“Would your sister say you were here?” Kota asked, pushing his glasses up on his face again even after they were already adjusted. I had the feeling it was what he did when he was thinking.
“Maybe,” I said. “It might require negotiations.” They all looked confused and I waved my hand to them, taking my schedule and putting it in my pocket. “I have to go calm the waters. I might not be back today.”
“Be careful,” Silas said. He squeezed my hand again before letting go. The others looked like they wanted to say something but no one did. North was sitting up on the couch, his hands clenched. Nathan stared at the floor. Gabriel, Luke and Victor glanced between Kota and I,
as if waiting for either of us to tell them what to do.
Kota walked with me to the door and the others stayed behind. I wanted to say something more to them but there wasn’t much else to say. This was far beyond what I was prepared to handle at the moment.
Outside, Marie was sweating while she waited on the steps. Her hands were in her jean pockets and she was looking impatient. I stepped out onto the porch. Kota had his hand gently rubbing at my back on the way out and pulled it away before Marie could catch it. The instant his hand moved, I felt at a loss. His touch was helping me to feel brave.
I stepped away from the door and gave Kota a small wave. He waved back, looking sympathetic. He said nothing but gave me a look that for once I understood. He wanted word from me the moment I could find a way.
“Mom wants you to go home,” Marie said after Kota closed the front door. “She’s been asking for you for a couple of hours now.”
“How did you know I was here?”
“I took a guess,” she said.
I was fuming inside, angry at myself for being so reckless. She must have seen me from the house. “Does mom know I was here?”
Marie shrugged. That didn’t mean she didn’t know. It was her way of saying she wasn’t going to tell me. This was bad. If Marie had gotten into trouble with something, she could have used her knowledge of where I was to try to get herself out of a punishment. It often worked.
We got back to the house and entered through the side garage door. As soon as we were standing in the living room, I heard my mom’s voice ringing through the house.
“Sang! Come here now!” The anger and power radiated through her tone and it felt like the house was shaking around me. It was all I needed to hear. She knew everything.
Marie filed off past me and headed toward the stairs. She was getting out of the way. I was going to face this part alone.
M isery L oves
I huddled in the doorway of my parents’ bedroom. It was colder than the rest of the house. A chill claimed my spine, despite coming in from the hot of the day. “Oh, were you calling?” I said, trying to sound surprised.
“Come in here and close the door,” she said with a cool severity that made my bones rattle. My mom was sitting up in her large four poster bed. Her head was propped up on three plump pillows. Her face was flushed and her eyes blazed.
Death would have been gentler.
I swallowed and tried to still my heart. There was nothing she could really do to me. She would yell at me, or make me sit on my knees for a few hours, or make me drink vinegar again and take my voice. I knew it wouldn’t keep me away from Kota and the others.
I closed the door and stepped further into the room. I used the cherry wood post from her bed to stand behind, letting it partially shield me. It was as close as I dared to go.
“Where have you been this morning?” she asked, each word spoken with precision and with that same suppressed rage.
“I was here.”
“No you weren’t.” The words flew from her mouth. “You’ve been gone for hours.”
“I was on the front porch.”
“Your sister had to walk by herself up to a man’s house,” she spat. “How dare you leave here without permission.”
I cringed. “I didn’t go in for him,” I said quickly, coming up with something that could be easier for her to take. “There’s a girl.”
“Who?”
“Jessica,” I said, thinking of Kota’s sister. “She was there and she asked me to come in. We were talking about school.”
“I do not care what you were talking about,” she said, her eyes drifted to the television on a dresser across the room. The news was on but the sound was muted. My mother shifted, sitting up further on the bed. Here it comes. “There were men at that house, too.”
“I wasn’t talking to them,” I insisted. How did she know there were multiple? Or was she just assuming? Lying wasn’t my strong suit as it was but over the years it had become a necessity. I needed this to work now.
“They were there!” She shouted. “You deliberately broke the rules. I won’t allow my daughter to run around like a whore in this neighborhood. You could have been raped.”
“They won’t rape people,” I said. “You think everyone will do that.”
“It happens all the time!” Her voice rose. She pointed to the television. “Everyday someone is raped or killed. You could have humiliated this family. I’ve done all this work to keep you in this house and you just waltz out there not even thinking about what we would have to go through if something happened to you.”
“But,” I gasped. My knees started shaking and my voice cracked. Why did she have to sound like she was more worried about what she would have to go through than for my safety? It was bad enough that she constantly reminded us of terrible things. Was she more worried about us or exposing herself?
“There’s no excuse.” Her hands clenched into fists, gripping at the edge of her worn green blanket. “I’ve told you over and over again not to go into a strange place where I haven’t met...”
The words slipped from my lips before I could stop them. “You can’t meet any of them if you never leave your room.”
“I don’t need to. I’m telling you not to leave this yard. Don’t step a toe out of this house unless you have my explicit instructions to do so. I don’t care if the house is on fire. Not a toe. Not a hair. You’re probably lucky you haven’t been kidnapped. I’ve seen the boys in this neighborhood walking by the house. First they trick you into going home with them, and the next minute you’re tied up in the closet. Men are horrible, disgusting and they’ll trick you if they can.”
“What do I have to do, mom?” I asked. Tears filled my eyes and I swallowed thickly. I hadn’t meant to start this. I wanted only to get myself through her yelling so I could get up to my room. I couldn’t stand to hear her say such nasty things about Kota and the others. I may not have known them long, but I knew in my heart they wouldn’t hurt me. “We’re not allowed to invite people over so you can meet them. We can’t get you to go see anyone because you won’t go see anyone you don’t know. There are nice people out there.”
“You don’t know--”
“How could I? We’re prisoners here!”
“Stop it!” she screamed. She slapped her hand against the bed. “I won’t have you yelling at me and telling me what to do. I’m the mother. I’m in charge. You’ll do as I say.” She pounded her hand against the bed repeatedly with every point she made. She heaved herself to stand up, her breath ragged as if she’d been running. She marched to the door of her bedroom. “Follow me.”
I trailed behind her. She stopped in the foyer, her bare feet smacking against the hard wood. Here it was. I would be spending hours on my knees again. I could deal with that.
“Stand right there and don’t move,” she said, pointing to the floor. She disappeared down the hallway. I flexed my knees in preparation, wondering what she was doing. Why didn’t she ask me to kneel?
She came back from the kitchen with a bag of rice in her hands. I was confused. Did she expect me to eat it?
She opened the bag and she sprinkled the rice on to the floor near the corner. “Now, kneel on the rice.”
What was this? Out of habit over the years, I sank to my knees. The rice bit into my skin as I knelt against the ground. I understood then. It was much worse than a bare floor. Each grain felt like a tiny cut, only it didn’t break the skin. I performed a kowtow, trying to look humble.
“Stay,” she spat at me. “Don’t you move or breathe or even think. When your father gets home, we’ll discuss an appropriate punishment.”
I turned my face from her to stare off at the bare, white-painted walls.
“I can’t believe you would start this right before school.” Her voice came down from her screeching, turning into a seething smolder of disgust. “It’s hard enough on me. Now I have to deal with you.”
I bit my tongue. Nothing I could say woul
d help. I swallowed back tears. I wouldn’t allow her to make me cry over this. My knees hurt, and every moment I was on that rice, it felt like near glass cutting into my skin. I would take it, though. She couldn’t keep me there forever.
The boys never needed to know about this. They wouldn’t let me come over if they knew this would happen every time. There was no way I could prove to her that the boys were nice. I would forever have to sneak around. I simply had to be more cautious when I did. If I planned it carefully enough, I was sure I could almost disappear from this house and they would never miss me. Invisible, inside and out.
And I could never tell the guys what she said. Despite it all, I was protecting them from her. I was protecting her from them, too. What she didn’t know wouldn’t make her so angry. She could live in her small world. I would keep her from mine.
Hours passed before my mother left her room to go to the kitchen and found me still kneeling on the floor. She blinked at me, as if she’d forgotten why I was there and ordered me to my room.
I wobbled back upstairs. It wasn’t the longest amount of time I’d spent on my knees, but it was one of the most painful. My knees were bruised as I had spent a lot of time readjusting myself on the floor to try to ease the bite from the rice. I flicked out the rice embedded into my skin in the upstairs bathroom, collecting them to toss them into the trash.
Back in my room, I collapsed onto my bed. I flexed my legs, stretching the stiff muscles. I turned up the volume on the stereo to drown out the noises my mom made from the kitchen. When I felt I could, I crossed the room to look out at Kota’s house, noting the cars parked out front. I was glad they were all still there. I thought of running back but couldn’t stand the thought of letting them see my knees and asking questions. I wasn’t sure how I would hide it tomorrow for school.
A familiar buzzing noise came from the half-size attic door. I smiled. Despite everything, I still had the secret phone the boys had gotten for me.