Squeezing his hand tighter, I put on a brave face and smiled despite filling with fear. “Okay.”
I suddenly wished that we could have just stayed airborne.CHAPTER TWENTY-TWOUNINTENTIONAL VOWSDamien’s surgery was scheduled for the twenty-eighth of February, which was a little over a week away.
I’d been doing everything in my power over the last month and a half to remain strong for him. He didn’t need to see that I was scared shitless; that wouldn’t help anything. So, I quietly dealt with my anxiety on my own. I went and saw a therapist a couple of times during my lunch breaks and began taking something mild to take the edge off.
The past few weeks had consisted of lots of special appointments in preparation for the surgery. Damien had to have an echocardiogram; he met with his surgeon and anesthesiologist and also underwent a number of blood tests.
We’d decided that the upcoming weekend before his surgery was going to be low-key. We would do something relaxing and try to get our minds off of things.
Damien and I were sitting on the couch watching TV Monday night. I was pretending to be immersed in the movie. Instead, I was ruminating about the surgery.
He looked over at me at one point, and I just knew he could tell I wasn’t really paying attention to the television. When he kissed me softly on the forehead, I took it as an unspoken acknowledgement that he knew what I’d really been thinking about. It was so tiring trying to pretend that I was fine all of the time. I wanted these days to pass so that we could have the surgery behind us. At the same time, I wanted them to drag, because I was scared.
He kissed my head again then asked, “Have you thought about what you want to do this weekend?”
“I thought we were just gonna hang out here, have some private time at home.”
“We could do that, or maybe we could do something else.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“Maybe we could get married.”
My heart started to race. Did he just say what I think he said?
He’d rendered me speechless. “What?”
“We could get married…you know…if you wanted.”
At first, I thought maybe he was joking, but the seriousness in his expression negated that. He was nervous. There was no way he was kidding.
“I don’t understand.”
“I know it’s out of the blue.”
“Yes. It is.”
He took both of my hands in his. “Hear me out.”
I blew out a deep breath. “Okay.”
“It’s all I’ve been able to think about ever since I made the decision to have the surgery. I truly believe I’m gonna be okay, Chelsea. Alright? But if there’s even a miniscule percent chance that I’m not…the one thing I would regret the most in this life is not having seen you walk down the aisle toward me. I’m not trying to sound morbid, because again, I really trust my doctors, but it’s still all I can think about. I want you to be my wife.”
The tears I’d been holding back could not be contained any longer. “I want that, too.”
“Are you not ready? Do you think it’s too soon?”
“Maybe I should think that, but I don’t.”
“Me neither, baby. When they put me under and tell me to count to ten or whatever it is they do, I want to think about the memory of you in that white dress. I also want to know that when I wake up, we’ll be married. But full disclosure…I also want you to have the legal right to have access to me at all times and to make decisions if needed.”
When I just nodded in silence, he continued.
“I don’t want you to think that I’m only asking you because I’m scared. I’ve known for a long time that you’re it for me. I was gonna ask you on Christmas morning. You know that was before I even decided to have the surgery. Obviously, my going to the emergency room ruined those plans. Then, I was going to ask you in New York, but by that time, I’d decided on the surgery and changed my mind, thinking it would be better to wait until after. But as we’ve gotten closer to the date, I’ve changed my mind again because I’m realizing I just can’t wait any longer. I want it now. Fuck that, I want it yesterday.”
“You were really gonna propose to me on Christmas?”
“Yeah. I have the ring and everything.” He dropped his head. “Fuck, I royally screwed up this proposal, didn’t I? I just basically asked you to marry me with no ring.”
“No. This is so you, Damien. It’s as spontaneous as anything you’ve ever done. I’ll see the ring on our wedding day. I want to be surprised.”
“Are you sure? Because I could just casually walk to the bedroom where I’m hiding it and hand it to you right now. That would make this proposal even lamer.”