldn’t get help. I tried to push him, but Ethan refused. He stopped talking to me towards the end.”
My eyes closed. An invisible hand was on my chest, pushing down. My ribcage felt like it was going to break. “That was when he started hanging out with Jeremy Benson and Barbie?”
“Yeah.” His chest rose up and down as he took a deep breath. “Yeah.”
Flashes of him came to me. As he ruffled my hair, the same way the bartender had done to Bri’s hair earlier. As he rolled his eyes at something our mom said or how he smacked a towel against my butt when we were forced to do the dishes together. I gasped. More pain flooded in. I couldn’t hold it back and the tears started. They slid down my face, down to Jesse’s arm that he had wrapped around me. He felt them, but neither of us said a word.
“I miss him.”
“I do too.”
“I can’t think of him sick. I can’t think of him like that. It breaks me, Jesse. I can’t do it. I have to think about him as he was to me. I loved my brother.” I corrected myself, “I love my brother.”
I love you too.
I never heard those words, but I imagined them.
Then I took another deep breath and tried to push some of that pain away. I moved onto the next topic, one that I figured would always leave a hole in me. “My parents are never going to be there for me. I know this now.” My voice grew hoarse and I faltered. My lungs filled with air. My throat burned at the same time. “I don’t know why my dad acts how he does. I have no idea, but I can’t love them. They don’t love me. It’s going to be hard, but I have to somehow move on without them in my life. I just won’t have parents. That’s the best way for me to handle it. They’re never going to get better. They’re never going to want me in their lives and dote on me like loving parents. That’s just not who they are. It might’ve been them before, but not anymore. Ethan’s death changed everything. I think it broke my mom. It almost broke me.”
I heard Tiffany’s words again. ‘The chick is a survivor.’
I’d survive. I had to.
“You have me.”
“I know.”
My heart split again, but not from pain, from overwhelming warmth. I had Jesse. It was the first time I allowed myself to trust in him. He wouldn’t leave me. He hadn’t, even though I always felt like he would go. Angie had been wrong so long ago. I’d been wrong. But there was one thing I’d been afraid to ask. Biting my lip, I asked it now, “Jesse?”
“Hmmm?”
I felt his answer rumble through his chest and my back. It soothed me for some reason. “Why didn’t you tell me about Ethan? I know I said I can’t think of him like that, but why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“I felt guilty.”
“Why?”
“Because I should’ve stopped him.”
“What do you mean?”
“I knew about Claire and the baby. I knew how your parents handled it and that your dad scared Claire away, but I never spoke up. I should’ve helped somehow and then you didn’t know. I couldn’t tell you. I mean, I knew about the baby and Ethan didn’t want you to know, but I should’ve told you.”
“That he killed himself or about his baby?”
“About both. I was scared that you’d blame me and I’d lose you.”
My heart began pounding. I swore he felt it through my back. I couldn’t stop it. “Why would I blame you?”
“Because I’m the reason he got in that car.”
I froze. My heart stopped.
He felt it, tensing as he said further, “Claire went into labor that night. I called him to tell him. He got in the car to go to her.”
“What?” The word ripped from me. “What are you saying?”
“He took drugs that night. He was going to intentionally overdose, but when I called him, he decided to try to get to the hospital. He wanted to see his baby before he died.”
My mouth gaped open. No sound came out. None could come out. Searing pain rippled through me and it paralyzed me. I couldn’t do anything, but lay there in his arms. Then Jesse finished, his voice thick with guilt, “I didn’t know he had taken drugs. I thought maybe he had, but I had no idea he was going to kill himself that night. I should’ve called the cops on him. I should’ve done something, but I didn’t. I went to the hospital to meet him. I thought he was in the room when she gave birth, but he wasn’t. I didn’t realize it until later that he’d been in the ER the whole time. He had already crashed by the time I left Sarah’s and got to the hospital. He died from the car accident before they realized his body had already shut down from drugs too. I didn’t know. I’m sorry, Alex.”
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t do anything, but imagine that night again. And I cried. I didn’t stop the entire night.
It was another month before I finally called Ethan’s lawyers. They wanted verification of my name. I sent them a copy of my passport. It was another month after that when they told me they wouldn’t be able to give me Ethan’s inheritance. The spelling wasn’t correct. I didn’t understand it, not at first. His will and testament said all of his monetary assets would go to Alexandra Claira Connors.
I never blamed Jesse for any of my family problems. It took me a while to fully understand that Ethan had been sick. He wanted to die. I remembered the day of his graduation when he hugged me. It had been long and he wouldn’t let go of me. He’d been saying goodbye in his way. I never remembered it until recently. It woke me during the night, but Jesse was with me. He held me the rest of the night. We had a lot of those nights. I’d remember new information about that last year with Ethan. It would send me spinning. I’d cry. I’d tell Jesse about it and he’d tell me how much my brother loved me. It helped me accept that my brother was gone in a new way. It was different ever since I learned the truth about him. I would never accept that he killed himself. That wasn’t right, but I accepted that he was gone. It probably didn’t make sense to anyone else so I never tried to explain it. It was how I coped with it.
After another week trying to stay at the dorms, I eventually moved back in with Jesse. And because I was on better terms with Tiffany, I started going to the games with her and Kara. Chandra joined us as well, but she never took up with Cord again. He always had a new girl every few weeks. One night, when he was drunk, he confided to me that there was a girl from our school that he always loved. She never reciprocated his feelings, or at least that’s what he told me. I wondered if he knew for certain that she didn’t. He refused to tell me who it was, but she was the reason he never settled down.
I only knew it wasn’t Marissa.