“Ryan get in the truck,” I tell him, my voice stern.
Immediately he turns toward me and I see the disappointment that fills him. I hate myself for it, even as I know it needs to be done. The smile disappears from his face too.
You’re a bastard, Diesel….
I say the words in my head and I’m pissed—pissed at myself, at Vicki, Violet and even at Rory.
“Okay, Dad.” Ryan says, hopping into the front seat of my truck. I help buckle him in his booster seat, then close the door.
“Noah?” Rory says and I swallow down the words that want to come out. I can’t show her any weaknesses.
“I thought we had an understanding, Cupcake.”
“What? I thought…”
“I told you, you can have me, but you stay away from my son. He’s not part of the deal. He’s completely off limits.”
I watch as she digests my words. I see the moment she takes them in and I can see when they lodge deep inside of her. Then, I watch as the color slowly seeps out of her face. It doesn’t give me joy to see her reaction. It doesn’t feel good, knowing that she could be hurt. I want to take the words back, but then I remember what my history with women has taught me and I say nothing.
“Got it,” she says and the words are spoken so quietly that I barely hear them.
“Good. I’ll be back in an hour if you want me to scratch that itch you’ve been having at night,” I tell her.
“I won’t be here,” she says. Her gaze jerks back around when Ryan calls from the truck—having rolled his window down.
“Bye, Rory!”
“Bye, sweetheart,” she whispers, and the color in her face is definitely slipping away.
I want to say more to her, to take back the harm that I’ve inflicted upon her.
“Later, Cupcake,” I tell her instead as I walk around my truck. I get in and Rory doesn’t answer. She looks up at me instead, and now her face is blank. Even as I worry I’ve hurt her too much, I have this voice inside of me that says she’s just playing a game trying to get to me.
I manage to not look at her until I’m heading down the road. In my rearview mirror, I see Rory still standing there and she seems surrounded in sadness so thick that I can almost physically see it.
I shake my head to clear it.
I will not feel sorry for her.
I will not let her suck me in.
Never again will another woman suck me in. There’s too much at stake.
Way too much.13RoryI’m so stupid. I don’t know why I thought things would be different today. Last night was just simple, but it felt like Noah and I shared something special. It didn’t feel forced either, but it did feel…real.
I’m an idiot. It’s not like Noah didn’t lay it out for me. I can’t even blame him.
I blame me.
I’m not going to play the fool again, though.
Noah is crazy if he thinks I’ll be waiting for him when he gets back. I’d rather die than have him between my legs, knowing how much he dislikes me. Last night it felt like he saw the real me, that he liked me. He doesn’t even want me to say hello to his son. I’m pretty sure that’s a clear sign that he’s not worth my time.
I was right. He is a fucking asshole. I’m a good person and I really like his little boy. It’s his loss. I’ve been alone for a while now. It’s not like I can’t be happy that way. I’ve been happier by myself here in Montana than I ever was when I was surrounded by family. I need to remember that and not open myself up again.
I walk back inside my house… deflated.
The first thing I need to do is get ready and leave. I have the early shift at work and I’ll need to leave soon so I can make it in time anyway. I haven’t fixed my tire, but today is pay day so I’ll get Max at the garage to come put on a new tire and fill up my tank. I’ll be completely busted, but I’ll survive until the next pay period.
I go into my bedroom and looking at the bed I get sick to my stomach. I stare at the wall beside my bed, the same wall that apparently Noah shares.
I won’t be sleeping here tonight.
It sucks, but I’ll be moving into my guest room—at least until I can pay someone to redo my damn wall and make it soundproof. I grab my keys and then grab the lunch I fixed earlier this morning. It’s nothing more than a peanut butter sandwich, but it’s much cheaper to eat that than trying to buy food. After buying a tire, I’ll probably be living on peanut butter this week.