Which was a lie. Perhaps the biggest he had ever told.
Gabriel was afraid Olivia would leave him. While part of that was Gwynn's old fear, Gabriel needed to admit to himself that there was more to it.
If anyone had dared suggest that he feared abandonment after Seanna's departure, he would have laughed. His mother had never truly been present in his life, and he'd grown up with only the most transient of friends and even more transient lovers. He was not the least bit concerned about losing people. He didn't want them to stay.
Which was the clearest proof that Seanna had left scars. She had raised Gabriel not to form attachments of any kind. Not to care if anyone left. Not to let them get close enough for him to miss them when they disappeared from his life. Better yet, he should leave them first.
Now that he had someone he didn't want to lose? He was terrified.
The problem was that he had no idea how to take the next step, no more than he'd known how to take the first one. He'd tried, but ultimately, the ball had been shunted to Olivia's court.
He couldn't ask her to move in with him. First, that implied giving up her house in Cainsville, which neither of them wanted. Even if he clarified that it did not, the question seemed rather ridiculous.
"I'd like you to move in with me, Olivia. Part-time, of course. When we aren't at your house."
"Uh, isn't that what we're already doing?"
He couldn't even make a symbolic gesture, like giving her his key or his security codes or closet space. They had exchanged keys and codes before they got together. The "guest room" in her house had been his from the moment she'd moved in, and she'd already been keeping toiletries and clothing at his condo for when they worked late together.
How did you start living together when you'd practically been doing so even before you began dating?
It seemed that the only solution was to skip that step and jump to the next. But if they'd never even discussed marriage, he could hardly present her with a diamond ring.
So bring it up. Start there, with the discussion.
I've been thinking.
He opened his mouth to say that...and nothing came out.
I've been thinking.
Just say it.
Olivia turned. "Can I ask you something?"
Gabriel exhaled in relief. "Of course."
She walked to curl up on the other end of the couch. "It's about Seanna."
He tried to hide his reaction, but she saw it and said, "I know, that's the last thing you want to talk about."
Yes. "No, of course not."
"Liar." She tucked her legs under her. "You hate me bringing her up. I hate bringing her up. I'd rather just"--her hands fluttered--"put her in some alternate reality. Like G
race's building really is another dimension. We go in, we talk to Seanna, we leave, and we forget all about it. Poof. She's gone. But it doesn't work like that. She stays in here." Olivia tapped her head. "But mostly," she said, gesturing to his head, "in there."
She met his gaze full on. "I know what's going on, Gabriel. What you're not telling me."
His breath stopped, and his heart hammered, hand tightening around the glass he'd forgotten he was holding.
She knew, and realizing that, he also understood what he'd really been doing as he'd watched her at the window and tried to figure out how to bring up the subject of living together.
Closing the deal.
That's what it was about. Locking her in. Erecting the barriers that would keep Olivia from fleeing if she found out he'd betrayed her trust...again.
I need to tell you something, Olivia.