But the fact is, even if I could form some kind of bond with Draven, I never could with Maria. She'd get hurt. I wouldn't be able to stand it. It's a damn pattern with me. I won't love her, she's safer if I don't.
“You are the best brother anyone could ask for, nothing will ever change between us, Hammer, nothing. You can have a relationship with them, I will still be here, big brother.”
“I didn't expect you to react this way, Tank. When did you become so understanding?”
He laughs. “Always, you prick! But the truth is, I started looking at things a lot differently the day Ember came into my life.”
I scrub my hands over my tired face. “Why the hell should I give them a chance? I like my life the way it is, I ain't got room for nothing else.”
“That's bullshit and you know it! Is this what I should have said? I can't take Ember on because I like my life the way it is?”
“Of course not.”
“Then don't think that way about people who share your blood. Yes, Vidal is a vile cunt who cares for nothing, will kill you soon as look at you. But what he does care about is his family. Maria, Avery, you. I betcha anything Willow is included in that, and that baby inside of her. And you know what that means?”
I shrug.
“It means nothing can happen to her or your baby. Any man so much as looks at her and Vidal will kill them. He's untouchable, Hammer. He is literally untouchable. Anyone comes for you, for us, Vidal will deal with them, just like he's dealing with the shit storm happening right now.”
He has a point, even if it is using Draven for my own gains.
But why the hell shouldn't I? He has everything and everyone under his control, cops, judges, politicians. You name it, they work for him. Even if it's not always willingly. Money and power talk.
It wouldn't hurt me or the club to have him on side. If he was, we'd be just as untouchable.
“You're right, little brother.”
“I ain't the only one who's a little brother anymore.” He smirks, makes me laugh. God knows I don't laugh enough.
“Thanks, man. For everything.”
“Ain't nothing to thank me for, big brother.”
There's a lot to thank you for, Tank. More than you know.
Chapter Nineteen
Willow
I wish I could say things have gotten back to normal over the past week. I wish I could say my man wasn't out there fighting the people who threatened us, but I can't. Yes, we may be back home now, because Dad believes we're safe enough thanks to Draven Vidal and his help, but I'm still living alone in the house I shared with Jordan. I guess Hammer still stays at the clubhouse because he certainly doesn't stay here with me.
I feel like I've lost him already. He said he wanted to marry me, to be a father to our baby, but now I feel like he only said it for the sake of saying it.
I know I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, I'm sure he's busy with club business, helping his newfound brother deal with things, but it doesn't stop me feeling abandoned.
It's crazy. Sam Marshall, brother of Don Draven Vidal. I still can't get my head around it.
I suppose it means we're now under Draven's protection, but I'm not sure my dad likes that. He's always prided himself on taking care of his own business, the club, his family. He'll just have to get used to it. Now that Draven knows Hammer is his brother, there's no way he'll ever not look out for him. Even if Hammer tells him that he doesn't need or want it, Draven will still look out for him from afar.
I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, about Cindy mainly. I miss her so much. I miss the talks we used to have, the nights we'd spend watching movies while covering our faces in crap and relaxing, laughing at anything and everything.
Aren't young women supposed to go out almost every night and drink themselves stupid?
I've never been that girl.
Don't get me wrong, I used to go out dancing and having fun with my friends, I wasn't a total bore. But I'd be a liar if I said I didn't prefer to stay at home. It's not like I've ever really been a big drinker. I know you don't need alcohol to have a good time, but it sure helps.
I don't think this guilt is ever going to go away, nor will the feeling that I'm a poor substitute for my best friend.
How ridiculous is that?
But what my dad said about Cindy walking through the door and Hammer dropping me even if it meant he'd get just one more minute with Cindy has stuck in my head.
I don't want it there, the thought is horrible. But since we found out about the baby, it seems Hammer can't bear to be near me. I know I've been ill, but I'm fine now. He hasn't touched me since before I was sick, not even to kiss my cheek.
He calls me every day to see how I am, tells me he loves me before he hangs up, even pops by in the evening after I finish work, but he doesn't stay more than half an hour. There's always somewhere he has to be. Somewhere I'm not.
I think it's worse tonight because we argued.
Can you believe that?
Hammer and I argued.
I asked him why he wouldn't stay here with me.
His excuse, ‘I have things to do Willow.’
So I asked, ‘What's so important that you can't spend one night with me? You haven't in almost two weeks.’
His response, ‘You knew what it meant being with me, Will. Hell, you've spent your life around bikers, you know full well we're hardly home.’ Which is bullshit. My dad was home every night unless something big was going down, so I didn't buy it.
I said something that made him yell. Something silly, something I don't even remember now. But I won't be spoken to or yelled at like I'm nothing!
So I gave him a piece of my mind. We yelled back and forth. I screamed how he's avoiding me because of the baby, that if he doesn't want to be a father, then he should just leave.
I shouldn't have said it, but I was angry. It seemed he was deliberately trying to piss me off.
His reply was the last thing I expected. ‘Jesus Christ! I never got this shit from Cindy, at least she knew what being with me meant! She knew how to support me when I needed it. She didn't stand around yellin' her head off like a spoiled child!’
It hurt me so much. It just cemented in my mind what my dad said. Hammer would walk away from me in a heartbeat if Cindy walked through that door.
‘Baby, I didn't mean that.’ He looked mortified with himself, but he'd said it and there was no taking it back.
He reached out to grab my hand. I held mine up and backed away from him. ‘Yes, you did,’ I told him. ‘You meant it, and I know now that I will never mean as much to you as she did.’
‘That's not true, Will. I love you. I love you so much.’
‘Maybe,’ I smiled slightly. I was done fighting. ‘But the fact remains that you're still in love with Cindy, and nothing you say now will ever convince me otherwise.’
He stood there shaking his head, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.
‘I love you, Sam. I have always loved you. I loved Cindy, she was my best friend. I miss her every day, and I know you do too. I would never ask you to forget what she meant to you or how much you loved her. But I won't play second best to a woman who is no longer here.’