“No. I really enjoyed it.”
“You did?” He threw me a doubtful look.
“I enjoyed having your arm around me,” I admitted.
Zach grinned. “Good, because I like putting my arm around you.”
A message flashed on my mobile when we got out of the car behind our building. It was from Brian and said: Where are you???
“Brian?” Zach guessed as we walked up to the front door of our apartment building.
“He wants to know where I am.”
“He’ll know soon enough,” Zach said. We stepped into the elevator and I smiled worriedly. “Maybe we should pretend we met in the hallway.”
Zach laughed. “You want to lie to Brian about us?”
“It’s just one date.”
Zach frowned. “I don’t want this to be our last date.”
“Neither do I.”
“So if we decide to give this dating thing a chance, we need to tell your brother.”
I sighed and slumped against the elevator wall. “You’re right. So are we dating now?” The question made me oddly nervous.
Zach twisted closer. Was he going to kiss me? I bit my lip. He towered a head over me and we were in a narrow space and this time I wasn’t the one in control, could I handle that? Zach stopped and only took my hand. Had he seen the doubt on my face? “We’re dating,” he said. A huge weight lifted off my chest. I stood on my tiptoes, curled my hand around Zach’s neck and pulled his face toward me, then brushed his lips with mine. The contact sent a thrill through my body. I wondered how it would be to deepen the kiss, but the elevator wasn’t the place for that. I was already surprised that I had kissed him at all. The elevator doors slid open and we stepped out. When we entered the apartment, Brian was sitting on the sofa. His eyes darted to our linked hands, then from Zach to me. He jerked up. This was going to end badly.
Zach
Brian looked as if he wanted to kill me. I squeezed Amber’s hand. “Maybe you should go into your room.”
Brian came around the sofa, straight for me. I never took my eyes off him. I’d done nothing wrong, no matter how much he wanted me to feel that way. “Brian,” Amber said in a warning tone. “This is what I want. Don’t give Zach trouble.”
“You don’t even know what this is. You’ve got no clue what you’re getting yourself into,” Brian muttered. He treated her as if she was a stupid kid.
Amber narrowed her eyes. “How can you say that? I want a normal life. I want a boyfriend. I want experience, closeness and love.” She snapped her mouth shut, looking embarrassed.
Love, huh? I forced my face to remain passive. I couldn’t let Amber see how the mere mentioning of love had shocked me, but Brian must have seen something in my expression. I knew she hadn’t meant that she loved me, but still I couldn’t help but be worried. The word love referred to a sort of commitment I’d never taken into consideration. Love had ruined my mother.
“I only want to talk to Zach,” Brian said.
“Talk?” Amber looked doubtful, so probably did I. Brian wanted to kick my fucking ass. “I don’t think that’s a good—” The ringing of her phone interrupted her. She stared down at the screen, then replied. “It’s Reagan. She’s at Kevin’s and wants to talk.” A knock sounded.
Amber let go of my hand and opened the door. “Where you waiting in front of the door or how did you get here so fast?”
Reagan smiled, but her eyes darted between Brian and me. It was probably obvious that we were about to start arguing. She took Amber’s arm and pulled her away. “Let the boys deal with their testosterone.” Both girls disappeared in the kitchen.
Brian waited for the door to close before he spoke, “What’s going on here?” I could tell how much it cost him to talk calmly.
“Amber and I went on a date.”
“A date?” Brian clenched his jaw.
“We want to give it a try.”
“What a try?”
“A relationship?”
Brian snorted. “You’ve got to be kidding.” He kept his voice low. “Amber isn’t ready for a relationship. You can’t just use her as your guinea pig to see if you’re capable of not sleeping around.”
“She’s not my guinea pig. Your sister and I discussed this. We both want to try it.”
Brian shook his head. “Damn it! Why couldn’t you have listened to me?” Suddenly he didn’t look angry anymore. He sank down on the armrest of the sofa.
I put a hand on his shoulder but he shook it off. “Listen, man, I’d never do anything that would hurt your sister. I really care about her,” I said, trying to be the voice of reason.
“Maybe not on purpose, Zach. But you are a womanizer. I doubt you can keep your dick in your pants for more than a couple of weeks.”
I clenched my fists. “Amber and I will make this work. Will you help me not messing up or will you stand by and keep glowering at me like I’m the second coming of Satan?”
Brian stood. He was a few inches shorter than me but somehow he managed to get us nose to nose. “For some reason, Amber wants to give you a chance. I haven’t seen her this happy since those bastards raped her. I won’t try to interfere because Amber would be angry if I did, but if you mess this up, if you hurt her, if you break her heart, our friendship is over. I’ll move out and never talk to you again, so you’d better not fuck up. Understood?”
I felt a twinge of worry. A lot was on the line. I could lose not only Amber but also Brian if I messed up. And so far my life had been a series of mess-ups. “Understood,” I said simply.
Amber
Reagan and I stepped into the kitchen, and she sat down at the table but I stayed close to the door to listen to Brian and Zach’s conversation. If they started shouting, I’d have to get between them. “So you and Zach went on a date?”
I’d sent Reagan a text earlier. I nodded.
“Tell me everything.” She pulled out the chair beside her. “And please sit down. Your brother isn’t going to kill Zach.”
“I’m not so sure.”
“Zach’s got about 50 pounds of muscle on your brother. There’s no way in hell Brian could beat Zach in a fight.”
“Is that supposed to calm me?”
Reagan patted the chair and I plopped into it. “So how was it?”
“It was nice.”
“Nice? Did you kiss?”
“Yeah, but…” My cheeks flamed. “Not really, you know?”
“So no tongue?”
I wished I could be as open about these things as Reagan. “I wanted to, but I was worried it would be too much. Or that Zach would want more if we really kissed.”
“Zach knows about your past. He wouldn’t think you’d be ready to get down and dirty because you French-kissed him,” she said. “And you can tell him ‘no’ when something is too much for you. Zach’s got his faults but he would never ever force you to do something you don’t want.”
I’d said ‘no’ three years ago. Had said it countless times. Had begged, cried, pleaded, shouted, whimpered, but that ‘no’ had meant nothing. Zach wasn’t like that. I knew that. Reagan touched my hand. “You have to voice what you want and don’t want. Believe me, Zach won’t mind if you’re open about your desires with him.”
It sounded so easy but even the word desire made me flush with embarrassment. “I don’t even know what I want.”
“You’ll find out together. If there’s one good thing about Zach’s experience, it is that he’s probably good at pleasing women.”
“Oh God.” I buried my face in my palms. “I don’t even know if I can feel something like that. Maybe what happened has made me numb.”
Reagan searched my face. “You worry that you can’t feel pleasure.” I gave a small nod. “Have you never tried to touch yourself?”
My skin felt so hot, it was a miracle that I hadn’t combusted yet. “No.”
“Why?”