Exactly in that order.
I hope to fuck this isn’t the alcohol talking and that I actually have the balls to enact this plan when I’m sober.Chapter 27BlueTrudging up to the front door of the Cresson, I make some mental calculations on how to best parcel out my time today. I was able to pick up a two-day charter flight to San Francisco that leaves tonight and I most definitely have to do laundry. It’s been just over a week since I was supposed to do my laundry at Erik’s house and I still haven’t been motivated to do it. But I used my last pair of clean panties today so it’s either that or go to the store and buy new clothes, which is a terrible waste of money that I can’t afford.
I decide after I visit Billy for a few hours, I’ll hit up the laundromat. My basket of clothes has been sitting in the backseat of my car. After spending most of the day at the hospital with Billy, I took the early evening to go to Erik’s house. Letting myself in with the key he’d given me, I removed all of my possessions that had been left there, including my dirty clothes. I was still riding high on the righteous indignation that had been born out of tremendous guilt.
The formula was really quite simple.
I was horribly ashamed I let Billy down once again so I let myself blame Erik for talking me into ignoring that call. I held onto that anger for only about two days, which was right around the time Billy decided to start talking to me again. During that two days, I ignored communications from Erik because it was often easier to direct the anger toward him than at myself.
But I still always held the guilt close to me, and a lot of that had to do with dumping Erik the way I did. I still think it was the right decision, because ultimately I did it so as to not have to choose between the two men that I love.
And yes…I love Erik.
But he deserves better than someone like me. Erik has the biggest, kindest heart I know, and I know this because he would—without grudge or hesitation—let me put him lower on the totem pole. He’d gladly take a backseat for me, so I could maintain my own sense of accomplishment with my brother.
He absolutely doesn’t deserve that from a woman.
Which is all moot. I’m quite sure Erik probably hates me and he would have every right to do so. I was so unfair to him the way I ended things. I didn’t give him a chance to defend himself. When he reached out by texting that very night from Calgary, I ignored it, mostly fearful he’d talk his way back into my life again. Same reason I ignored his calls. And last week…when I was angry…that seemed like another betrayal to Billy.
Ugh…it’s all so complicated.
I pull the door open a little too hard, but make myself smile at Helen. She purses her lips and glares at me, which isn’t exactly fair. Granted, she thinks Erik walks on water and all that, but I don’t deserve her wrath. She’s been that way the last three days when she asked where Erik was and how come he hadn’t been by to visit Billy.
When I informed her we’d broken up, she stood up from behind her desk, put her hands on her hips and asked, “Why?”
I was so stunned by her nosiness, I didn’t think to lie. I merely replied, “Because I felt it was best we not see each other anymore.”
Since then, I haven’t seen a smile from her.
I ignore it, though, and head to the elevator, intent on making the most of my time with Billy since I’ll be gone for a couple days on this charter job. If Erik knew I was taking jobs from there again, he’d be pissed. But I have no choice. I had to quit working for the Vengeance because there was absolutely no way I could work in close proximity to him again. So until I can find something more permanent, I’m going to have to take as many charters as I can and live frugally on some of the savings from mom’s life insurance until my father’s comes in.
When I exit the elevator and move toward Billy’s room, I’m surprised to hear a male voice coming from inside. It’s deep and calm, although I can’t make out the words through the half-open door.
I step inside and come to a dead halt, surprised to see Tacker sitting in one of the two guest chairs positioned between a square table. He’s leaning casually into his seat with one ankle propped on a knee. His gaze slides to me and he lifts his chin in greeting. Billy’s sitting in his motorized chair pulled up to the table, hovered over a puzzle. He loves doing them and it helps with his fine motor skills.