Her hand snatched his. ‘Twins. It’s too much. I won’t cope.’
‘It’s okay. We’ll cope.’
Shuffling up the bed, she leant back against his headboard. ‘No. I have to. I have to fight for my children. I can’t fall apart when the going gets rough. I have to fight for them, no matter what tries to knock me off course.’
‘You don’t think you’re already doing that?’ He parked his butt on the edge of the bed and reached for her hands again.
‘I don’t know.’ She pulled them away and tucked them on her stomach under the cover. ‘Maybe I should go home.’
‘You want to ride a train now?’ What was wrong with staying here with him for the night? Disappointment slayed him.
‘Back to New Zealand.’
Forget being disappointed. Try shocked. Hadn’t she been adamant there was nothing for her back there? ‘Why?’
‘Smaller city, a health system I understand.’
‘No family or friends to support you. No father of the babies you’re going to have there to take his turn at feeding and changing nappies.’ She couldn’t take his children to the other side of the world. Could she? Would she?
Her smile did nothing to lift the chill settling over him. ‘How often do you think you’re going to be doing that? You’ll be at work all day, dashing back to the hospital to check on a patient even when you do come home. Get real, Kristof. We’re not going to be playing happy families. It might start out all right, but what happens when you’ve got a girlfriend in tow? Is she going to want to be second fiddle to bottles and potties?’
Go for the throat, why don’t you? ‘I don’t have girlfriends. Only occasional enjoyable flings. Nothing permanent.’ The words were out before he’d thought them through. ‘As we had,’ he added as his brain scrambled to rectify his blunder, only making things worse.
‘There you go. A fling. Not a relationship. Not a lifelong commitment.’ Alesha tossed the cover away and her feet hit the carpet.
‘This is different. We’ve got a lifetime commitment.’ It felt as if they were going round and round with neither one of them saying exactly what needed to be said. Standing up, he reached out, placed his hands on her shoulders. ‘Alesha, look at me.’
Instantly her face lifted and those big, sad eyes locked on him. ‘Yes?’
‘Marry me.’ The words were out before he knew he was going to say them.
Take them back. Can’t. Won’t. I don’t want to marry again, especially when there’s no love between us.
Something like a rock nudged him. Wasn’t there? No, of course not.
‘Say that again,’ Alesha demanded.
‘It makes sense. That way we can make this work as a proper family. We’ll get a bigger house with space for the children and our own rooms that the kids can go between as they want.’
All colour drained from her face. ‘I...’ Gulp. ‘That’s not a marriage. That’s a contract to keep the kids happy, except they won’t be when they realise their parents don’t share a life like their friends’ parents do.’
‘I thought we were trying to come to a workable arrangement where the children will be safe and happy.’ Got it wrong again?
‘You seem to have forgotten your reaction to that idea the night I told you I was pregnant.’
No, he hadn’t. He’d had to time to weigh it all up and see there were positives about being married in this situation.
Nothing to do with loving Alesha?
He did not love her. Did he?
Sure this feeling of being turned inside out by Alesha isn’t love?
It couldn’t be. He’d been in love once, and that had been different.
Yeah, and she turned out to be the wrong woman for you.
What if he did love Alesha? Was in denial about it? His heart slowed as that thought took up residence in his head. No. That wasn’t possible. He’d feel different, light, happy, excited. Not worried and concerned for Alesha and the babies, not trying to get everything right for them all. No, he’d be leaping in, boots and all, and to hell with the consequences. Wouldn’t he?
Bending down, she picked up her bag from the floor and headed for the door. ‘I know you really care about these babies, and maybe even me, but I do not want to add a half-hearted marriage into the mix.’ In the kitchen she slipped her feet into her shoes. ‘Thank you for the offer, but it’s a no from me.’
His heart returned to his toes, and it had only just managed to climb up from there.
I want this.
Shock jerked him backwards. To have Alesha as his wife. In his life. All the time. ‘Would you at least think about it?’
She paused, cupped his cheek with her palm. And sent shivers of need rattling through him. ‘Thank you for asking. I know it means a lot to you, but it isn’t right for us.’
Even in a moment like this he wanted her, could feel the desire ramping up and overtaking all else. Act on that and he was a dead man. Or an idiot, which he doubted. ‘We’ll leave things as they stand for now.’ When her hand dropped away he wanted to snatch it up and place it back against his skin. ‘I’m not pushing you into anything you don’t want. It’s another option, that’s all.’
‘An option?’ She shuddered. ‘I understand.’ Did she say ‘all too well’ under her breath?
‘I don’t think you do.’ He didn’t, so why would Alesha? All he knew was he’d proposed when the idea had not been there minutes before. She’d given him a reprieve—one that he did not want now he’d put the idea out there. She was the reason he’d turned down the blatant offer one of the bridesmaids had made at the wedding two weeks ago. The woman had been hot and willing, and he’d said no, thanks. Which said more than just about anything could about his state of mind. Confused, worried, and also waking up.
I want to marry Alesha, and not for the babies’ sake.
He was ready to try again. Because of Alesha and her beautiful nature, her sense of right, her fun, her—her everything. ‘Alesha?’
Sadness softened her lips, dulled her eyes further. ‘I’m going home, London home, that is. I need to be alone.’
‘I’ll g
ive you a lift.’ He wasn’t taking any argument on that score. Alesha was shattered and upset. Riding a train was not on tonight.
‘I appreciate the offer.’ That came with a small, wry smile.
There was no understanding this woman. Seemed he could never get it right with her.
* * *
‘Kristof proposed.’ Alesha swallowed the lump in the back of her throat. ‘I turned him down. How mad was I? I love him so much I hurt and I said no.’
It was the right thing to do.
He didn’t love her, would one day come to regret it, especially when he met a woman he did want the whole commitment shebang with. Then he’d thank her for tonight.
Her stomach growled. Nothing to do with nausea though. It was hungry. The last thing she’d eaten had been hours ago in the canteen at work. Lunch had been a bread roll with salad and cheese—and a distant memory.
Padding out to the kitchen, she put a pan of water on and dropped in two eggs to poach, popped some bread into the toaster.
Somehow she’d managed to walk away from Kristof when her heart had been crying out to accept his proposal. She’d been strong. For her and the babies. They didn’t need to grow up in a loveless family. Her love for Kristof overwhelmed her sometimes, it was so big and wonderful. But it hurt not to get any love back. Men had always dropped her when she got too serious about them.
Yeah, and this time was different. Kristof wants to marry me.
The toaster popped and the toast flipped onto the bench. Not waiting for it to cool, she plastered a good dollop of butter over it.
I pushed him away, just like he said I did with others.
Hardly. Other men left her, not the other way round.
Why did they back off? Why hadn’t Kristof? That was easy. She was having his babies. He was a stayer, took responsibility seriously. Look at how he wanted to buy her a place to live near his apartment so he could be there for them all. He’d always make sure she had everything she wanted.