I bit my lip anxiously, thinking of a way to say what was bothering me. “I wanted to talk about Zach.” I took a deep breath and told her how I'd let Zach touch my cheek the day before, which sounded almost ridiculous when voiced out loud, but it was a huge step for me. I paused, trying to find words for the feelings surging through me.
Reagan could barely contain her curiosity but she remained silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I feel normal around him. It's strange because I’ve known him for only a short time. But I just feel comfortable when he's around.” Reagan looked like she was going to burst from excitement any moment. “But with Brian...” I let out a small sigh. “With Brian everything is so tense and awkward. I'm always careful how to act around him because I know he's monitoring me. I wish our relationship would return to how it was before the incident.”
Reagan gave me an understanding smile. She took my hand and squeezed. With her, physical closeness seemed so casual, so normal. “I'm sure it will get better between Brian and you.”
I shook my head. “I barely see him anymore, though we live in an apartment together. He's always somewhere else. I don't even know what he's doing when he's gone all night and sometimes I think he's avoiding me. Maybe he can't bear to be in an apartment with me at night because of my nightmares. Sometimes I talk...or scream when I sleep.” I trailed off, feeling a lump rising in my throat.
Reagan tightened her grip on my hand when she spoke. “No, Amber. Brian is an idiot for not telling you. This entire secrecy thing didn’t accomplish anything.”
I frowned at her, not sure what she is talking about.
She let out a sigh. “Brian is gone so often because he's spending time with his girlfriend.”
My eyes widened. “Brian's got a girlfriend?”
Reagan nodded. “Yes, Lauren. They've been having an on and off relationship for a few months and she's a bit of a...tight-ass. She wants to control every aspect of his life. She calls him all the time and wants to spend every second with him.”
I was shocked and hurt. “Why didn’t he tell me?”
“Apparently, he thinks that it would bother you,” Reagan said with a shrug.
“He should have told me,” I murmured. Why couldn't he act normal around me? Why did he have to make me feel like a freak?
I stared out of the large window. “Sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all. It's like we've become strangers.”
“Don’t you think it’s a good sign that you let Zach touch you? It’s only a matter of time before you can hug your brother. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Change takes time.”
“You’re probably right.”
“So you like Zach?”
I didn’t really know the answer to her question. Of course I liked Zach. But how much did I like him? I'd wanted to talk to her so she could tell me. “I really don't know, Reagan. When I'm with him, I feel like I'm a normal girl, like I belong here. Sometimes when I'm around him I feel like I could manage to get happy. Everything seems so easy. Sometimes I manage to forget. He makes me forget.” I closed my eyes, trying to block the memories that always came back to haunt me. Reagan squeezed my hand, chasing away the painful images that threatened to overwhelm me. I opened my eyes and looked into her kind face.
“Have you told him?” she asked.
My eyes widened and I shook my head hastily. “No, of course not. How could I tell him? I mean. I don't really know what I feel and he won't return my feelings – whatever they are.”
Reagan frowned and opened her mouth to object but I continued.
“Zach can have every girl he wants. Why would he take someone like me, someone who's broken?”
Reagan interrupted me instantly. “You aren't broken, Amber.”
“But I feel like it, Reagan. I feel like those men have soiled me, like their filthy hands have tarnished me in some irrevocable way. I feel dirty and tainted, and how could Zach want something like that? How could he ever want someone like me?” I gestured at myself, barely able to keep the tears at bay.
Reagan sat perfectly still, only her head was shaking back and forth slowly, tears welling up in her eyes. “You aren't dirty, Amber.”
The sob that I'd been holding back slipped out. “But I feel so dirty, Reagan, so dirty and it just won't go away no matter what I do.” I buried my face in my palms. I heard Reagan move and then her arms wrapped around me and she pulled me against her body. “Oh Amber, don't...don't think of yourself like that. You aren't dirty or broken or tainted or any of those other nasty words. You're kind and caring and beautiful. You just have to allow yourself to see how wonderful you are.”
I let her closeness and words comfort me, though I couldn't believe what she'd said. I wanted to believe her but it seemed impossible. Feeling dirty had become a part of my life. “I'm sorry for crying all over you again,” I apologized as I pulled back and wiped the tears from my face.
Reagan shook her head vehemently. “Everyone needs a good cry now and then.” She paused, resolution filling her eyes. “And now we need to find a solution for you and Zach.”
“Reagan...” I said.
She tilted her head. “You said that you wanted to be close to someone, that you wanted something like Kevin and I have. Maybe Zach can give you that. Maybe it's meant to be. I've got a good feeling about the two of you.”
I bit my lip, gazing at her anxiously. “Reagan, how could I ever be so close to someone? I don't even let people hug me or touch me. Guys want to be able to touch their girlfriends.”
It felt surreal to even speak about the possibility of me ever becoming Zach's girlfriend, or becoming anyone’s girlfriend. Love and falling in love had always seemed out of my reach but during my talk with Reagan I'd realized that it had happened to me. I was on the fast track of falling in love with Zach.
“Amber first of all, you haven't said the truth.”
I frowned.
“You hug people. Me for example.”
“Reagan, you're not a man.”
“There isn’t that much of a difference.”
“There is for me,” I whispered.
“If you can hug me, you can hug others, too,” she said in a firm tone. I didn’t object because somehow her words seemed logical and they gave me hope.
“And,” she continued with a small, knowing smile. “You let men touch you. Zach, for example. Or have you forgotten how he touched your cheek yesterday?”
How could I forget? The memory seemed burnt into my head. The look on my face must have pleased Reagan immensely because she smiled.
“But I can't expect Zach to be satisfied with touching my cheek for all eternity. He's going to want more and I don't think I can give him that.” The smile slipped from my face as the hard truth of my words set in.
Reagan shook her head. “Before you came here you thought you'd never let someone hug you or a man touch you, and see what you've already accomplished in such a short time. It will take time, Amber, but you will be able to allow more closeness. You just need to take one little step after the other.”
Maybe she was right. Maybe I could do it. “I don't even know if Zach likes me. He could just be nice to me because Brian is his best friend.”
“He likes you, Amber. I'm sure of it and Kevin agrees,” Reagan said.
“You talked with Kevin about me and Zach?” I asked a litt
le embarrassed.
“No, Kevin mentioned that he noticed how Zach looked at you and how he talked about you. It's really obvious that he likes you very much.”
“But why hasn’t Zach said anything to me?”
Reagan let out a small laugh. “He's probably worried about your reaction and that you don't feel the same way.”
I worried my lower lip, lost in my thoughts. The situation was probably as difficult for Zach as it was for me. If he had feelings for me – and that was a big if in my mind – he had to be worried that I'd freak out if he told me. I certainly wouldn't tell him about my feelings until I was sure he actually returned them.
Reagan smacked the tabletop. “I have a wonderful idea. Let’s go out together. You, Zach, Kevin and I.”
“Don’t you think Zach will think it’s a double date?”
“So what? Don’t you want to know if he’s interested in you?”
I didn’t say anything. What if the answer was no, he wasn’t interested in me?
Reagan must have guessed my thoughts. “He does like you, Amber. Trust me.”
Zachary
Brian and I headed toward the parking lot of BU.
“Someone's waiting for you,” Brian said snidely.
I followed his gaze and groaned. Brittany was leaning against her red Mercedes and was waiting for me with a seductive smile on her face. Since our encounter in the club, we hadn't spoken. I'd assumed that she was still angry at me because I hadn't taken her home with me after our fuck but apparently she'd forgiven me by now.
“Could you wait for me?” I asked Brian when he turned to walk toward his car. He raised his eyebrows. “Are you sure? Brittany seems to plan on taking you somewhere.”
“I'm sure, Brian.”
He nodded. I went to talk to Brittany. She straightened and smirked. The skinny jeans, tight top and leather jacket was nothing in comparison to what she wore at parties but as usual she drew quite a bit of attention toward her. Many of the boys in the parking lot looked like they were sporting a hard-on simply from looking at her body. I stopped in front of her and she threw her arms around my neck before she pressed a kiss on my lips. I grabbed her arms and pried them off, taking a step back. She narrowed her eyes at me. “What are you doing?” she demanded, her red-painted lips pulled in a tight line.