I nodded.
“Okay. Do any of those areas include your tender lady areas? You know, breasts? Vagina? Both?”
I nodded again.
“Do you feel more tired than usual?” She asked. “Never mind. I can answer that one. It’s a yes. Those bags under your eyes weren’t built in a day.”
She was right. “I’m too tired to feel insulted.”
“Do you find yourself more sensitive to smells lately?”
“Not that I’m aware of.” I said, adding, “although you sprayed enough of that disinfectant on this table to use it in a hospital.”
“Okay, how about this one, have you had your period in the last month?” Josh asked.
I thought about her question but couldn’t give a definitive answer. “I’m not sure. I’ve never really kept track. Although, it hasn’t been recently, so it’s possible I haven’t had it in a while.”
“Like what’s a while?”
“Well, I’ve been here for over three months. I don’t remember getting it since I’ve been here.” I said.
Josh looked at me, turning her head and nodding like she was waiting for me to come to a conclusion I wasn’t coming to. “And? What do you think?” I asked. “Flu?”
Josh leaned forward and placed a hand on each of my knees. “Sawyer, do you think there is any possibility that you could be pregnant?”
I almost laughed as I shook my head. “No. It’s not possible.”
“What do you mean it’s not possible? Don’t even try and lie and say that you and Finn aren’t bumping uglies.” Josh crossed her arms over her chest.
“If bumping uglies means what I think it means, then yes. We are. But I can’t get pregnant.”
“And why is that?” Josh asked.
“Because Finn and I aren’t married.” As soon as the words left my mouth I realized how stupid that sounded. I was reciting something I’d been taught at an early age. Something I never even considered to challenge. Except, if I’d have spent any time thinking about it at all I would have come to the conclusion I’d just came to in about twenty seconds. Not only wasn’t that true. It was downright ridiculous. “I know, I know,” I groaned. “I just realized how stupid that sounded too.”
Josh looked like she was contemplating her words as she bit the inside of her cheek. She spoke slowly. Cautiously. “Sawyer, I don’t know what you were taught, but it is possible for a man to get a woman pregnant without them being married. If you don’t believe me just ask my cousin Corinne. She’s got a baby daddy in every county from here to Miami.”
A pit in my stomach began to grow. I placed my hands over where I’d unbuttoned the top button of my shorts that very morning getting ready for work. I remember blaming their snugness on shrinkage from the wrong dryer setting.
“Have you ever seen an episode of Teen Mom?”
“Uh. No.”
“Let me ask you this. Do you and Finn use anything while you get down to business?” Josh asked.
Use anything? Like what?
I blew out a long-frustrated breath. I felt my skin tingling. A warning of impending feeling overload. “I don’t know. Are there other things to use besides your…you know? Your parts?”
Josh knelt in front of me and pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. She tapped my leg with each option she listed. “I meant like birth control. Condoms? Pills? Pulling out?”
“Not that I’m aware of,” I answered.
Josh sighed. “Baby girl, this is my fault. I knew you and Finn were getting closer. I should have had the birds and bees talk with you.”
“You use bees?” I asked, my eyes widening. “How?”
“You have got to be kidding me!” Josh exclaimed.
“Okay, that one was a joke,” I admitted. “But I still don’t know what you mean.” I was trying to play it off. Trying to make a joke of it all, but the reality was that I’d never been so embarrassed in my life.
“It’s just an expression. A pretty stupid one now that I think about it.”
I growled, hating that I was still so naive about the world. I thought I was doing well for someone who didn’t grow up in mainstream USA immersed in pop culture.
I was wrong.
I was embarrassed above all else.
Of course, you could get pregnant even if you weren’t married. Marriage wasn’t some magic fertility ritual.
“Oh,” I sat up. “I might be pregnant.”
I might be pregnant.
“It just now occurred to you?” Josh asked, slapping me on the arm with a folded-up napkin.
“Apparently, I’m slow at catching on,” I said.
There could be a baby inside of me. OUR baby. A life that depends on me. A spark of what I could only describe as unconditional love planted deep inside of me and with each passing second it grew until I was practically humming with love for this baby I hadn’t even known if I was really carrying yet.
“It takes two to tango, Sawyer. Finn was there too.”
Yes, he was.
Uh oh. Finn. What was Finn going to think when I told him that because of my stupidity I could be pregnant with his baby?
An odd sort of thrill jolted through me and I found myself fighting a smile. He’d said he wanted kids someday. With me. I took a deep calming breath. Which was perfect timing because the back door opened and Finn sauntered in, draping his sweat drenched shirt across the back of his neck and shoulders.
The second he saw me he knew something was going on. I must have had panic written all over my face.
“Shit. What the hell happened?” Finn asked. “What’s wrong, Say?” He crossed the bar and crouched down where Josh had just been. She stood up to make room for him, leaning up against the bar.
I covered my face with my hands but he gently pulled them away and tipped my face up so our eyes met. I shook my head. Embarrassed that even if I could find the words that I still wouldn’t be able to relay them properly. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
“What happened?” Finn repeated his question, this time to Josh and in a much harsher tone.
Josh didn’t crack joke or even smile. She remained serious, yet calm. Her voice softening to a tone I’d never heard her use before. I could tell she was trying very hard not to make me feel worse than I already did. “Sawyer hasn’t been feeling well.”
“Still?” Finn asked. “Stomach flu? Cold? I’ll run to the general store. What can I get you? Or better yet, we’ll just take you to the Doctor down the street. He does walk-in’s. Come one let’s go.” He stood and pulled me up with him as he looked me over for obvious signs of sickness.
I looked to Josh for help. Pleading with my eyes to not make me be the one to tell him. I was being a coward but I’d been so strong in other areas. I could bomb at bravery at this one little thing.
“Wait,” she said, tugging on Finn’s shirt. “Take a seat.”
Finn reluctantly sat and I did the same. “Is someone going to tell me what’s going on?”
“Sawyer, doesn’t quite remember when the last time aunt flow came to town, but she doesn’t think it was this month,” she said. “Or since she’s been in Outskirts.”
I winced.
Finn’s entire demeanor became stone.
I cringed and waited for him to pull his hands from mine, but he didn’t. “Why didn’t you say something?” He asked gently, giving my hands a squeeze.
I felt my face reddening. “I didn’t know. I didn’t think it was possible. I feel so stupid.”