Is there anyone in this world who cares more about me than this man? Has there ever been someone out there who loves me so entirely other than him?
I don’t think there is. I don’t think there could be.
Ryke doesn’t wait any longer.
He kisses me, holding the back of my head, deepening our natural embrace. My smile grows beneath his lips.
“Daddy! I need help!”
“Mom, can you come here?”
We break apart, and he kisses my cheek before we physically separate.
“Looks like I’m going this way and you’re going that way.” I walk backwards towards the jewelry where Sulli digs into a clear bucket.
“Don’t get into too much fucking trouble, sweetheart.” He scans me once before setting his gaze on Winona, who jumps repeatedly. Trying to reach the highest shelf of dolphin, sea turtle, and penguin stuffed animals.
We never really tire from Winona’s bounciness, her crazed energy in good company with the rest of ours. I slip next to Sulli and hip-bump her.
She hip-bumps back and shows me the rope necklaces she picked out. “Can I get these?”
Each has one silver animal pendant: bird, dolphin, wolf, and otter. I smile at her choices, knowing which one represents us. I’m the bird. She’s the dolphin. Ryke is the wolf. Winona is the otter. “Definitely.”
“I want to keep the wolf, then give you the dolphin, Dad the otter, and Nona the bird.”
Sulli always thinks about us, and I was never really anyone’s number one growing up. I was the number two or number three sister. Sometimes even number four. Ryke and I are number ones to our girls, and it’s an insane feeling.
I just want to make sure that she always thinks about herself too. “You don’t have to share if you don’t want to.”
Sulli adjusts my off-kilter flower crown with a smile and says, “I really, really want to, Mom.”
“Then I’m totally wearing mine out.” I wag my brows like this is an A+ daring act, even though it’s so normal.
“Higher!” Winona’s laughter lights her voice. The little giraffe sits atop Ryke’s shoulders, already in line with the tallest shelf.
“You want to hit your head on the fucking ceiling?”
“Yeah!”
Ryke has his hand on her ankle. “Not fucking happening, sweetie.”
“Watcha looking at, squirt?” Sulli skips over to her little sister.
“The sea turtles!”
Sulli glances over her shoulder at me, waiting for me to catch up, but my phone rings in my pocket with a familiar tone. I wave my cell at my daughter, and she nods, darting straight to Ryke and Winona.
I rest my arm on the checkout counter, our zoo guide Bethany texting by the rack of key chains, but I don’t worry whether she’s in earshot.
Phone to my ear. “Hey there.”
“Okay, hey, so I’m at the store,” Willow whispers like she is sneaking down aisles unseen. “And wait, we’re still on for breakfast when you get back?”
“Totally, it’s been too long.” I haven’t seen my best friend in an entire week, which seems short, but when she’s in Philly, we usually drop by and see one another every other day. The biggest sadness of the summer: when Willow leaves for London with Garrison and Vada, their daughter who’ll turn four soon. It’s the longest span of time they’re not around any of us.
“Agreed…” Willow trails off, making a thinking noise like uhhh. “I forgot why I called…hold on a sec.”
I smile and push dolphin magnets around a display. “I’m sending you all the remembrance vibes.”
“Got it.”
I mock gasp. “Lily was right. I do have powers.”
Willow laughs. “If it were up to Lily, we all would.”
I smile wider at that truth. Absentmindedly, I thumb a silver ring on my finger, a square etched in the center. I haven’t taken it off since the day Willow gave me hers, and she’s never removed her matching one.
Quietly, Willow asks, “Winona hates banana muffins or blueberry pancakes? Vada said the blueberries, but Garrison is pretty sure it’s the banana muffins.”
Vada and Winona are best friends, along with Audrey and Kinney, so if one girl has a play date, chances are all four will be there.
“She hates blueberries,” I say. “Sulli doesn’t like banana muffins, but only when people put nuts in them.” Sullivan is still the pickiest eater around, but she makes do.
“…awesome, okay, I’m about to make my way to the pancake aisle. No blueberries. Tell Ryke I said hi. See you when you get back.”
When we hang up, I remember all my theories about friendships. Somehow, someway—I managed to keep this special one close, despite distance and years of time.
This one survived.
* * *
“Look, Winona.” I point towards the giraffe habitat as we approach the wooden fence. With each step, I try to tie the rope necklace around Ryke’s wrist. It’s too small to fit anywhere else for him, mine is more like a choker.
Winona sprints elatedly to the fence, her hood falling backwards. Sulli jogs after her sister.
Ryke uses his teeth to loosen the knot on the bracelet, finally secure and not too tight. He has the bag of stuffed animals crammed in his backpack. Simon the sea turtle for Winona and then she picked out three others for her best friends and a dolphin for Sulli.
I’ve never been to the zoo without crowds. Without so much congestion and people. The pavement is barren of bodies, the exhibits more visible from farther away. It’s not this sight that swells inside of me.
It’s the sound.
Birds chirping, lions roaring. Hooves and paws pounding the earth. The human noises we make never overpower the song of nature, and I could shut my eyes and just listen all day.
I catch Ryke staring down at me for an extended moment. “What?”
“You look really fucking happy.” His eyes nearly glass.
“I really am.” I can say it with certainty. With utmost ease. I’m almost so happy I could scream. I playfully bite his arm, and he kisses the top of my head.
When we reach Winona and Sulli at the fence, our teeny tiny giraffe tries to climb up and over the fence and into the habitat.
Ryke pries her off and sets her on her feet. “That’s fucking dangerous.”
Winona gapes. “But…but how do we see the animals?”
Sulli makes a wincing noise. “This is about to go pretty bad,” she whispers to me before hopping up on the bench. She sits on top and absorbs the peaceful surroundings—while Winona swings her head from side to side like we’ve brought her to the wrong place.
I wondered if she understood what a zoo was, but I just didn’t think it needed an explanation other than it’s where you see all the animals.
Ryke glances over his shoulder at me. I know that look. It’s the one that says, I can’t think of the right fucking words. I need you, Dais.
I’ve never been needed, not before Ryke either. I’ve never been wanted or truly lo
ved in the way that I know I deserve to be loved.
I’m quick.
Next to Ryke, I bend down to Winona’s height. “You see the animals right there.” I point through the slats of the wooden fence. Two giraffes amble across dry bush and sandy dirt.
Winona clutches the rungs and sticks her head through. Metal fence also separates wildlife from us, and every ounce of excitement she had starts plummeting like an anchor sinking in an ocean.
I look up at Ryke as he runs his hand through his thick hair, putting his baseball cap back on. He outstretches an arm. “We should’ve taken her to a fucking petting zoo.”
“I don’t know…” I’m not sure it’s just about Winona wanting to touch the animals.
Ryke squats beside me, his hand hovering on Winona’s back in case she decides to fit her body through the fence. She’s completely silent, not facing us.
With Ryke really close, I whisper, “She never mentioned touching animals, just seeing them.”
“Maybe she was fucking confused.”
It’s possible. I rest my cheek on his arm while we wait for her to turn around. “Guess what?”
“What?”
“We made a baby giraffe.”
The start of his smile slowly dies as Winona finally spins. Tears drip down her soft cheeks and slide along her delicate nose.
My lungs bind. Whenever one of our girls cries, Ryke’s muscles tense, his brows scrunch, and he edges an inch closer as though to say I’m fucking here for you.
“Shh, it’s okay.” I wipe her tears with the corner of my shirt.
“How do the giraffes leave?” Winona asks tearfully. I watch Ryke watch me for a moment, both of us understanding why she’s upset. The fences. The exhibits. Not because they keep her out, but because they keep the animals in.
Ryke shakes his head at our daughter. “They don’t want to fucking leave.”
“But what if they do? What if they want to roam the whole wide world but they’re stuck?”
“What if they’re all happy and they never want to leave?” I ask Winona.
“But they’re not free!” she sobs, voice cracking.
I instantly pull Winona to my chest, and she wraps her arms around me. I lift her up and stand at the same moment as Ryke. I whisper in Winona’s ear, “There are millions of animals all over this great big world, and the ones in the zoo are loved by people. These people even rescue them, nurture them, and protect them. This may be their home for now or for later, but they’re safe here.”