Josie picked up on the third ring. “Now’s not a good time, Web. I’m about to go on an interview—”
“How could you do this? To Katie? To me!” I shouted into the phone, not caring that Adam would have my head for going against his instructions.
I was answered with silence. I could hear her breathing, but she didn’t say a word.
“You left, Jos. You snuck out of the house in the middle of the night and left. You left Katie when she was six months old!” I couldn’t stop myself. I had never been so furious. So frightened.
That’s what this was. One hundred percent terror.
“I’ve raised her every day since then. By. My. Self. Do you get that? You’ve never paid a cent toward Katie’s care. I’ve never asked you to either because I knew you were going through stuff. And I love her more than anything. I would burn this world down for her, you included. Don’t forget that.” My chest was heaving as I tried to breathe through the pain. Through the anguish. I wouldn’t let anyone take my little girl. It wasn’t going to happen.
“Web, I know, and I’m so appreciative of everything you’ve done,” Josie finally said softly.
“I don’t need your appreciation, Josie! I’m her fucking father!”
“And I'm her mother, and I know I haven’t been there for her—for either of you—but I’m ready to change that. I want my baby.” I could tell by the way her voice trembled that she was crying. Josie could always put on the waterworks at the drop of a hat. I wondered, not for the first time, if there wasn’t a bit of manipulation in it. I could be really naive when it came to my trust in people, unfortunately.
“What about what’s best for Katie? Have you even thought about that? You’re talking about moving her to a state she’s never been to. To live with people she doesn’t know! Her family is here, Josie!” I wiped tears away with my hand. I wouldn’t cry. That wouldn’t solve shit.
“Her family is here too, Web. Her mother is here! Doesn’t she need me?” Josie was full-on crying now, and at one time, I would have felt bad, but not anymore. She lost that right when she filed paperwork to take Katie.
“If you wanted to be in her life, Jos, you only had to talk to me. We’d work something out. I could fly her down in the summer, or you could come up here and stay for a week or two.” I changed tactics. Going for nice rather than aggressive, knowing you could attract more flies with honey than vinegar.
“It’s not enough, Web,” Josie whispered. “I don’t want a week here and there. Only seeing you—seeing her—when it’s convenient. I deserve more than that.”
I lost my temper. “This isn’t about you, damn it! Katie’s doing great. Here. With me.” I threw the words at her like knives. I hope they fucking hurt.
“She needs me. My mother says—”
I let out a hateful laugh. “Your mother says? Your mother, who left you when you were five to go play house with her crackhead boyfriend? Pardon me if I don’t give a flying crap what your mother has to say about anything.”
“She’s changed, Web. So have I. People can do that, you know. You’ve always had a hard time forgiving when people hurt you. Maybe you should work on that,” Josie countered.
“Did your therapist tell you to say that?” I was being cruel. I didn’t care.
“This conversation is getting us nowhere. I think we should hang up. Calm down. Then maybe we can talk about this again. Otherwise, things will be said that we can’t take back.” There was a threat in there. I could tell. She was willing to play dirty. These words were going to be used to hurt me. Goddamn it.
“I won’t let you take my daughter,” I warned before hanging up.
“You won’t have a choice, Web,” she snapped, and then the line went dead.
I gripped my phone in my hand hard enough to break it. I took deep breaths and tried not to smash something. I felt wild. Out of control. This wasn’t good.
More than anything I wanted to see my daughter. I wanted to hold her against my chest and never let go. But I knew I couldn’t go to my parents’ right now. They would know instantly something was wrong. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to tell them that Josie had decided she wanted to take Katie to Florida, and the rest of us be damned. I couldn’t let Katie see me like this. It would scare her. She would pick up on my mood in an instant.
I was no good to her like this.
I was no good to anyone.
So, I drove around for an hour. Taking all the familiar roads. I blasted music and tried to drown out the dark, bleak thoughts that consumed me. When it got too much, I’d pull over and pound my fists against the steering wheel. I’d scream as loud as I could.