“I’m not totally against that idea,” Kota said. He put his glasses back on, his green eyes filled with a new determination. He looked at and spoke to me. “You wouldn’t have to go. You just wouldn’t have to be as involved as you are now. It’s not just for you. It’s for us, too. We’re not ready.”
“Ready or not, they are asking for her,” Mr. Blackbourne said.
“Then maybe she should be busy that week,” Dr. Green said quietly.
Mr. Blackbourne turned to me. “It might be tempting,” he said. “You do have a choice, but I don’t think keeping you from it is the best solution.”
My heart was in my throat as I stood quietly, staring at all the gifts I’d helped to put together, suddenly disinterested in it all. With all the secrets and Academy rules, where I stood and would stand in the future was unclear. I wanted to listen to all of their concerns without interrupting. I was trying to do what they taught me: to hear them all out, and to get the full scope of what I’d be facing, before offering my own opinion. “Would it hurt anything?” I asked.
“It would give us more time,” Dr. Green said. “Maybe we should wait another year.”
“I can’t believe you’d suggest that, Doc,” Victor said. “You don’t think she should join?”
“I don’t like when there’s a risk of us losing her to another team,” Dr. Green said, his voice getting stronger. His eyes went wide and his shoulders pulled back. “The odds aren’t good for us right now. Why can’t we just pause for the time being? Keep her where she is? There’s no harm in it.”
Mr. Blackbourne frowned, a small dip of his lips that made my already nervous heart drop into my stomach. “We can’t keep her in limbo.” He turned to me, his steel eyes flashing. “Miss Sorenson, are you comfortable where you are?”
There was so much behind his question. “I can be if it’s necessary,” I said, wanting to be sensitive to Kota and Dr. Green. Clearly the rule about boys and girls not being allowed on the same team was what they were concerned about. It was already causing a rift between them. If we weren’t ready, then that was fine. It didn’t deter my desire to stay with them.
“Waiting until later won’t hurt. But I do want to stay with our team. I was told it was a choice. If that’s true, then why would they force me into another team?”
“They don’t force anything, sweetheart,” Victor said. He came over, stood close and wrapped an arm around me, squeezing me in a side hug. “You always have a choice. Sometimes, though, to be honest, they have a way of making us see things in a different light that gets us to try out new things. Sometimes that’s a new team.” He turned to look at the others. “That’s not always a bad thing, either. She’s not going to disappear into a black hole, even if she does choose to join another team. If in the end, if she wants to, how can we stop her?”
That wasn’t really what I wanted, I knew that. I’d grown too close to them to ever consider leaving them. I’d simply have to prove it to them and to the Academy somehow. That was much harder to do when I didn’t know what was ahead of me. Couldn’t I just say flat out from the start that I preferred to stay with them?
The guys were quiet.
“She doesn’t know she has options,” Kota finally said. “Or what they are. What we risk is their influence when she has no idea what she can negotiate.”
“Which is why it’s important that she does go,” Mr. Blackbourne said. “Perhaps now more than ever. She’ll learn what she can do, even if she says she’s not ready yet to join completely. It will at least give her what she needs to make an informed decision.”
Kota stood, frowning. “There’s a greater chance they’ll place her somewhere else, or they’ll ask her to leave. Or they could ask us to leave her alone and send in another team. She’s too nice to say no, even if she might be unhappy. That’s what I’m trying to prevent.”
“I’ll just tell them I don’t want to,” I said, more quietly than I’d intended.
He looked at me. “I know you—a little at least—and you’d do anything to help other people, even if it means leaving us behind. It may not be the wrong decision when you’re presented with it.” He turned his eyes back to Mr. Blackbourne, standing tall, his shoulders back. “But is it wrong to hold off the question when we have so little to offer to Sang right now? They see us as a troubled team with a tough job--and she’s in the middle of it. We offer more danger than actual protection and any opportunity for learning at the moment. I’m not sure how to convince them we need her, and that she should stay.”
“They’ll do anything to keep her, once they know her,” Mr. Blackbourne said, his tone low.
Kota pressed his lips together, his eyes narrowing at Mr. Blackbourne. He said nothing, just continued frowning.
As the two of them looked at each other, I was grateful Victor was there. I breathed in his moss and berry scent for strength but found myself wanting to bury my head into his shoulder for comfort rather than say anything. I wanted to get Kota and the others to believe that, whatever happened, I wanted to stay with them.
This talk of changing teams frightened me most of all; what could the Academy offer me that would lure me away from them?
“I want to stay with you,” I said into the quiet room. Victor reached for my hand, squeezing it encouragingly as I continued. “If that means I have to skip the introduction this time, I’ll do so. But if we go through with it, I’ll tell them from the start...”
Mr. Blackbourne cut me off. “You should listen to your options first,” he said, but then bowed his head in a clear apology. “Believe me, I’m just as eager to get you on our team, Miss Sorenson. But you should wait until the end of the week. Let them introduce you to other people. Giving them a chance to show you some options may be just enough to demonstrate to them that you’re at least willing to listen and consider alternatives. By the end of it, you’ll have to make some sort of decision.” He sighed. “The truth is, the offer might be very hard to ignore.”
An offer. That’s the result they were worried about. The Academy provides so much for the guys, I knew that. What offer would the Academy provide for me that would convince me to leave the boys to stay on a girl team?
They didn’t have to say it because suddenly I was aware of the real fear. It wasn’t my decision to make right now. It was the offer they feared. At the end, when the Academy saw me and talked to me, they’d give me choices. I couldn’t predict what it would be.
Mr. Blackbourne looked again at Kota intently. “But we also have to be ready with our position if she says she wishes to stay. So we all need to be ready to tell them we want her in, without hesitation.”
Kota was still frowning. “I suppose I don’t have much choice if they want to invite her into the Academy. It’s the worst time for her to join with us.”
I gritted my tee
th and then released Victor’s hand to step forward to look firmly at the others. “If all I have to do is wait until the end to say I want to stay with the team, then I’ll keep quiet and do as they ask until the end.”
“You’ll be provided the opportunity during a final review,” Mr. Blackbourne said. His face was calm, but his eyes betrayed a flicker of worry behind the gray.
That flicker added to the doubt in my heart. I didn’t want to believe that I’d choose any other group. Their questioning my loyalty hurt in a way. If they didn’t really believe in us as a group, then would the Academy see that and think I’d be better off somewhere else?
Victor took my elbow, holding me comfortingly. The fire in his eyes settled on Mr. Blackbourne. “As long as she’s aware, she can at least prepare herself for that moment. If you’re not going to tell her anything else in advance, then you shouldn’t scare her with any more. The introduction into the Academy shouldn’t be scary. You’ll make her think they’re all bad guys not willing to listen.”
The rest of them nodded in tense agreement. I swallowed, unsure about all of this. Their concerns and doubts now slipped into my heart.
Maybe I didn’t have to be afraid of the Academy, as they did good things for other people, but what I did fear was if they shined the light too brightly on us and discovered secrets we weren’t ready to reveal. Maybe they’d call us out for being silly and unrealistic, planning an impossible outcome. Maybe they’d try to shut us down.
The answer was up to me. But because I was new and, as Kota said, too nice, they weren’t sure I’d be able to convince the Academy I really wanted to stay with them. At the end, I would have to face the Academy and stand firm, telling them I didn’t want to leave them, no matter the cost.
But the offer still remained a mystery. Maybe even they didn’t know what they would offer to keep me within the Academy.
The boys couldn’t help me with this. Maybe it was better to face the Academy now instead of waiting it out like Dr. Green had suggested. If the Academy learned my decision, then this whole worry would be behind us.