Claire cleared her throat and looked straight at me. “So, we kind of have a special announcement.”
My jaw dropped because I had a feeling I knew what was coming.
“We’re pregnant!” Micah shouted gleefully as he rubbed my sister’s back.
Unable to stop myself from breaking out into tears, I immediately got up from my seat to hug them. This was huge. She was the first of us to have a child, and I was going to be an aunt. Visions of chubby legs, blowing raspberries and big toothless grins flashed through my mind. I was so thrilled for them—for all of us. Even still, I was surprised that the news caused me to cry so easily. It was more poignant of a moment than I’d ever imagined.
“I’m so happy for you, Claire Bear. I love you so much. I just know you’re gonna be the best mother in the world.”
My parents and I took turns hugging Claire and Micah. Everyone immediately started pondering potential baby names. My sister dialed Jade so that we could all FaceTime. Jade also broke out into tears upon hearing the news.
So wrapped up in the excitement, I hadn’t even noticed the empty chair.
Damien had disappeared. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, but with each minute that passed, his absence became more and more disconcerting.
After confirming that he wasn’t in the bathroom, I made my way out to the back of the house and found him standing alone in the yard. It was cold out and drizzly, not a great night to be outside. This was odd.
“Damien? Are you okay?”
He turned around, looking sullen. “Yeah.”
My mood had gone from happy a few minutes ago to panicky now. “What are you doing out here?” When he didn’t respond, I said, “You’re scaring me.”
The memory of being sideswiped by Elec’s change of heart was never too far. As much as I knew Damien truly cared about me, my own experiences had conditioned me to expect something to go wrong whenever everything seemed perfect.
“We need to get away from here and talk in private.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded. “Okay. Let’s get going, then.”
Nervously grabbing my purse and jacket back inside, I said goodbye to my parents and sister as Damien waited outside in the truck. I’d made up a story that he was feeling a little sick to his stomach when in fact it was my own stomach that was turning.
As Damien drove us over the Golden Gate Bridge, I sat in the passenger seat, staring at the beads of drizzle gathering on the window. Feeling nauseous, I turned to him and examined his expression. He seemed troubled and kept his eyes on the road. I wasn’t sure where he was taking us until he eventually turned toward our neighborhood.
Once inside his apartment, it was quiet, since the Double Ds were with Jenna.
Damien leaned against his kitchen counter with both hands. “I’m sorry for scaring you, but I don’t think this conversation can be put off any longer.”
His chest was heaving. It scared me whenever Damien seemed stressed out now that I knew about his heart. I just wanted him to calm down.
“What happened to you tonight?”
He released a long breath. “When I saw the way you reacted to your sister’s news, it really hit me, how much you’d be missing by being with me.”
“What do you mean?”
After a seemingly endless pause, he said, “I can’t have children, Chelsea.”
What?
“What do you mean?”
“I mean I can physically have them, but I can’t in good conscience father a child, knowing there’s a fifty percent chance that I could pass along my heart defect.” He repeated, “Fifty percent. It would be selfish, and if I ignored that and something ever happened to my kid, I could never live with myself.”
Although I’d read about the odds, I’d never considered that he wouldn’t want to take the risk. To hear him admit how he felt was as sobering as it was heartbreaking.
When I stayed silent, he continued, “We’ve never discussed this before, and we really should have. It was a big reason I tried to avoid getting involved with you. When I used to say I never wanted to have kids, I meant it. You just didn’t understand why at the time.”
It felt like the safety cocoon of denial I’d mentally built over the past several weeks was beginning to unravel. This was devastating, but so help me God, I couldn’t imagine life without him. Not now. Not anymore.
I didn’t know how to express my feelings; the words just wouldn’t come to me.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“It’s okay.”
“But see…what I know I should do and what I want, totally contradict each other. I say I don’t want to have kids, but there is nothing more that I really want than to see your belly swell with my baby growing inside of you someday. I want to hold our baby in my arms so badly. But I just can’t do it. And you deserve to experience that. I made the selfish decision to give into my feelings for you before having this discussion. I can’t say I regret that, but at the same time, I don’t think you really understand what you’re getting yourself into. I should’ve initiated this conversation a long time ago.”