I can see little details. She has on a pink knit cap and what looks like a hand-knitted little sweater. Even though it will get up to almost seventy today as the high, it’s still a little nippy right now for a newborn. Pepper made sure I got warm clothes when we went shopping yesterday.
Louise straightens with Charlie in her arms and turns to face me. My breath freezes as I take in the details I just hadn’t noticed before. Like how soft her skin looks, or how tiny those little fingers are. I can’t tell who she looks like—me or Lida or a combination of both. Her facial features just don’t have enough distinction for me to tell yet, but all I know is she’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.
Louise moves to me to hand her off, and I get struck with a case of nerves because she’s so tiny and surely, I’ll break her.
“Just make sure to use a hand to support her head when you take her and then settle her into the crook of your arm,” Louise instructs and I do exactly as she says. Charlie doesn’t even stir, remaining sound asleep. Her little lips are open slightly and a tiny bubble blows out.
“Wow,” I murmur as I look down at her, and my cheeks ache as I don’t think I’ve ever smiled like this—so big—in my entire life.
“I’ve got some paperwork we’ll need to get signed,” Louise says brusquely. “How about we go inside to handle that.”
“Sounds good,” I reply but I’m really only half aware of what she just said. I’m still too enraptured by this tiny little creature in my hands that I helped create.
Am I still scared?
Fuck yes….This is the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me in my life and I don’t want to fuck my kid up.
But something happened when she placed Charlie in my arms. I felt a shift inside of me. Things rearranged inside my heart, things that were once my main priorities got moved aside, and there was this big cavern, open and waiting.
And it immediately filled up with this unexplainable love I have for this baby that feels so foreign and unique. In my entire life, I’ve never cared about anything the way I care for Charlie in this moment. Not my parents and not even hockey.
My world just got narrowed down to this eight-pound bundle of wonderment in my arms and I am a different person as of now.* * *—
“You’re a pro,” Pepper whispers to me as I stand at the crib, hands on the railing, and look down at Charlie as she sleeps.
We’ve had an eventful morning. Charlie woke up not long after we went into the house and Pepper held her while I went over the paperwork with Louise. I had to sign an acknowledgment of paternity and a release to the Department of Child Safety, and I was handed an emergency order issued by a local judge giving me full parental custody. It could be challenged if Lida ever shows up, but at least this prevents her from walking in and taking Charlie if she were so inclined. I’m doubting that would ever happen, given the secretive way in which she dumped our child on my doorstep.
After Louise left, I changed Charlie’s wet diaper with coaching from Pepper. I then fed her a bottle that I carefully prepared. I had my first lesson in the circle of digestion because after she ate, she crapped her diaper and I had to change that as well as her clothes because there was some leakage. I’m proud I only gagged a few times and didn’t come close to vomiting. It’s by far my least favorite thing about my daughter.
Now she’s asleep and I’ve learned through reading as well as Pepper’s advice that Charlie will sleep a lot at this stage of her life. Maybe even up to twenty hours a day.
As I put her down for a nap in her crib, I prepared myself for the fact that she’d probably wake up in a few hours and need to be fed again. She’d get tired and fall asleep again. It’s nothing but a cycle at this age as they sleep and eat and grow.
I glance down at my watch. It’s almost noon and I’m hungry. My nanny interviews start at two P.M.
I open my mouth to tell Pepper we should head out to get something to eat, then it hits me just as suddenly that I can’t do that. I’m actually chained to this house right now. Or rather, I’m chained to the baby. I could take her out with us, but I think she’s better off resting right now.
So instead, I twist my neck to look at her as she stands by my side. “You hungry?”