Oh God. I had to process all this, and I had to get out of here before he caught me lurking. I made sure everything was just as it had been when I entered, turned out the lights, and scurried out the door, shutting it behind me. Blue came trotting back, ready to be fawned over again. I complied, petting his smooth head and scratching him behind the ears.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Why didn’t you explain things to me?”
He let out a snuffle, like I was ridiculous. I probably was. I should have figured this out sooner, but it wasn’t too late to make things work between us. I went back to my room and started an Internet search on BDSM, because by the looks of things, the information I’d picked up in books and movies wouldn’t be enough.
Chapter Nine: Milo
I arrived home after midnight, wanting to lose myself in sleep, but I couldn’t sleep. After work, after Alice had visited my workshop, I’d gone to a friend’s house, to her “birthday bash,” which was more of a birthday gangbang. Allie was into that stuff, and it was fun seeing her get all her masochistic buttons pushed, but I wasn’t in the mood to participate. Instead of Allie, I kept thinking of Alice. Their names were similar—only one letter difference—but the two of them were nothing alike.
Alice was sweet and low-key, while Allie was a tempest. Alice had light hair, and Allie was dark. Alice was tall, and Allie was a petite package of perversity. I’d done so many fun scenes with Allie over the years, and now…now I couldn’t get into her. At all.
Fuck. Alice was ruining my life, tearing me in two, forcing me to be someone respectable because she was respectable. The other Doms were back at Allie’s, having a fucking blast, and I was lying in bed, too disgusted with myself to even jack off. I wanted what the guys at Allie’s place wanted, to torment and fuck a pretty girl, but I wanted it to be Alice instead, and that was a fucking problem.
I rolled over with a groan, squeezing my eyes shut. It didn’t help. I pictured everything I wanted to do to Lilly-Alice Nyquist in pornographic detail. There was the hard blowjob, of course. Fantasy number one: ramming my cock into her throat as she struggled to stay on her knees. I’d keep one hand clenched in her hair, making her look up at me every so often so I could see the tears overflowing her eyes. Her gagging and sputtering would be music to my ears—
No. Fucking no. Don’t think about her like that.
I had more, much more where that came from. There was the fantasy of cuffing her hands over her head and whipping her with a crop or strap as she struggled to get away, pleading with me to show her mercy. Maybe her hair would be done up in those braids, and I’d unravel them when I stopped to let her draw a breath. I’d shove her head back and kiss her hard, and clasp my fingers around her slender neck until she made frantic, panicked sounds.
No, don’t jack off to that, you sick pervert. Not to choking out Lilly-Alice.
Fine. I’d jack off to the anal fantasies instead. I’d imagine her long legs held apart by a spreader, her ass in the air, bent over a trestle or bench. I’d toy with her first, humiliate her, insert a plug that made her squirm, all the while reminding her that my dick was bigger and harder than the plug, than anything she’d fucking imagined. When I started easing into her, her toes would curl, and her asshole would clench in alarm. I’d spank her and whisper threats in her ear. Let me in. I’m going to make you my anal-craving slut.
I almost didn’t hear the tap at the door over the roar of blood filling my cock. The object of my fantasies opened the door and stuck her head in. Shit, those braids again. I could see them in the dim light from the hall.
“Milo? Are you awake?”
I should have played dead, but I’d already turned toward the door to see if she was okay.
“I’m awake. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” That was what she said, but there was clearly something troubling her. “Can I come in?” she asked.
“Sure.”
I sat up, wishing I slept in more than boxers as I clicked on my bedside light. Fortunately, my massive erection had ebbed, but I still piled as many covers as I could in my lap. She’d picked the wrong time to come visiting. I watched, holding my breath, as she came into my bedroom and stood at the bottom of my bed.
“I’m sorry, Milo. I know it’s late. I should probably just wait, or maybe not say anything, but if I don’t say something now, I’ll never find the courage again.”
I braced as she covered her eyes. What was she going to tell me? What dramatic, heartfelt revelation was going to make me want her even more?
“You can talk to me about anything,” I said.
She eyed my bare chest, and I wondered if she could see my heart beating. She was in a sleeveless white cotton nightgown. Nothing frilly, just practical. So Nordic. Kind of virginal.
“Tell me what’s on your mind,” I said, before I could start having dirty thoughts about it.
She met my gaze, her eyes wide, her features pale and lovely. “Milo, I accidentally… Well, I sort of stumbled on… I went into your…dungeon…today.”
The breath I’d been holding hardened to an ache in my chest. I let it out, wishing she’d said anything else, any other thing in the world besides I went into your dungeon today.
“Milo…?” she said in a soft voice.
I didn’t say anything at first, couldn’t say anything, but I felt anger and a dark sense of betrayal. I kept the dungeon’s door closed for a reason. I ought to have installed a lock when she moved in, but that would only have drawn attention to it. “I wish you hadn’t found that,” I finally said.
“I’m sorry. I was wandering around with Blue. I felt restless. I love your apartment so I was looking at the rooms and then I saw that door, and I thought it was a closet, something to do with the music room, so I went in, and once I was in there, I couldn’t stop myself from looking at all the…equipment.”
“You were creeping around my apartment?” I asked. “Opening all my doors?”
“It wasn’t locked.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re welcome to go in.”
She stood, facing me with her arms crossed over her chest. “I’m sorry if I intruded on your privacy, but you shouldn’t feel embarrassed.”
“Shouldn’t I? Would you be embarrassed if you were in my position? If I’d wanted you to know about that…that room…I would have told you.”
“I wish you had told me.” She stuck out her chin, her eyes alight with flaring anger. “I wish I had known. It would have explained a lot of things about you.”
I was surprised she had the audacity to scold me for my secrecy, considering she was the one who’d done something so wrong. I was angry and embarrassed, even more so than her. I wanted to order her out of my room, wanted to yell at her, You shouldn’t be in here, especially to tell me this.
“I could have pretended I never found it,” she said in the fraught silence. “But we’re closer friends than that. I wanted you to know that I saw it, and that I know now that you’re into BDSM, but I don’t care. It doesn’t scare me. It actually…” Her blush deepened. “It makes me curious.”
I had to laugh at that. Curious? She had no fucking idea.
“Why are you laughing?” She tossed her head, with her beautiful intricate braids. “Why aren’t you saying anything?”
“Because it’s none of your business. If I wanted you to know about that side of me, I would have told you. I would have said, hey, Alice, I’m into BDSM. Want to check out my dungeon?”
“Why didn’t you want me to know?”
“Because it’s private.”
“Is this why you won’t consider a relationship with me? Because you think I won’t accept this side of you? You’re wrong about that. I’m not afraid of passion…and…and sexy stuff.”
I laughed again. “Sexy stuff?”
“Whatever. Whatever craziness you’re into, it doesn’t scare me.”
“I’m not sure you have enough information to say that.”
“You
think I’m too innocent?”
“I know you’re too innocent.” Why was I even sitting in my bed discussing this with her? Why hadn’t I sent her out of my room yet? “Alice, it’s really late, and I don’t want to talk about this with you.”
“Too bad. I want to talk about it with you.”
“Obviously. You came in my bedroom while I was half asleep and dropped this on me, but I don’t want to discuss it.”