As I sat there, willing my reality to change, I had the realization that I was letting Josie win. That this was what she wanted. She wanted me to fall apart. She wanted to punish me for not loving her the way she wanted me to.
I remembered when she told me she was pregnant and how upset she became when I told her that it didn’t mean we were getting back together. I had promised to take care of her and the baby, but I wouldn’t force a relationship.
“You loved me once, Web, you can love me again,” she pleaded, tears streaming down her face. I hated seeing her cry. It made me feel like the world’s biggest asshole.
For a moment, I wavered. Maybe she was right. I thought I had loved her in the beginning. Sure, it wasn’t the crazy, passionate love that I had before. But it was nice. It was steady. I cared for her. And perhaps her passion for me could be enough for both of us. We could be a family. We could raise our child together.
And I would eventually grow to resent her for trapping me.
“I care about you, Jos. I really do. But I won’t live a lie either. It wouldn’t be fair to you. Don’t you want to be with someone that loves you? That wants to be with you? That would walk over broken glass for you?” I felt horrible saying these things.
Josie sobbed harder. “I want you, Web!”
“I’m sorry,” was all I could say, hating that I hurt her, but glad I was being honest.
I could sit here and get angrier and angrier, or I could go back to work. I had bills to pay. I couldn’t let Adam do all the custody work pro bono. I had to pay him for his time. Plus, I needed to focus on something that wasn’t my rage.
So, I drove back to the town square. My crew was all still there working their asses off as I knew they would be. They looked up as I made my way back over to the site. No one asked where I had been, clearly sensing it wasn’t a good idea, and that I wasn’t in the mood to talk.
I started unloading bags of gravel from the back of Matt’s pickup and dropping them on a pile by the cleared area designated for the gazebo. I glanced toward Adam’s office. I could see through the window to where Whitney sat at her desk with her head bent over whatever she was working on.
I hadn’t been thinking very clearly when I asked her to get coffee with me earlier. I had been running on pure emotion, and that emotion had led me to her. I didn’t want to think about what it meant. It was probably nothing. I had told her I simply wanted to bounce my thoughts off someone outside of the situation—and that was true. But it could have been one of my crew members. Hell, I could have grabbed a random person from the street.
But I didn’t. I walked into Adam’s office and went straight to her.
And talking to her, her silent empathy helped for a little while. Something was reassuring about the way she heard me. How she took in my words, my frustration, my pain, and didn’t try to fix it. She accepted it and didn’t judge me for it either.
With a heavy heart, I focused on work and hoped I would find a way out of this without losing Katie.
***
The last of my crew had just left. We worked a little longer today. We were ahead of schedule, which was great considering I had Marla Delacroix already doing regular drive-bys checking on the status of the project.
We had poured the cement foundation for the new gazebo. Mary had finished the borders for the flower beds, and Lucky was almost done staining the new fence. Jeff, Todd, and Matt had laid the last of the mulch and only had to plant the rose bushes. Building the gazebo would be saved for last, and with the way things were going, we would have everything done by the end of the week.
I wiped my face down with the towel I kept in the cab of my truck. My muscles were sore, and I felt a little light-headed from the heat and being out in the sun all day. But the hard labor had done exactly what I needed it to do. It had kept me from losing my mind over the upcoming custody battle.
“Good, you’re still here.” I looked up to find Adam crossing the road toward me.
“Only just. I’m getting ready to head out.” I put my toolbox in the back of my truck and fished my keys out of my pocket. The office behind Adam was dark, meaning everyone else had already left for the day. I hadn’t seen Whitney leave, and she hadn’t come to say goodbye. I tamped down the disappointment. I didn’t have time to get wrapped up in my old feelings for her.