Through it all, Alaric holds me and strokes my back with a hand. He seems to know that I can’t take any verbal reassurance right now, that I’m already well past my comfort zone with showing him this breakdown. He just…holds me. Just weathers the storm of my emotions even though he’s in the midst of his own hurt.
He loves her, too.
I give a weak, wet laugh. “I love her.”
“I know,” he murmurs against my temple. “I know.”
We stay like that for a long time, sharing a kind of comfort that has nothing to do with sex. The world still hasn’t steadied when my tears finally dry, a hollow feeling taking up residence in my chest. If the circumstances were any different, I would take my people and go after Zuri and bring her back. I would fight Triton for her. I would fight the entire world for her.
If not for the fact that Zuri made the choice to walk away.
I love her enough to respect that choice, to not chase after her and try to influence it.
But, gods, it hurts so much to stand back and let her flee the life we could have had.Chapter 30ZurielleI don’t sleep.
I can’t stop thinking about how Ursa and Alaric must have felt when they realized I was gone, how much I hurt them. If I could have left a note… But doing anything except walking away was just asking for Ursa and Alaric to try and follow. To put themselves in danger for me. I couldn’t risk it. I need them safe, and this was the only way to guarantee it.
I pace around my room. It’s been mine since birth. It never felt so claustrophobic as it does now. The walls are too close, the weight of my father’s will pressing down on me despite not having seen him yet. My sisters tried to cluster when we arrived back in Olympus, but I can’t deal with them on top of my own guilt.
My resolve, on the other hand, remains strong. I will do anything to save those I love. Anything.
Another circle paced around the room does nothing to quell the restless feeling in my chest. The sun has long since risen. Father will have already eaten breakfast and convened with his head of security to go over the plan for the day. He’ll know I’m back. The fact that he hasn’t summoned me to him is a power play, a punishment.
I’m tired of waiting on the whims of others.
I dress carefully, pulling out a pair of tailored slacks and a green blouse. Clothing is as intentional as anything, and these are items that I’ve worn maybe once or twice, preferring dresses. There’s nothing wrong with dresses, but I need every weapon in my arsenal for what comes next. I style my hair into a sleek ponytail and apply my makeup with a stronger hand than I normally would. When I pick my lipstick, it’s a bright red that makes me think of Ursa.
The thought brings a pang in my chest. What must she think of me now? No doubt that I betrayed her, that I left with no intention of returning. If things work out like I hope and I’m able to travel back to Carver City… Will she even have me? She’s a woman with many walls and just as many spikes, though they’re clothed in sweetness. It took a lot for her to open up to me, to let me in, and she’ll see this as a betrayal of the highest order.
And Alaric? He finally showed me his true self, told me he loved me, and I immediately turned around and disappeared back to Olympus. Impossible to see that as anything other than a slap in the face, especially considering they’re unlikely to know what my sisters said to me. He won’t see this as me trying to protect them. No, he’ll view this as much of a betrayal as Ursa will.
I close my eyes and focus on steadying my breathing. Even if neither of them ever forgives me, they’ll be safe from my father.
But my time of going with the flow in order not to make waves is over.
I open my eyes and place my mother’s necklace around my neck. Its heavy weight feels like the last bit of armor sliding into place. I don’t know what she’d think of this entire situation, but I feel stronger just wearing it.
I take one last fortifying breath and stride out of my room, my heels clicking on the tile floors. As expected, I find my father in his office; another fifteen minutes and I’d have missed him as he headed out to the shipyards.
He looks older than the last time I saw him, which seems absurd. It’s been a little more than a week. People don’t age so quickly. But I could swear there’s more silver in his red hair and more lines around his gray eyes. He’s a large man, nearly as tall as me even while sitting down, and this is the first time in my life that I’ve really acknowledged how strength hasn’t only been used to protect our family.