“I don’t believe that.”
I slid the curtain open a smidge, enough for us to look at each other without giving him full access. “How can you say things like that, after everything that’s happened?”
He reached in and ran a hand over my wet hair. “Dani, you don’t know how much I wanted to invite you to my bed and make love to you.”
“No you didn’t. I remember DC.”
He let out a heavy exhale. “I said some stupid, hurtful things, but don’t think for a second I didn’t want you. Yes, I was still struggling with what happened between you and Brant, but the bigger issue was what happened to me in Afghanistan. How could I make love to you and then ask you not to share my bed with me every night? Nights are when my demons come out to haunt me. I was afraid I might physically harm you. That you would see how unwell my mind was.”
“I’ve known ever since you got back from Afghanistan that you needed help.”
He hung his head and nodded. “Which is why I came in here to talk to you. Here, where you couldn’t pretend you were asleep or walk away. Unless you would like to try and leave now.” He gave me a sly smile. “That I wouldn’t mind.”
I couldn’t help but smile at him. “Nice try.”
“Well, I do have a beautiful wife.”
That wiped my smile away. “Please, don’t call me that,” I begged. “It was all pretend.”
“Pretend?” He seemed shocked that I thought so. “Dani, it was never pretend for me. You are my wife,” he said so tenderly. “But you were right, getting married so soon and the way we did was a mistake.”
I grabbed my bare chest. Those words stung coming out of his mouth, as true as they were.
“I shouldn’t have married you until I was capable of treating you exactly the way you deserved to be treated. It was unfair to ask you to live as man and wife when I wasn’t ready. I was hurt and admittedly angry because of what happened between you and Brant. And quite honestly, not in my right mind when I got home. I’m still not. I had no business getting married. That said, I love you. I always have.”
“That’s not true. I have a list of women I approved for you that says otherwise.”
“Dani.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “It was always you. Do remember what my mother said about how I would change my life for you? She was right. I could have gone to medical school anywhere in the country. I had offers from all the big schools, but I stayed in Colorado because that’s where you were. During the gap year Brant and I took to travel the world before he went to law school and I went to medical school, I kept finding excuses to come back and visit you because I was miserable, wishing you were by my side enjoying the wonders of the world. I had a hundred job offers once I’d served my time in the army, but I came back here because of you. Do I need to go on?”
“No,” I squeaked out through my tears. I could scarcely believe what he was saying. All that time, I had wished and hoped yet believed I would be eternally his friend. “Then why? Why the other women? Why the waiting?”
He leaned his head back against the tiled wall. “Because I was a selfish bastard. Were there complications because of the way Brant felt for you? Yes. But ultimately, I wanted it all. The career, the accolades, freedom to do as I pleased untethered. All those women—that was just me running from the one woman I truly wanted. I knew if I started that kind of relationship with you, I could never walk away from it, and I stupidly thought settling down would hold me back. In the end, it all left me feeling hollow. When I was tied up in that hellhole, thinking I would die, I realized how I had wasted my life. How self-centered I had been. I pleaded with God, promised him that if he would help me to survive, I would come home and not waste another second on myself. I would spend it loving you and making babies with you,” he choked out. “I didn’t keep my promise to him or you,” his emotion bled through, his tears falling and getting lost in his layers of scruff.
I reached out to him with my wet hand.
He took it like a lifeline. “Dani, you don’t understand how agonizing it has been to know that you didn’t feel like you could call me after you found out about losing the baby. That you suffered alone, to the detriment of your life, all because I was too prideful to let go of what happened between you and my brother.” He kissed my hand and lingered with my palm pressed to his face. “I love you. It may have been a mistake to marry so quickly, but it wasn’t a mistake. I don’t want a divorce,” he pleaded.