So I spoke.
And then I realized my mistake.
I had let him win.
After fighting so long to not feel, I had let myself feel.
Feeling made everything hurt. It hurt so much.
I wish I was back there. With the Devil.
Because then, I was numb. That was much better. Nothing hurt. The memories weren’t painful because I didn’t have any memories.
I wanted it to stay that way.
I didn’t want to hurt. Not anymore.
I turned away from Alessio. He only held me, his arm around my hips, his palm over my stomach.
He rubbed my belly gently. “Settle down now, little fighter.”
Protect my baby. No matter what. I have to protect my baby.
I heard the words in my head. Closing my eyes, I breathed.
The voice in my head belonged to me. I didn’t understand what the words meant; all I knew was that I had to protect someone.
Even when I was with the Devil, I protected the baby. Even when I didn’t understand myself, I never let him touch my stomach. My actions were done unconsciously. Like it was drilled in my head.
“Sleep, Angel. I will watch over you.”
Sleep, Angel. I will watch over you.
I hated him. I hated his voice. I hated the memories he brought.
But I also hated that I wanted those memories.
Even though I hated it all, deep inside, I lived for those tiny glimpses of my past.
Chapter 9
Alessio
I felt Ayla shift in my arms. She sighed almost sleepily and burrowed deeper into my embrace. Opening my eyes, with my vision still clouded with sleep, I stared down at her.
She was sleeping peacefully, a contradicting image after the nightmare she had just a few hours ago.
It had been a few days since she spoke, but nightmares had plagued her sleep every night since then.
She was feeling again. Her emotions were small, almost invisible, but definitely there. The nightmares were proof of that.
Ayla thought staying numb would be better, without realizing that she was slowly destroying herself by not feeling anything.
She had to let it out. I wasn’t stopping until I broke every wall around her heart.
“Good morning, Angel,” I whispered in her ear. Placing a kiss there, I pushed myself on my elbows. She sighed again and blinked her eyes open.
Ayla stared at me blankly for a moment and then closed her eyes again, refusing to acknowledge me. Like every day.
Kitten. How innocent. She seemed to have forgotten that I was a stubborn fucker. She could fight me all she wanted, but I would win in the end.
I won before. I was going to win again.
“It’s already late. You need to wake up and eat,” I pushed, kissing her on the nose.
I noticed her wrinkling her nose, and she opened her eyes again.
Ayla moved out of my embrace and struggled to sit up. Placing an arm behind her back, I helped her in a sitting position.
I rested my palm over her firm abdomen. When I felt a kick, I smiled. It was impossible not to. “Good morning to you too.”
Ayla tried to shift away from my hand, but I pressed it more firmly against her stomach, feeling the baby play target practice.
I moved my hand away, and Ayla placed hers over the bump, holding it protectively. At least she was acknowledging the baby.
I stared at Ayla until she looked away. Sometimes she would show subtle emotions, but they would quickly be gone.
She was fighting herself.
I guessed I had to fight her too.
I moved quickly then, surprising even myself. I was always patient. It looked like my patience was slowly running out.
Shifting myself over Ayla, with my thighs on either side of her hips, I moved my face closer to hers.
Her eyes widened in shock. There it was. Finally, an emotion. I saw her swallow hard, and her gaze moved slowly over my face.
I palmed her cheeks gently, our noses touching slightly. “Come back to me, Angel. I’m waiting for you. Let me help you. Give me a chance to make you whole again. Give us a chance. Fight for us.”
She closed her eyes. Stubborn woman.
“Ayla, open your eyes.”
Her eyes snapped open. “I told you before and I will tell you again: don’t look away from me. I want your eyes on me. Looking at me. Seeing me. Only me, Ayla.”
I didn’t miss how her breath caught in her throat and how she stared at me with wide eyes.
Ayla licked her lips and tried to look away. I noticed her hands rubbing her stomach, almost angrily. They were shaking. When I looked at her face, I saw that she looked lost and scared.
Ayla seemed agitated.
Fuck! I pushed too hard.
“Angel,” I murmured, kissing the corner of her mouth. “If you don’t talk to me, I can’t help you. And I want to help you.”
Ayla blinked several times, and she turned her head toward me, a look of astonishment on her face. She cocked her head to the side as if waiting for me to continue.