“With an idiot.”
“But you tried, despite your mom’s brainwashing, and that was a good thing, until it wasn’t. Your grandpa was right. Your mom did a number on you and it had never been properly dealt with. She had never been dealt with.”
“There was no dealing with her.” I tried to keep the bitterness out of my tone. When Joanie Kramer decided on something, no one could change her mind.
“We should have at least tried.” Grandma slapped her free hand on the wood worktable.
“Grandma, I really am okay. Yeah, I’m a bit screwed up, but honestly, things could have been far worse.”
Grandma shuddered. “You don’t know how sick that thought makes me.”
Me too.
We both sighed at the same time. I wasn’t sure what else to say.
Grandma looked back over at Whitney, whose smile lit up her face as she helped Tabitha click in a piece of the dinosaur.
“I wished you would have smiled more like that when you were growing up. A smile that says all is right in the world.”
I wasn’t sure all was right in Whitney’s world, but at least she knew she was going home to what I assumed was a beautiful house, given Jonah had bought a place in the Creekside development. She knew her dad loved her and would always make her his priority. She had a lot going for her, though she lacked the peer connections every child needed and desired. But I would say she’d made a friend today by the way she and Tabitha giggled when the tail of the dinosaur fell off.
“Grandma, for a long time I was naïve enough to think my childhood wouldn’t affect me. I thought I was better than my mom, and maybe I didn’t want to deal with it because I was angry with her and I felt guilty about that. I thought I would just show her up and prove to her how wrong she was and how much better I was—until I wasn’t. I don’t want to be like her. And that still makes me feel guilty, despite everything she put me through,” I admitted through a few tears of my own.
Grandma gave me a side hug. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. You are better than your mom. You’ve taken responsibility not only for her choices, but your own. And you’ve always tried to help others. Your mom most often thought of herself.”
“I picked a cheater, just like her.”
Grandma kissed my head. “You also let a winner go.”
I bit my lip. “What if he ends up being a loser?”
“Do you really think that’s going to happen?”
“No, but that thought frightens me. I’ve been fooled before. What scares me more is what if it’s me? What if I end up screwing us up? I don’t want to return him.”
“Honey, love isn’t something you buy and then take back to the store if you’re dissatisfied. It’s hard work and a pain in the backside.” She laughed. “And I hate to break it to you, but you’re going to screw up and so is he, probably more often than you. But that’s where real love is born and made. It’s a love you’ll never know until you’re willing to risk becoming a loser.”
“That makes me feel so much better.”
“You know what I mean, kiddo. Life is full of risks. Sometimes we come out winners and sometimes we come out on the losing end. But if you don’t try, you’ll always lose.”
“My mom tried plenty. It never worked out for her.”
Grandma tilted her head. “Did she really try? Do you think she really thought those men she chose were going to give her what she really wanted or needed?”
I shrugged. “Then why?”
“I ask myself that all the time. I’ve wondered if we didn’t do enough for her as a child. She obviously had some need she wanted to fill. She loved attention. It was cute when she was younger, not so much as she aged. I mean, look at her artwork. It was provocative and edgy—it garnered attention, both good and bad. She thrived off it.” She rested her hand on my cheek. “You’re nothing like that. And Jonah is nothing like the men she chose, not even Kaden was, if you don’t mind me saying.”
“I kind of do,” I growled.
Grandma laughed. “Well, honey, he was well employed, polite, he didn’t drink in excess or do drugs, or have any criminal record. Obviously, he ended up being a louse, but that was his problem, not yours. I hesitate to say this, but good people can make bad choices. It’s unfortunate that they affect those they love.”
“I don’t know if Kaden ever loved me,” I contradicted her.
“That man loved you. Not as well as he should have, but honey, you took a risk. How were you to know how it would end, given what he presented to you upfront?”