“Then why now?” she asks. “Why… change that? For me?”
“Because…” I hesitate, trying to find a way to explain it. How can I say it? How can I put into words the way she has grabbed hold of my heart and refuses to let go, even when I know I might end up upsetting Lexie? “Because I looked at you, just one look, and I knew I wanted you. In a way, I haven’t wanted anyone else all this time.”
She pauses, and she ducks her head this time, and when I reach for her hand again, she doesn’t pull away.
“Even so,” she says, after a long moment. “This is such a mess. I like Alex. She’s my roommate. My best friend. She doesn’t know, does she? You didn’t tell her last night?”
“No,” I admit. “I didn’t. It’s hard. She’s my daughter, and this has never come up before. I mean it when I say I haven’t been on any dates this whole time. I don’t have dating apps installed or anything like that – you can check my phone if you’d like to.”
She half-smiles. “I don’t need to check your phone. I believe you.”
“I don’t want anyone else. I swear it.” I pause, hoping I’m not about to sound too egotistical. “It’s not that I don’t get attention from women. I do. But I usually – no, I always turn them down. I didn’t want to risk my daughter’s upbringing over something that might not work out.”
“But now she’s at college,” Candy sighs. “She can look after herself.”
“To be honest, that part didn’t even cross my mind,” I tell her. “I got used to being on my own. I always thought that one day, I would find someone. I even thought about finding someone to help me bring Alex up. But over the years, I never found someone I was willing to take the risk on. There was never a sure bet, someone who was perfect from the outset. And I stopped thinking about it – until I saw you.”
I hope I’m doing enough to convince her. It’s hard to tell. But I know one thing for sure I’m not going to give up. I can’t give up.
I have to get through to her – because she is going to be mine, and I won’t accept that something so simple as her already knowing my daughter could keep us apart.
Chapter Seventeen
Candy
I take a breath. It’s hard to think straight, especially when he says those kinds of things. I want to just let go, to give up on any pretense at trying to spare Alex’s feelings. It’s hard not to feel that way when he looks at me the way that he does and says the kinds of things he says.
But I’m not just a one-dimensional cartoon character. I have more sides to me. Just as much as I want Finn, I also care about the people around me – Alex included. More so than most, because we’ve become so close over the semester we’ve spent living together. Maybe I’ve only known her a short time – but I’ve known Finn for even less. But even so…
“Look, Candy, it’s like this,” he says, breaking the short silence between us. “I can’t resist you. This thing we’ve started, I don’t want to stop. I want to see it through. I think we have a chance.”
I bite my lip. When he’s so open and honest, how can I stay shy about doing the same? “I can’t resist you, either,” I tell him. “All night, I couldn’t stop thinking…”
“Neither could I,” Finn says, taking hold of both of my hands and squeezing them. “I barely slept. By the time I got home from the campus, I knew I couldn’t just let this go.”
I find a smile brightening my face, unable to keep it down. “But what are we going to do about Alex?” I ask, the brightens dimming a little. “As much as I want this, I don’t want to hurt her either. If she knew…”
“It would seem like a betrayal,” Finn says heavily. “I know. I can see that, too. She would be upset to find out that we’d been seeing each other. Especially behind her back. But we’ve already done that – it’s too late to take it back now. And I don’t think this is the right time to hit her with the news. Maybe in the summer…”
“The summer?” I repeat, almost incredulous. “But that’s months away!”
“I know, I know.” Finn pauses, rubbing his thumbs over the backs of my hands. “I’m not saying we can’t see each other until then. Just that Lexie can’t know about it.”
“You want to keep it a secret?” I ask. Two things hit me at once first, that this is wrong, that we shouldn’t keep on lying to Alex. And second, that the thought of sneaking around with Finn is sexy as hell. I shouldn’t want this – shouldn’t even consider agreeing to this – but it sounds so good.