‘Kayden, get your head in the practice!’ my coach hollers as he waves at me to get my ass on the field. I’ve been standing on the sidelines, staring at the end field for who knows how long, lost in my thoughts.
Getting my head back into practice mode, I jog into the center of the field, hooking the chin strap as I join my other teammates in the huddle. We’re in our practice uniforms, the field icy from last night’s intense temperature drop, and it’s still fucking cold. But it’s good to be outdoors, distracting myself from the thoughts that haunt me whenever I’m in my room alone. Playing clears my head more than anything else, except for maybe talking to Callie, who I get to see when practice is over.
Still, even when I’m playing, I can hear his faint voice telling me what to do. It’s always there whenever I’m doing anything athletic and sometimes when I’m asleep. I hate that I hear it, but after years of it being drilled in my mind, I can’t get rid of the sound.
Run.
Do better.
Go faster.
Play harder.
Keep going until you break.
It’s only when I’m dripping with sweat and completely in the game that I can barely hear my father’s voice in my head, my heart thudding too loud to hear anything but the overworked beat of it. It makes me love/hate football – love it for me, but hate it because of him.
Still, I focus on what I need to do for practice, putting my heart into playing well, running the drills, throwing, catching, playing as good as I always do. By the time we’re finished and I’m heading to the locker room, the sweat has soaked through my uniform and my brain is too exhausted to think so I’m feeling pretty good. Coach pulls me aside before I go inside and tells me how good I’m doing, but then gives me some things to work on. He usually does this, but he’s been on my case a lot this year since we’ve been playing so well. There’s been a lot of talk about my future in football, even though I’m still a sophomore and still have a ways to go before the draft comes into my sights. I’m grateful for the time, too, because I’m not even sure what I want to do anyway.
My whole life my dad threw me into sports and I always excelled at them, so it just seemed like that was the path I’d follow. And I love playing, but sometimes I wonder if there’s more to life than this. If maybe there’s something out there for me that’s not connected to my father’s dream for me and the sound of his voice constantly haunting me with every run and throw I make.
After I go to the locker room, I take a quick shower and change into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Then I slip my jacket on and head out to my car in the parking lot. It’s not the best-looking car in the world, but it’s better than my motorcycle and gets me to places. Plus, the great part is I bought it myself, from the part-time job I have at the local gym. It’s all mine; my own little pride and joy. Not my father’s.
I climb inside and rev up the engine, tossing my bag into the backseat. It’s getting late; the sun has gone behind the mountains, so I turn on the headlights and push the car into drive. I’m about to pull out of the lot when I get a text message, my phone buzzing in my pocket
Pressing on the brake, I stop the car near the exit to take my phone out of my pocket, smiling because I know who the text is from before I even check it.
Callie: Hey! Where r u? I thought we were supposed to meet at your dorm at seven, but you’re not here …
Me: Sorry, I’m running a little late. Coach wanted to talk about stuff.
I frown at the intentional avoidance of the subject. I haven’t talked to Callie about the uncertainty of my future in football – or the uncertainty in my future period. She’s always so positive and knows exactly what she wants out of life; it makes it difficult to talk to someone who knows what they want.
Me: R u at my dorm right now?
Callie: Yeah, in your room … Niko let me in.
I pull a face at the mention of my roommate. Not that I don’t like him or anything, but he has some serious issues and he’s high half the damn time.
Kayden: Is he with you right now?
Callie: No, he just left … why?
Kayden: Just wondering … I’m heading there now. Be there in like 10.
Callie: K :) And I have something really important I want to talk to you about … It’s about us
I grow uneasy, wondering what it is, that she might want to take a break from us or something else equally as bad. I really don’t think that is it, but my mind always seems to go to that dark place whenever there’s an unknown in front of me. I can’t help worrying Callie will hurt me because she has the power to. She owns my heart and soul completely and she could easily break it.
Lost in my worries, I pull out onto the road and drive toward my dorm building. By the time I’m parking the car, it’s snowing like a blizzard. Massive snowflakes splatter against the windshield and instantly soak through my clothes as I hop out and jog across the frosted grass to the entrance doors. I breathe in the warmth as I step into the foyer area.
It’s nearing Halloween and everything is decorated in black and orange, fake spider webs everywhere, along with this stupid skeleton that makes spooky noises every time someone walks by. There are a few people sitting around in the lounging area, laughing and talking, a couple of whom I know, so I give them a wave and say hello before going to the elevator.
The closer I get to my room, the more eager I get to touch Callie, wishing I could do it all the time. Unfortunately, I’m not in the same dorm building as her and it makes staying together all night a bit of a pain in the ass. Honestly, it’d be easier if we just lived together, but that is one hell of a big step and I’m not sure if I’m – we’re – ready for that or if she’d even want to.
When I arrive at my room, I punch in the code and walk in, smiling even before I see her. But then I frown the moment I step over the threshold when I discover the room is empty, just two unmade twin beds, some empty Dorito bags, and a lot of Coke cans on the floor, which makes me miss Luke as a roommate and his need to keep everything clean and organized. There’s also a stack of DVDs on my nightstand, which I’m assuming Callie brought over since they weren’t here earlier.
I’m scratching my head, wondering where she went when my phone vibrates from inside my pocket. My eyebrows knit as I take it out and swipe my finger across the screen.
Callie: Put your coat on and meet me outside on the east side of the campus yard.
Me: Why does this sound so suspicious … you’re not planning my murder, r u?