And would it matter if he did? In the end, things were as they were supposed to be. Who was he to me? A mistake. A mark that could never be erased for the entirety of my marriage. Long after I will have forgotten him, he will remain a part of my past.
Long after I’ve forgotten him . . . . When will that be? How much longer until I forget?
It felt like a lifetime had passed already since that night. But though I worked hard not to think of him, the way he’d made me feel persisted. When I was near him. When I watched him watch me. Kisses, whispers, sensations in the dark.
I looked up at the night sky for a long time. In moments like these, I longed to be back in the suburbs of Dallas, where I could lie in the backyard and blanket myself with millions of stars. Tonight there were few. So this is how it goes.
When a prick of light shot across the sky, leaving a faint silver streak in its path, I didn’t bother making a wish. I just turned and went back inside.
CHAPTER 3
GRETCHEN’S FISTS SHOT in the air. “Feel the burn!” she screeched.
I quickly bit into a lime to abate my tingling jaw. My face scrunched, and I plucked the rind from between my teeth to drop it in the empty shot glass.
“Nice,” she said. “Three in a row. I’m impressed.”
I hiccupped and smiled. “I’ll take another Cosmo,” I told the bartender.
“You’re going to make yourself sick, mixing liquors like that.”
“I’m no rookie. Are you forgetting who taught you how to drink?”
“That’s debatable. Still, tequila shots and Cosmos? Gross. And maybe even lethal.”
I answered her with a shrill laugh that hurt even my own ears. I could almost feel the alcohol eating away at the pit in my stomach. It was just acidic enough to erase the toxicity of my shame for a night. It was relief, sweet and bitter. I took my drink and followed Gretchen back to our booth in the VIP section of the downtown club.
“Anyway,” Bethany was saying. “That was it for them. After an affair, three years of counseling and two children, it was forgetting to replace the milk that finally did it.”
Ava shook her head. “So sad. That happened to my colleague, too. One day she came home from work, and her husband said, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ Can you imagine?”
“Not everyone is as lucky as me and Andrew,” Lucy said, shrugging as though she were helpless to the fact. “We have the kind of romance that most people can only hope for.”
“It’s true. You guys are soul mates,” Ava said.
“I know. How sweet is that?”
I laughed into my Cosmo.
“What?” Lucy asked.
“Oh, nothing,” I said after a sip.
“No, what? Why is that funny?”
“It’s not funny, it’s just . . . idealistic, I guess.”
“How so?”
“I mean, Luce, really? You guys haven’t even walked down the aisle yet. It’s a little early to be so sure.”
Her mouth parted. “Andrew and I aren’t like those people. We have something unique and special. True romance.”
“Honey, romance is fleeting,” I said, waving a hand in the air. “When it fades away, you have to know that you and Andrew will still be able to stand each other.”
“Call me naïve – ”
“You said it!” I shrieked, giggling by myself.
“Um,” Lucy continued, “okay, but I don’t think that for us, the romance will ever ‘fade away.’”
“I agree, Lucy,” Ava cut in. “I think you and Andrew are meant to be. I envy you guys. I can’t wait to meet my soul mate.”
“There’s no such thing as soul mates, Ava,” I said. “That’s just a bunch of fairytale bullshit. The sooner everyone realizes that, the better.”
“Liv,” Gretchen warned.
“What? It’s true. Marriage is work. You’ll see soon enough. That euphoric stage wears off pret-ty quick-ly. I’m not being cynical; it’s science.” When I noticed their frowns, I nodded. “Yep, science. Hormones, oxy- ” I hiccupped, “tocin, and shit like that. Not very romantic, is it?”
“What about earlier when you went to call Bill?” Lucy countered. “Some might say that was a romantic gesture.”
I glanced down at the table and took one of those painful breaths, the ones where you feel the simultaneous constricting of everything in your chest. I thought about confessing that I hadn’t gone outside to call Bill, but to remind myself of why things were better off as they were. It was only a brief moment though, and instead, I said, “That exactly proves my point. Being around all of you makes me want to call Bill and tell him that I love him.”
“Which is romantic,” someone said.
I nodded. “It is, but why should I have to be reminded of that? Because relationships aren’t always that way. Sometimes you forget that you’re madly in love.” I hiccupped. “Happens to everyone.”
“Olivia,” Gretchen said again.
“Sorry, but I don’t want Lucy to be disappointed.”
“Are you disappointed?” Bethany asked.
“No, because I learned early on what marriage is about. It’s work. Thinking that it will be easy because it’s ‘true love’ is stupid. That’s just another form of faith for those who can’t deal with reality.”
“That’s enough,” Dani said.
I shrugged at her. “Better to be prepared.”
“I really don’t think Andrew and I are that way,” Lucy said. “We’re – ”
“Different?” I interjected.
“Yes.”
I nodded. “I hope you are.”
“I mean, I get what you’re saying,” Lucy continued. “I know you and Bill work at your marriage, but I’m excited to work together with Andrew. I love him. There’s no one else I would have wanted to do this with.”
“Not even Kyle Medley?” I asked, giggling to myself as I took another sip. “Come on, you said the same thing about him in college.”
“I think you’ve had enough,” Gretchen said, reaching for my drink.
I recoiled, sloshing pink liquid on my dress. “Damn,” I muttered, swiping at the stain.
“I didn’t know what love was until I met Andrew,” Lucy said.
I blinked at her once and then burst into laughter. “Lucy, do you hear yourself? You’re just saying that because to admit otherwise would mean you could be marrying anyone right now. Including Kyle Medley.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
“I’m making perfect sense! If instead of dumping you, Kyle had proposed, you would have said yes. Hence, the eradication of the soul mates theory. At the time, you thought he was your soul mate. And if you and Andrew broke up and you met someone else, you’d say he was your soul mate.”
“You’re putting words in my mouth. I never thought Kyle Medley was ‘the one.’”
My face scrunched under the weight of my skepticism. “Okay,” I said, holding up my hands. “If that’s your story.”
Lucy’s face etched with worry when she looked from her sister to Gretchen. “So are you saying that Bill isn’t your soul mate?” she asked after a moment.
“I’m saying the whole ludicrous idea doesn’t exist. And I know Bill would agree with me.”
“So what do you suggest, that nobody ever get married?” Dani asked.
I felt my brows crease as I looked at her. “No,” I said emphatically. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. Just don’t make it into something it’s not. Obviously Bill and I love each other, and we’re happy and we are building this life together – but to say that it’s this fairytale romance where we make love on a bed of rose petals every night, I mean . . . That’s what Lucy wants.”
“No I don’t. But Andrew and I share something pure that neither of us could experience with someone else. Romance isn’t exclusive to sex. And even as we get older or fight or have kids, we’ll still have that passion for only each other.”
I only raised my eyebrows and gripped the tab
le when the room undulated suddenly.
“Don’t listen to her,” Dani said softly, but not soft enough.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Dani. How long have you been married?”
“Liv!”
“It’s fine, Lucy,” Dani said, pursing her lips at me. “She’s right. I’m not married. None of us are, so maybe she has a point.”
I gave the table a hard nod and pointed to Dani. “See? She knows what’s up.”
“I’m calling you a cab,” Gretchen said, digging in her purse.
“Don’t make me the bad guy, Gretchen,” I pleaded, suddenly upset. “I’m just trying to be honest. It doesn’t mean I love Bill any less or that I’m not happy. I am happy. I just want Lucy to be happy, too.”