I swallow, just to coat my throat with wetness, hoping it will work. "Sure. It was a great time. How about you?"
He nods, all the while his eyes are boring into mine. "Especially touching you. Your skin feels like the softest of satin. Tell me... what would your answer have been last night?"
My stomach drops that he would hit me so fast with something like this. I thought I had mentally prepared myself in the bathroom to handle anything he threw at me, but I'm afraid the only thing I think I can manage is incoherent babbling. He scrambles my brain that much.
And while I might enjoy the fact that I've let loose on one occasion, I just don't know if I can get involved with someone like Cillian. I'm afraid I'll stop being me. That he'll consume me until nothing is left.
I take a deep breath, in through my nose, out through my mouth. It doesn't help the frantic beating of my heart. With as firm a voice as I can manage, I say, "My answer would have been no."
One eyebrow cocks at me in skepticism. "No? Truly?"
"Truly. Now what would you like to eat?"
"Now that's a loaded question," he says, attempting to lighten the mood. I have to fight to keep the corners of my mouth from turning upward in response. When I just continue to stare at him, he understands I'm not taking the bait.
Sighing he says, "Just bring me whatever the special is tonight."
I turn to leave and make it two steps when I hear his voice. "What are you really afraid of, Ren?"
I shouldn't respond. I shouldn't turn back to look at him. I should march right into the kitchen and turn his order in.
Instead, I turn around and walk up to him. "I'm afraid of getting lost."
His hands reach out and take mine. He squeezes them gently and I never thought I'd think of the word comfort in relation to Cillian, but that's exactly what I feel.
"I won't let you get lost." His eyes are serious, not a lick of mischief in them now. My heart starts a new rhythmic beat and I have to resist the urge to step further into him.
There is no denying I want him. Physically, that is. Although he would never fit into my stereotypical, ideal relationship partner, there is something about him that is appealing to my need for security and order. I find that strange, given Cillian's middle name is probably chaos.
Before I can say anything, Keefe yells at me from behind the bar that I have an order up. I stare one moment longer at him, and then he releases my hands. With a sigh, I head back to work.
***
Cillian has finished his dinner, and true to form, he lingers over another Guinness while writing furiously on his notepad. I finally got a glimpse of it when I brought him this last beer, and he's writing music. It amazes me he can even concentrate to do that sitting in a busy pub, but he clearly knows how to focus.
As usual, when he's working, he pays me little attention and I'm okay with that for now. Taking stock of the few tables I have left, I see I don't have anything immediate to do so I walk up to the bar to chitchat with Keefe for a few minutes. I've not been able to see him and Aunt Shannon in a few days and I miss his cheery personality.
I'm almost to the bar when movement from the corner of my eye catches my attention. I turn and my breath freezes solid in my lungs. Tall, black hair, sparkling blue eyes... I had almost forgotten how handsome Cormac was.
"Hello, Renner."
I glance around the pub. Keefe is busy talking to customers behind the bar and I see that Cillian still has his nose buried in his music. Although why I should look to them is beyond me. Am I seeking help? Or do I want to avoid having them see Cormac?
"What are you doing here?"
"You haven't responded to me in a few days. I was worried. And I just wanted to see you." He reaches a hand out as if he's going to touch my face and I jerk back reflexively. He stares at me with hurt in his eyes and lowers his hand.
"Now isn't a good time."
"I'll wait for you to get off, if that's okay. Then we can talk after."
God no, that's not okay. First, I wouldn't be able to continue working, knowing that Cormac was here and we would have to confront our issues. I would be a nervous wreck. More importantly, Cillian is here and if he stays on course, he'll expect to walk me home tonight. And I don't feel like explaining Cillian to Cormac or vice versa.
Glancing at my watch, I say, "I can give you ten minutes, but then I have to get back to work."
He nods his head and I motion with my hand for him to precede me to the door. He walks out of the pub and I follow, heading a few feet away from the front door. I'm not sure standing here on a busy sidewalk in Temple Bar is the best place to have this conversation, but it's certainly better than inside the pub.
Cormac turns to face me, tucking his hands into his pant pockets. He glances down at the ground for a second, then back up to me. "Have you given any further thoughts about giving us another chance?"
Oh, boy. Here goes.
"Actually I have. And I
'm sorry, but I don't think it's a good idea for me to be involved with you. We had our chance and it didn't work."
Cormac steps into me a bit closer and I hold my ground, even though every instinct tells me to back up. His face is sad but there's an urgency in his eyes. "But that's just it... we can have another chance. I swear I will make up to you all of the pain I caused if you'd just let me back in your heart."
There was a time, not but just a few days ago, where I would have given serious consideration to his plea. I'm not sure what has happened in that short amount of time, but now that I have said the words out loud, I know I'm making the right decision.
"I'm sorry, Cormac. But there is not any more room in my heart for you. It's done. We both need to move on."
Pulling his hands from his pockets, he places them on my shoulders and grips me lightly. "No. I can't move on. Not without you. Please, Renner."
His words are whiny...pathetic, and I'm surprised he doesn't stomp his foot like a child. It's not attractive at all. Cillian would never act this way. He would demand I give him another chance and then probably throw me over his shoulder to carry me off. Why I find that sort of alpha behavior hot is beyond me?
I bring my arms up in between him with the intent to shrug him off, but his grip becomes firmer. "Cormac...let me go. My answer is no and it won't change. I have to get back to work."
"I refuse to believe that," he says with desperation. "You need to remember what we had."
Before I can even process what he is doing, Cormac leans in to kiss me, pulling me into his body to meet him the rest of the way. My hands come up to his chest and I try to push him back. All the while his tongue is trying to gain entrance into my mouth.
I'm repelled by his attempt to kiss me but my efforts to push him back are like me trying to push The Hibernian down the block.
I do manage to wrench my head to the side and break contact between our lips. "Cormac... stop it."
His hands move to my face and he holds me in place, his eyes beseeching me. "It can be good again, I swear it."
He leans in to try to kiss me again, and I am just considering a knee to his nuts, when I hear from behind me, "I'm going to give you to the count of three to let her go, or I'm going to make you do it. And you can ask our girl, Renner, here but I don't give choices that often so consider yourself lucky."