“Cool means shit, sweetheart.”
“I think I know that now, too.” She smiles a sad smile at me. “The more cooler she seemed, the older she seemed. The more childish I felt, the safer I felt. Same with Mum. Only Mum really couldn’t take care of herself, not around work and all her men trouble. So I had to be a mum to Mum. A mum to her and a silly little sad friend to Kelly Anne, and somewhere it all got messed up.”
“Life can get all messed up, Laine. But we can straighten it out again.”
A tear rolls down her cheek. “I hope so. Because I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I didn’t know what it would feel like to have someone who really loved me. I didn’t know how safe I’d feel with someone who could take care of me.”
“I feel safe too,” I admit. “I feel safe when I believe I have control over a situation. Over you. But I don’t. I don’t have control over you, Laine, and that’s alright. I shouldn’t ever have control over who you are, or what you want to do. I can support you, I can care for you, but not control you.”
She doesn’t look convinced, but I am.
Love has to be free. Alive like a butterfly, not pinned to a mount like the specimens I’ve been keeping for so long.
Jane’s room was the perfect bell jar. Preserved so perfectly, just waiting for me to fill it with another little girl to replace the one I lost.
A second chance at the same dream.
Only no two dreams can ever be the same.
“I love you,” she says. “I really love you. Not because of what you do for me, but because you’re honest and caring and see everything I want to see in myself.”
“I love you too, Laine. Not because you’re my little girl, or because we share some weird kink that nobody else understands. I love you because you have a beautiful soul.”
She smiles so brightly. “I don’t need Kelly Anne anymore.”
I reach for her hand across the table and squeeze. “Jane’s gone,” I tell her. “Louisa, too. And I’m ready to let them rest now, Laine. We’re different.”
“We’re us,” she says. “I want to be us.”
“So do I, sweetheart.”
Her fingers look so small in mine. “So, what now?”
“We go to bed,” I tell her. “Tomorrow is a new day.”
She nods. “I’d like that very much.”LaineI feel like I’ve cried for a lifetime as I wash my face in the bathroom. My cheeks are puffy and my eyes are tired.
But I feel good. Like I’ve dumped a horrible weight.
I guess Kelly Anne’s been nothing but a drain on me for longer than I can remember.
I wonder how different life would have been if I’d have stopped clinging onto her all those years ago. I wonder if I’d have made other friends, lived another life.
I wonder if I’d have grown up.
I feel like I’m growing up now.
And that’s weird. It seems so silly that being cared for as a child was what turned me into a woman.
I smile to myself and Nick smiles back.
“What a day,” he says.
“I’m pooped,” I tell him, and he nods.
“Me too.”
I hold his hand as he steps onto the landing, waiting for him to open Jane’s door like he always does. But not today.
He steps on past, and my heart pounds as he opens a different door. The one to his room.
I’ve barely ever been in there.
He flicks on the bedside light and pulls back the covers for me.
“This is my bed,” he tells me, like it needs explaining. “I’ll clear out some wardrobe space for you in the morning.”
I nod. “Thanks.”
It feels so weird to slip into his grown up sheets. They’re grey. So stylish and grown up.
And soft.
They’re soft, too.
He pulls me close and kisses my hair, and I know he’ll never be Daddy Nick in this place. It just doesn’t fit.
And that feels okay.
It feels just fine.
“Goodnight, Laine,” he says and the words roll off my tongue so easily.
“Goodnight, Nick.”
He squeezes me a little bit tighter, and I know we’re going to be just fine.Chapter Twenty-SevenLaineIt’s strange to wake in such a big bed, but there’s so much more room for stretching out in. I kick out my legs and enjoy the space, and Nick is right beside me with a quiet smile on his face.
“Morning, sleepyhead.”
“Morning, Nick.”
Nick.
It’s going to take some getting used to. How funny, how things change. We’ve been on a rollercoaster, him and I. It climbed so high so fast, and then it tumbled, so scary as the train sped over the drop. But we’re still on the rails, and somehow I think we’ll be climbing even higher this time.
It’s late, I can tell by the light at the window. I take in the surroundings, and it’s nice in here, in his space. I like it.