“Things have changed since your first disappearance. The community is much more heavily guarded now. And a fully grown adult doesn’t fit into a trunk either,” he says, smashing all my dreams to bits.
“There has to be something we can do,” I beg, on the verge of desperation. “I can’t leave her in there while she’s suffering and in pain.”
“The doctors have medication too. Our community gets supplies from this world occasionally,” he says. “We only use it in dire situations.”
“Oh, sure, like that’s going to make me feel better,” I scoff.
He just looks at me and pets my hand. He’s too sweet, too kind, and I hate it.
“Stop,” I say, pulling away. “I can’t. I just can’t deal with this.”
“It’s okay. I knew this would happen.”
A sudden rage overtakes me and spills out through my mouth.
“You knew she was alive, and you didn’t tell me,” I hiss. “Just like before, when you knew she was my mother, and you didn’t tell me. You … lied. Again.”
“I didn’t lie. I was going to tell you, eventually.”
“When?” I snort. “After I’d already come back with you?”
“When you were ready,” he says with the most earnest voice that pushes all my buttons. “Because you’re pregnant and under a lot of stress, and I didn’t want to worsen the situation.”
“Worsen the situation?” I jolt up from my seat. “You already did that the moment you and your partner showed up and stole away Emmy!”
He’s still trying to hold me. “Listen to me. I care about you more than anything, but you need to calm down. What good is panicking now? You can’t help your mother if you work yourself into a heart attack,” he growls. “Yes, I initially came to get you back, but I promised you I wouldn’t take you with me unless you said yes. And I’m sticking to that promise.”
“Why now? Out of all the times you could’ve chosen to help me, why choose my side now?” I know I sound angry, but I can’t help but question his motives.
He grabs my hand again. “Because my only goal has always been to change the community from the inside out. This is why I wanted you to experience the outside world, so you knew how twisted our community was,” he explains. “This is the truth. This isn’t something that happened over night, Natalie. I’ve been planning this for years. And when the time came, I went out looking for you. I was hoping you’d come search for me too, that you’d remember us.”
I swallow away the lump in my throat.
He squeezes my hands. “I just didn’t realize you’d forgotten about us … and how hard it would be to bring you back. To make you experience all the suffering our women go through.” He grabs a strand of my hair and tucks it behind my ear. “I needed you to experience all of the pain and all of the sorrow … so you would know exactly why it needed to be changed. None of the women there understand, but you do. You know both worlds. And only you can change it … with me.”
I shake my head. “I can’t. This … this is … so much to take.” I sit down on a chair before I lose my balance again. “You planned all of this?” I ask him straight up. “Even the suffering hut?”
He nods. “The suffering hut was the only way to make you see the real community. It is part of the initiation.” When he sees my angered face, he goes down on one knee in front of me. “If I had taken you straight to the Temple, lavished you with gifts and showered you with adoration … you wouldn’t have wanted to change a thing about the community.”
I lick my lips and let it all sink in for a moment. “You wanted me to become a martyr.”
This is the reason? This is the reason I went through all that shit? So that I could learn what it felt like to gain independence and then lose it?
It all feels so … hollow.
“My intention was never to hurt you, but for you to understand,” he says.
I frown and look away. I don’t know what to do with all of this information. It doesn’t make the pain sting any less or the memories go away. Everything I experienced is now lodged forever in my soul.
The Family changed me, and he can’t ever take that back. Being here, in my apartment, in the real world outside the community can’t fix that either. Nothing can.
And worst of all, I’m not merely deciding over my own fate and that of the people in the community, but I have to decide over my baby’s fate too … and it has no choice in the matter.
“I know it’s a lot to take in right now, but know that I always had this intention from day one. I’ve fought so hard, and it’s been difficult seeing you like that.”