S ecret L ives
I dreamed a wind swept through a valley, laced with fire and blinding anyone that it came across. I was tied to a tree, unable to dodge the fire no matter how I struggled. All I could do was wait what was coming for me.
Part of me felt like I deserved it.
“Sang?” a voice woke me from my dream.
I sat up in bed, shivering, confused. It was dawn. My alarm hadn’t gone off yet.
A knock sounded at the door. “Sang?” my father called. “Are you awake?”
Was something wrong? Was he going to the hospital with my mother? I kicked off my blankets, my heart rattling hard against my half-asleep body. My father never came to my door unless something was wrong. I swallowed back my fears, tugging down the hem of my t-shirt on my body as it had crept up my stomach while I was sleeping. When I was decent, I opened my bedroom door, peeking out.
My father loomed in the hallway, dressed in dark slacks, a white collared shirt and tie. A suit coat hung off of his arm. If he was going to the hospital, he wouldn’t be wearing that. He peered in at me with his dark and tired eyes.
I opened the door more, tilting my head. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m going on a business trip,” he said. He nodded toward the stairwell, in the direction of his bedroom, where my mother was likely still sleeping. “I won’t be back for a couple of days. I need to make sure you get your mother to eat something while I’m gone. You know how she gets when she doesn’t.”
I nodded. Since I was about nine years old, my mother had been sick. She first went in for a sinus infection but came back weeks later with bottles of morphine for an illness I wasn’t privileged to know about. She’d never been the same since, traversing in and out of hospitals almost as often as I went to school.
Her illness was bad enough as it was. The drugs, however, made her paranoid. My sister and I spent most of our childhood and early teenage years at her mercy, keeping us isolated in our rooms. She told us that men would rape us; monsters would kidnap and kill us. If we disobeyed, if we left the house and she found out we’d talked to anyone outside the family, she punished us by getting us to kneel on a hardwood floor or sit on a stool for hours at a time. If she didn’t eat, didn’t take her medicine, the punishments got worse.
“Where are you going?” I asked. It was Friday, and not only did I have school, but I also had something secret to do with the Academy. I’d have to hope the boys were right, and it wouldn’t take all day.
“Mexico,” he said. “I’ll be back soon. Tell your sister.”
Marie, my older sister, was probably still asleep across the hall. I wondered why he told me and not her. I couldn’t remember the last time he went on a business trip. I usually didn’t notice until he was already gone. I hardly saw him anyway, he was always working. It had me wondering why he mentioned it this time. Maybe he expected to be away longer.
He marched down the stairs, turned the corner and was gone. A moment later, the sound of his car starting echoed through the house. His suitcase must have already been in the car. Telling me he was leaving was like an afterthought. No goodbyes. No promises to call.
A hollow household with hollow people. We did what we had to do.
I got dressed for school in shorts and a blouse. When I was ready, I went to the kitchen downstairs. I found some crackers in the cabinet and grabbed a yogurt cup and a spoon, along with a bottle of water. I tiptoed through the quiet house toward my parents’ bedroom.
My mother was slumped over her pillow, her mouth open and she was snoring. Her graying hair was pulled back in a ponytail, recently brushed out and fixed up. If I didn’t know any better, she looked almost normal, peaceful.
I didn’t want to wake her. I dropped the crackers and everything onto her bedside table. I hoped it would be enough if she woke up and was hungry.
Something glinting under the bed caught my eye. I checked my mother again to make sure she wasn’t going to wake up. I dropped to my knees next to the bed, ducking my head.
There was an open shoebox on its side under her bed. I recognized her handwriting on some of the notes that spilled out. The silver metal glint was a picture frame. The picture was a little faded, and it took a moment for me to realize it was my mother. She had to have been no more than twenty or so at the time the picture was taken. Her hair was longer then, and her eyes clearer, sharper than I’d ever remembered.
It was in that moment that I realized I couldn’t recall ever seeing a picture of anyone in my family. I didn’t think she owned a camera. Why hadn’t it occurred to me before? It was a small thing, but something that never crossed my mind.
This photograph, as far as I knew, was the only one of any of us in the entire house. She’d kept it hidden.
The sight of this had my heart thundering in my chest. Why was it under her bed? Did she not like it? She didn’t want anyone knowing she had it. Did my dad know?
There were other objects in the box as well, needles and old bottles of prescription medication, some dating back before I was born.
I didn’t want to go through her private things or get caught doing so. I closed the lid for her, slipping the box back underneath the bed again. I scrambled to get out of her room.
I would let her keep her secrets. I had my own to deal with. Adding hers to mine right now was too much. I needed to get to school.
That afternoon, I was flat on my back in
a thin, pale green hospital gown as I waited for the MRI machine to start. The guys had taken me to this nondescript medical building in downtown Charleston with the promise that my parents wouldn’t learn about where I was or why. I’d skipped my last three classes to get here, with Mr. Blackbourne covering for me. I wasn’t sure how late it was. I was worried we were running short on time for me to get back into my neighborhood, preferably before my mother noticed I was late from school.
“Just lay still for a second, Miss Sang,” Dr. Green’s voice filtered through to me in overhead speakers.
It was difficult to be still. The room was cold and the table I was on rattled with the movement of the MRI machine. I was naked, except for the thin gown around me. I knew Luke, Gabriel, Victor, Nathan, and Kota were probably watching from the same room Dr. Green was sitting in.
I shifted my head to the side, trying to glimpse into the glass window where I knew they were standing, but from my position, and the glare of the fluorescent lights overhead, I couldn’t see their faces.
“I said be still, Miss Sang. You can talk if you want, but don’t move.”
“You might want to listen to him, Miss Sorenson,” said the disembodied voice of Dr. Philip Roberts. I’d met him briefly before they chased me into the MRI room. He was from the Academy, I knew, with white hair and age-spotted cheeks. He was Dr. Green’s mentor and supervisor for Dr. Green’s internship and residency. I liked him immediately. “If you move, it takes longer. We might have to start over.”
“It’s cold,” I said, shivering.
Kota’s voice cut through. “Didn’t you wear shorts and that pink shirt to school today?”
I blinked, and worried if blinking counted as moving. “Yes.”
“Why’d you take those off? They didn’t have any metal. You could have worn them. It probably would have been a little warmer than the gown.”
My mouth popped open. “Luke!”
There was snickering in the background from both Luke and Gabriel.
“I hate you both right now,” I said.
“Oy, Trouble. You’ve got to have the full hospital experience.”
“Yeah, Sang,” Luke said. “Rite of passage.”
I grumbled. Earlier, it sounded reasonable when they told me I just had to put the gown on. After all, I was in a hospital and about to go into a very large machine. Medical dramas on television always showed people in the gowns. I’d never been to the doctor before. How was I supposed to know?
Victor’s sweet baritone voice sounded through the speakers. “Do you want a blanket?”
“She can’t have one now,” Kota said. “She’s in the middle of the MRI.”
“We can start it over,” Victor said. “She said she’s cold.”
“She’s tough. She can take it. Can’t you, Sang?”
I sighed. “Maybe.” I knew I could, I just wanted to grumble. It distracted me from the loud machine and moving parts around me. They were kind of scary.
“This machine costs an arm and a leg just to push the ‘go’ button,” Dr. Roberts said.
“I’ll pay for it,” Victor said.
“We’ve already started,” Kota said. “Let her finish. She’ll be fine.”
There was a softly spoken protest from Victor but he quieted.
I swallowed back my complaints. I thought of North and Silas, who were probably getting ready for football practice out in ninety degree weather. They’d probably love to relax in a cool room right now.
Nathan spoke, “Your ankle doesn’t hurt, does it?”
“No worse than usual,” I said, although his question caused me to focus on my foot. After Friday Fall and I’d jumped from the second floor to the first, I’d ended up with what Dr. Green thought at first was a sprained ankle. It’d been a couple of weeks and I was still limping, despite applying ice packs and the boys berating me to sit down and rest it. I couldn’t hide my pain walking through school and Dr. Green insisted on bringing me in for an MRI, since the first X-ray didn’t show a broken bone.
“Give me a few more minutes,” Dr. Roberts said. “We’ll find out what’s bothering you.”
“It’s probably nothing,” I insisted, like I’d done for weeks. “If it isn’t broken, there isn’t much else that will fix it besides resting it, right?”
“Will you let us doctors do the doctoring here, please?” Dr. Roberts asked. “She’s a miss smarty-pants, isn’t she?”
Gabriel chuckled. “If I hadn’t already nicknamed her Trouble, I probably would have gone with Smart Ass. Or Pretty Ass. I can’t decide.”
“Ugh,” I said, grateful the MRI machine was hiding my blushing.
H idden B ruises
What felt like eons later, I was able to get up, and get redressed. I found Luke and Gabriel and Nathan in a waiting area. They were still wearing their faux school uniforms, although they’d all shed the blazers. Luke’s white button up shirt was undone halfway down his chest. Gabriel had removed the white shirt, wearing just a ribbed tank undershirt. Nathan was wearing a white t-shirt. I thought their uniforms looked good on them, but hated that those uniforms also made them targets at school.
Luke noticed me first and whistled a catcall.
I huffed. I put my lips together and blew, only getting empty air and a raspberry at the end.
“Your whistle broken?” Nathan asked.
“Never had one,” I said. “I can’t whistle.”
“Sure you can,” Gabriel said. “Put your lips together.”
I did.
“Now blow through them.”
I blew a raspberry.
Gabriel snickered. “Guess you can’t. Come sit by us, Sang.” Gabriel patted the empty chair between him and Luke.
“No,” I said, tucking myself next to Nathan in a loveseat across from where they sat. Nathan was buried in his phone, punching in a message. He hooked one hand under my thighs, scooting me around until my knees were over his legs so I could prop up my sore ankle. They’d all done similar when they could, and it no longer fazed me that I was practically sitting in his lap this way.
“We were just teasing you,” Luke said. “Besides, it was cute.”
“Not really worried about what you’ve already done. It’s what you might do,” I said. It was difficult to smother my smile, though.
“She’s on to you, Luke,” Nathan said, finishing his message and putting the phone down. He sat back, his elbows propped up on the low seat cushion behind him. This caused his chest to flex out, and the white t-shirt he was wearing did little to hide the defined muscles. “The only reason she hasn’t gotten you back is because she’s nice.”
“Or maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just waiting for the perfect moment.” I widened my eyes to emphasis my threat.
“Ah ha,” Gabriel said, pointing a lean finger at Luke’s brown eyes. “Trouble’s gonna get you.”
My chest started buzzing. I blushed, ducking my hand into the cup of my bra to pull out my phone. North was calling.
I was hitting the button to answer when Luke, Gabriel and Nathan started giggling at me.
“Hello?” I answered, my voice wavering.
“What’s wrong with you?” North asked.
“We don’t know yet. They’re looking over the MRI now.”
“No, I mean, why do you sound weird? What’s wrong?”
I should have suspected. Ever since the fight, the guys had been more aware of every little thing. I couldn’t sneeze without them asking if I had a cold. I glanced at Nathan, narrowing my eyes. “The guys are laughing at me.”
“Why?”
“Because I had the phone in my bra.”
North chuckled. “Sang Baby, don’t you have pockets?”
“A lot of the skirts I wear don’t.”
“You were wearing shorts today.”
I blushed again. Nathan’s bemused smile was teasing as he listened in, and he was brushing his fingertips along the top of my knee. It was almost distracting me from what to say to North next. “
It’s a habit. I’ll put it in my pocket.”
“You don’t want perverts watching you messing with your bra. You get too much attention already.”
“How’s practice?” I asked him, wanting to stop talking about my bra.
“Hot. I hate this kind of stuff,” he said. “How was the MRI?”
“Cold. It rattled. Luke made me wear a hospital gown when I didn’t have to.”
Luke’s eyes widened. “Traitor!”
North grunted in the phone. “I’ll give him a good thumping later if you want.”
“Don’t for a while. Make him sweat it out.”
Nathan laughed next to me. “You’re mean. Remind me not to cross you.”
I got off the phone with North, tucking my phone into my back pocket this time. I made sure my blouse hung over far enough to where when I did stand, the phone wouldn’t be seen. The guys knew I had it, but my mother could never learn about it. I didn’t want to forget where it was and get caught with it.
Kota appeared from a door down the hallway. From behind him emerged Victor, Dr. Green and Dr. Roberts.
Luke and Gabriel stood up to address them. I was about to do the same, but Nathan held on to my thighs, shaking his head. “Nope. You sit,” he said.
When the others got close, they pulled chairs away from the walls and clustered them around the loveseat Nathan and I sat in together. This made the fact that I was nearly sitting in his lap a little more embarrassing. I tried to sit up to at least create some semblance of professionalism like they were showing.
“Well the good news is, it isn’t broken,” Dr. Roberts started, winking at me. “No casts for you.”
“What’s the bad news?” I asked, my eyes flitting from Kota to Victor and the doctors. “Don’t tell me you have to cut it off.”
I’d said it since I was nervous, but I regretted making the joke after, because they all started laughing, leaving me hanging longer for an answer until they recovered.