Alexa’s already lost one father. I’ve already lost a husband. Maybe that’s selfish of me. But if anything ever happened to Blake, I think it would crush me for good.
When I return to the living room, Hope’s alone.
“Everything okay?” she asks carefully.
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
She tilts her head and studies me. “You seem glum.”
I paste on a fake smile, but she doesn’t laugh. “Why didn’t Murphy come back with you?”
“He finally admitted he’s still been fighting.” I put up my fists, so she knows what I mean. “Or was fighting. He’s lied to me about it for a while.”
“Oh, Heidi. I’m sorry.” She waves me closer. “Come here.”
I’m afraid to ask my next question. I don’t think I could take it if Hope’s been lying to me all this time too. “Did you know?”
“About Murphy fighting? No,” she answers quickly. “Fighting? No. I’ve only ever seen Wrath at one of those fights. And that was a while ago.”
I forgot that Uncle Wrath used to get in the ring too once upon a time. Is that why Blake wanted to do it too?
“I can’t stand the idea of him getting hurt,” I admit.
She wraps an arm around me. “Of course, you can’t.”
One silent tear runs down my cheek, and I quickly swipe it away.
“Murphy is young, strong and smart. Quick on his feet.” She squeezes me harder. “I’m sure getting hurt never crossed his mind.”
“It’s the lying that pisses me off.” I sit up but lower my voice, not sure if Rock’s upstairs or not. “Don’t you hate the lying sometimes?”
“Heidi,” she sighs. “Sometimes it’s hard to lie to people you love, but you do it because you want to protect them.” She clears her throat. “I’m sure he thought he was protecting you.”
“I guess. But it means Marcel, and probably everyone else, knew and lied to me, too.”
“It wasn’t their secret to tell.” She continues running her hand over my hair in a comforting way that almost sends me to sleep. “If they told you, then they betray Murphy. I’m not saying it’s right but try to understand.”
“Maybe I should be mad at Murphy for putting them in that position?”
“Not quite what I meant, Heidi.” She kisses the top of my head. “No matter what happens, you should always know that you’re loved. By a lot of people.”
Suddenly, I feel like we’re having different conversations. “That sounds ominous.”
“It’s the most important truth.” She lets go of me and sits up. “Hey, have you thought about wedding shoes yet?”
A little startled by the change in topic, I sit up and try to shift gears. “Uh, not really.”
“Do you want a pair of heels?” she asks.
Embarrassed, I hesitate before answering. Hope wore quirky cowboy boots for her wedding, so she won’t find this weird, right? “Well, I found these really pretty boots online.”
“Are you still going with the silver dress?”
I shrug. “I already did the white dress thing.” My gaze focuses on the floor. “I want everything about this wedding to be different.”
She squeezes my hand “I understand.”
We’re both quiet for a second. “Tell me more about the boots,” she prompts.
“Actually, I found two pairs. I can’t decide between them.”
She rubs her hands together. “Show me.”
I pull out my phone and bring up my wedding Pinterest page. The downside to living way out here in the country is our slow Internet, so while I wait for the page to load, I explain, “One has this really pretty tapestry panel with buckles and the other is a little dressier lace-up with a small heel. They’re both this gorgeous shade of deep, bright purple leather.”
“Purple, huh? Not green?” Her lips twitch with amusement.
“I like green too, but the purple is so pretty.” The pictures finally load, and I hand over my phone. “They’re stupid expensive, though. Probably a waste of money, right?”
“It’s your wedding, Heidi.”
“I love the tapestry ones. I could totally wear them to ride, too.”
“Definitely.” She taps the screen a few times, switching between the two pairs. “Get both.”
“Did you miss how ridiculously expensive I said they were?”
Ignoring me, she waves her hand over the screen. “The ones with the heel are dressier for the ceremony part. Plus, they’ll go better with your silver dress. You can wear the tapestry ones after the ceremony if you want to be a little more casual.” She glances at my feet. “What size are you?”
Instinctively, I tuck my feet up under me. “Why?”
She stands and grabs her purse off the bench by the door. “Because I’m going to order them now.” She taps the screen again. “Did you miss the part where they’re only a limited production? They’re actually out of a few sizes already.” She whips out her credit card and motions me to hurry up as if the store’s about to run out of inventory right this second.
I jump up and attempt to pry my phone out of her hand. “I can’t let you do that.”
She makes a shoo noise, complete with hand gesture.
“Hope, seriously, you’ve done enough for me. That’s not why I showed them to you.”
“I know it’s not.” She glances down the hall and starts walking toward my bedroom.
“What are you doing?” I hustle to catch up to her.
“Getting your shoe size.” She tilts her head. “Unless you’d like to save me the trouble.”
“You’re exasperating.”
She grins. “Rock says that all the time.”
To save her from turning over all my smelly sneakers, because I think she will absolutely do just that to get what she wants, I tell her.
“Perfect!” She taps my phone a few times as she walks back to the kitchen. “They should be here in a week or two. They’re handmade. Good thing we ordered them now and didn’t wait.”
A black cloud of guilt settles over me. Like I’m a naughty child who conned her mom into buying something super-expensive. “You really didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to.” She pulls me in for a hug. “I need to get some sleep. Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine.” I squeeze her tight before she leaves. “Thank you.”
Murphy
When I finally return to Rock and Hope’s, the downstairs is dark and silent. Not even a peep from Grace’s nursery.
I move through the living room and to our hallway slowly, not wanting to wake anyone.
Our bedroom is almost too quiet. Like Heidi’s holding her breath. Waiting for me. Or trying to make me think she’s asleep.
As I slide into bed, her breath hitches.
&
nbsp; Reaching out, I pull her closer. She settles against me. Her back against my front, and I wrap my arm around her middle. “You still mad at me?” I murmur against her ear.
“A little.”
I should’ve said it earlier, so I give her the words now. “I’m sorry.”
“I can’t stand you getting hurt.”
“I know.”
“And not even knowing? What if something happened to you?”
“Nothing happened to me.”
“I feel so foolish.” She sniffles. “You promise you’re done now?”
“Except for the stuff I told you, yes.”
“You still want to, though, don’t you?”
“Sometimes.”
In my arms, her body trembles. “Is it because of me?”
That’s not what I expected her to ask.
“What?”
She turns in my arms, placing her hands on either side of my face. “Is it my fault? Does being with me stop you from doing stuff you used to do…before?”
I lean in and kiss her forehead, considering my words carefully before opening my mouth. Heidi’s always been smarter than me. Wiser. More perceptive. I should never forget that.
“No, beautiful.”
It’s not really a lie if I can’t put a label on the thoughts going on in my head.
Is it?
“I don’t want you to feel tied down or trapped by me. Ever.”
“Whoa, that’s not how I feel at all. I love you. I want to build a life with you. Grow our family.”
“Then why?”
I’m almost glad we can’t quite see each other in the darkness. Will sharing this with her help or hurt her more? “You know I got picked on a lot when I was a kid?”
“Marcel swears that’s how you two met. He beat up some bully messing with you.”
For once, Marcel wasn’t exaggerating. “Right. I hated that helpless feeling. Had enough of that at home.”
“You’re not helpless anymore.” She squeezes my arm. “You’re the strongest man I know.”
“I’m glad you think so. Rock said something the other day that got me thinking. I’m the club’s youngest Road Captain.”
“I thought so.”
“I think it’s always made me feel I need to prove myself more. Wrath’s always been hard on me, that’s for sure.”