“How was your flight?” he says, his voice gravelly, harsh. He takes a step back and clears his throat. I watch as he lifts his hand and runs it over the back of his head, his bicep bunching underneath the red plaid shirt he wears .
God, he's so big, so muscular. But working on a farm your whole life will bulk you up that way .
I nod and glance away, my cheeks feeling hot. I know I'm blushing, and wonder if he notices I am staring at his body. I clear my throat before looking back at him. “It was good .”
“You're probably hungry and tired,” he says and I stare into his blue eyes .
So many times I've thought about the dirty, inappropriate things I wanted Carson to do to me. I should feel ashamed, given the fact that he looked after me when my dad died. But the truth is I never saw him as a guardian, never saw him as a parental figure. Even before I knew what attraction and love was I knew there was something more I felt for Carson. I just didn't know what it was until later on in life, until we lived under the same roof and I felt my feelings for him grow to something womanly .
I may have graduated, but I still don't know what the hell I am going to do with my life. I haven't even told Carson that my plane ticket is one way. I no longer live in the dorm, no longer have connections to the university that will keep me there. Sure, I made friends along the way, even went on a few dates, but I have nothing substantial back there .
The only thing I want, the only person I want to spend time with, to be around, stands right in front of me. I just need to know, to understand and realize, that I will never have the courage to admit it to him. I’m too afraid of losing him .
Which brings me to the decision I’ve made. I promised myself when I came back to the farm that I would finally move on with my life. I’ve had feelings for Carson forever, but I can’t continue to build dreams around a man who more than likely will only see me as his best friend’s little girl—his ward…another responsibility in his life .
I have to move on. I have to begin building a life without Carson being the focal point. It’s not going to be easy, but I don’t really have a choice. I want to keep Carson in my life and if he knew the feelings I have for him, what I want from him, it would ruin our relationship forever .
I can’t let that happen .
Chapter 3
Carson
I t feels so damned good to have Jenny back. Just having her riding in this old truck beside me soothes me in ways nothing else can .
“You look good, Jen,” I tell her before I can think better of it. I was supposed to play it cool, but as always with Jen, I react first, think later .
“No one looks good after spending the day flying and catching a layover, Carson,” she laughs, her face coloring in either embarrassment or shyness. I can never be sure of which with Jenny, I just love that she still blushes. I’ve always been a throwback in this world, set in my ways and liking the past much more than the morality and people in the present. I feel like I should have been born in a time when a man claimed his woman and he kept her and devoted everything he did to her. It’s not a popular way of thinking now. I get it .
Women want equality and to prove they can do any job a man can do. I’m not saying they can’t. Fuck, most of the women I know are capable of doing things better. I’m saying that if a man is any kind of a man, he busts his ass so his woman doesn’t have to work, doesn’t have to do anything…but have babies .
And just like that, my mind has drifts off into dangerous territory. What would Jenny say if she knew that I want her barefoot and pregnant with my children? A better man would probably warn her that I’m bringing her home and making sure she never leaves… And maybe I will tell her—after her stomach is stretched with my child .
That’s my plan and it’s only cemented since Jenny walked up to me at the airport. The time for waiting is over. All I need is time. That’s it. I have to make myself move slowly. I don’t want to spook her and have her leave. First I need to make sure she gets settled back into the farm. I want her to relax and realize that this ranch is her home too—that I’m her home. The next part of the plan is a little more complicated. I need to make sure she starts seeing me as a man…but not just any man .