That was my life. Watching Whitney Galloway living hers and wishing I were living it with her.
***
It was hard to reconcile the quiet, almost shy woman who sat across from me with the sweet, smiling girl she had been. Both were equally stunning. Both had me tied up in knots, whether I wanted to be or not.
When the group finished eating, we migrated into the living room to play cards. While the others got settled, I went to check on Katie. I opened the office door a crack and peeked in. She was still on her back, arms splayed, snoring slightly.
“I wish I could sleep like that,” a voice whispered behind me.
I could feel her—she was standing close. Too close. I walked further into the room to put some distance between us. But there was nowhere far enough away where I could avoid this feeling that had always existed between us.
Whitney lingered in the half-open doorway as I went to tuck the blanket back around Katie from where she had kicked it off.
“Kids aren’t weighed down by real-world bullshit, that’s why they sleep so well,” I responded quietly, slowly backing out of the room and closing the door again.
“That sounds about right. I envy them.” Whitney’s smile was brittle.
“Were you coming to check on her or something?” My question sounded accusatory. I needed to work on that.
Whitney’s smile melted away and disappeared. “Yeah, I was. I hope that’s okay. Your daughter is a pretty awesome little kid.” She wasn’t saying it to get points with me. That wasn’t Whitney’s way. I knew she meant it.
“Yeah, she is. Too bad her mother doesn’t agree,” I found myself saying, the truth slipping out before I could hold it back.
Whitney’s face turned wintery. “I don’t understand a woman that would turn her back on her responsibility to her kid. It seems biologically impossible. Particularly when that kid is Katie.”
“Yeah, well Josie didn’t exactly want to be a mom for the right reasons.” Why was I sharing this stuff with her? Where was my resolve to keep my distance? Only a fool trips on what is behind him.
It seemed I was a gigantic fool.
“She had hoped we’d be one big family. She had a hard time accepting that wasn’t in the cards,” I continued, the words falling out of my mouth.
“You can’t force something, Kyle. No matter how much you want it,” Whitney said softly, her eyes becoming glassy.
“Yeah, well, I thought it was important to be upfront with Josie. I didn’t want to lead her on,” I replied sharply. We weren’t talking about Josie. Not really. Both of us knew it.
“It sounds like you find it easier to say the words than other people do. Not everyone is as emotionally mature as you are, Kyle.” She was hurt. And probably a little angry too. Good. Now she knew how I felt all those years ago.
How I still felt if I was being honest.
“It’s not about being emotionally mature, Whitney. It’s about having respect for the other person. It’s about taking into account someone else’s feelings. Josie deserved that.” I pitched my voice low, not wanting our friends to overhear us. That was the last thing I needed.
Whitney’s defensiveness leaked out of her—like a balloon popping. “Maybe Josie was young and stupid and didn’t know what she wanted,” Whitney murmured. “Maybe she regrets being such a jerk. Maybe she wants to tell you she’s sorry.”
I hadn’t realized how close we were standing. I could feel her warm breath as she looked up at me, her green eyes full. Her face was full of pain. So much pain.
“Then maybe Josie should just come out and apologize then,” I said just as quietly.
Whitney’s fingers slowly touched the back of my hand. Curling and wrapping around. They fit. They always had.
“Kyle—”
The sound of Katie’s crying had us moving apart. Whitney pulled away, and I went instantly into Dad mode. I opened the office door and crossed the room to the crib, quickly picking up my sobbing little girl and holding her close to my chest.
I rubbed her back, long even strokes, shushing her the whole time, rocking slowly back and forth. After a few minutes, Katie quieted and drifted back to sleep. I put her down in the crib, tucking Fuzzles under her arm.
“You’re really good at that,” Whitney said, a note in her voice I didn’t understand.
“There was a time I didn’t think I could do it. Being a parent is definitely something you grow into. It’s not something that’s instinctual. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, I’m sure, but I’m figuring it out. I have to. I don’t have an option.” I put my hand on Katie’s back, content with the feeling of her breathing. She instilled a calm in me that nothing else could.
Then I felt Whitney’s palm press against my back, just as mine was pressed against my daughter’s. She didn’t say anything, and we stood that way for a while. Soaking in the comfortable silence of my little girl’s dreams.