"Then don't."
"No. Get it out. Make sure you understand. However awkward this is."
We rounded the next curve in the path before he continued, "Don't do relationships. Don't date. One night? Yeah." He paused. "Even that? Been a while. Getting older. Too much hassle."
He steered me around a patch of mud. "Probably more than you want to know. More than I should say. Just proof that I don't know shit about doing this right. Point is, I'm going to fuck up." He paused. "Don't mean screw around. Wouldn't do that. Mean in general. Last time I dated? High school. And, as I've said, I dropped out after two years. So . . ." A sigh. "Fuck. That's embarrassing."
I laughed. "I didn't expect you'd have a string of girlfriends across the country. Too much work and too much risk. I'm not exactly an expert in the field myself, as my disaster with Quinn might suggest. I've been engaged, as you know. When that ended and the Wayne Franco thing blew up--at the same time--I backed out of the dating scene. So I have no expectations, Jack. I wouldn't anyway. That's not how I am."
"I know. Just wanted you to understand. Don't have to worry you'll find out. Which brings up something else. About Quinn."
I must have stiffened, because he looked over quickly. "Not that. Not even Quinn really. About you two." He paused. "No, not you two. Like that. Just . . . Fuck."
"Tell me what you want to say, Jack."
"You mentioned expectations. Want to talk about that. Different expectations. Awkward conversation, though. We just get together and I say, here's what I expect? Like I've got a right to expect anything."
"You do," I said, looking over at him. "It's not as if we just met, and you're right--even if it seems early to be laying out expectations, it doesn't take long before it's too late, and both parties are headed down very different paths."
"Yeah."
We reached a fork in the trail. I thought that's what stopped Jack from continuing, but even after we started down one, he said nothing.
"Do you want me to go first?" I asked.
"No. Got this. What do I expect? No, not expect. Want. Anything you don't--"
"Jack, stop qualifying. You're only going to make the conversation longer and I'm sure you've had enough of it already."
A short laugh. "Yeah. All right. I want a relationship. A committed relationship. Marriage? Can't offer that. Legally? The guy I was? John Daly? Long gone. Presumed dead. Can't come back. Ever. Otherwise? Got three surnames. Don't consider any of them mine. None are legal. It's just Jack. Can't marry like that. Kids? Never considered it. No real opinion on it. You wanted one? We could figure something out. Wouldn't be easy, though. My past. My identity. Makes everything tough."
"I don't want children, Jack. And I don't need a wedding band to be in a committed relationship."
"All right. Good. Not that I expect . . . Fuck. Been two days. I'm already talking about that."
"You're talking about long-term possibilities and laying out the issues, which I'm absolutely fine with." I glanced at him. "Just as I'm fine with a scenario where someday those would be questions we had to consider."
"Good. All right. So that's what I can't do. What I want to do?" Three more steps. Then he turned, his hands going to my hips, stopping me and holding me there as he looked me in the eye. "You know I'm tired of the job, Nadia. Not ready to get out. But ready to start moving that way. I want something else. Something more. Something with you."
I pressed my lips to his and murmured, "Good."
He exhaled and kissed me back, and I could taste the relief in his kiss. He was right. This was difficult, putting ourselves out there for rejection, admitting what we wanted. Hell, after three years of not even daring
to say that I expected to see him again, there was a part of me that was terrified of even admitting I wanted more than a fling. But he did. And that was, as I said, good.
"So you're fine with that?" Jack said as he pulled back. "Me spending more time at the lodge? Maybe staying? Between jobs?"
"I am absolutely fine with it. I'll just need to strike the right balance between taking advantage of having an extra pair of hands around the place and not giving you so much work that you're scouring the papers, looking for someone to kill, so you can get a break."
He laughed. "Wouldn't happen. I like keeping busy. I just . . . I want to be sure it's all right. That's your place. Your personal place. And I know you never brought . . ."
He trailed off before saying Quinn's name.
I nodded. "I kept telling myself that I was just waiting for the right time to introduce him, but I don't think that was it. It was . . . it was different. You've been honest, so I'm going to take the same chance, even if it doesn't exactly reflect well on me." I looked up at him. "I was with Quinn because there was no reason not to be. We got along. I liked him as a friend. The guy I really wanted to be with wasn't showing any signs that he felt the same. So I settled for what I could get."
"I'm sorry."
"You don't need to be sor--"