“What is it about this girl?” he asks, and there’s a sorrow in his eyes that wasn’t there a minute ago. “Why her?”
I shake my head, refusing to go there. Carson could never understand. He doesn’t hook up anymore. The guy is practically a fucking monk as far as I know. Girls throw themselves at him often, but he never bites. It would be impossible for him to comprehend what it’s like to want someone beyond all logic and reason.
“What if it happens again?” He squeezes the bottle of pills in his hand. “What if she destroys you?”
“It won’t.” I stand abruptly and avert my eyes. “You should get some rest.”
“Yeah, sure. Whatever.”
He sounds disappointed in me, and I don’t need him to tell me I’m an asshole. My doubts are loud enough without adding anyone else’s to the mix.
“I’ll stop by again in a couple of days,” I say.
He doesn’t respond.“Why are you still here?”
My mother glances up from the sofa, her cigarette dangling from her lips. Her hair is a ratty mess, and she stinks like she hasn’t showered in days. Fucking disgusting.
“I told you,” she mumbles around the paper. “I’m not going anywhere until I get what I want.”
“You know it might be faster if I just gave you a box of rat poison.” I stare through her. “It’ll probably taste the same in your crack pipe.”
“What did you just say to me?” She flings herself off the couch and stomps toward me in her neon pink heels. I know what’s coming, but I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m in the mood for some pain tonight.
“You want to kill yourself, do it somewhere else,” I spit at her.
She wraps her bony fingers around my face, her yellowed claws biting into my skin. “You think you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you? Well, let me tell you something. You don’t have a fucking clue how hard it is out there in the real world.”
“From where I’m standing, you don’t have it so bad either.” I pry her dirty fingers off my face. “When’s the last time you actually worked for anything? And I don’t mean spreading your legs to my father.”
Red blotches bloom across her face as her entire body vibrates with rage. She’s always reminded me of one of those angry bombs in the cartoons before they exploded. When I was a kid, I thought it was strange how she’d go off on me during breaks on set, and everyone else would just pretend not to notice. Their reactions affirmed this was normal, and it was okay. So, whenever she hit me, I took it because I figured maybe once she was done being mad, she would love me again. Except she never loved me. It just took me fourteen years to figure that out.
“You ungrateful little shit!” She hurls her clenched fist at me with all her might. “I will destroy your whole fucking life. Just watch me!”
Thwack.
“I wish I’d just aborted you!”
Thwack.
“You’re fucking worthless! WORTHLESS!”
She peppers her assault with a diatribe of expletives, and I stand there like a punching bag, taking it. Nothing pissed her off more than when I got too big for her to push around. Now, I’m immovable. As hard as she tries, it doesn’t produce the results she wants, and it burns her alive. A scream of frustration erupts from her throat as she grabs my hair and yanks until she produces a clump in her hand.
My vision blurs, and hot liquid pricks my eyes. I shove her away, wondering what the fuck I’m even doing here. Does high school matter? Does anything really matter?
“Get the fuck out of my house,” I call over my shoulder as I start to walk away.
Her heels clomp after me, but she always does this. She’ll probably try to throw one last fist. I’m expecting it. But I’m not expecting a fucking cannon.
Something crashes into the back of my head, shattering as I stumble forward in a stupor. Blood trickles down my temple as my knees collapse onto the tile. Suzy launches herself onto my back and jams the cherry of her cigarette into my neck as my face hits the marble.
“Give. Me. My. Fucking. Money!”
For a few delirious moments, I can’t seem to move. The smell of burning flesh makes my stomach revolt, and all I can think about is how much I want this to be over. Why can’t she just fucking go away?
When her cigarette dies, she wraps her hands around my neck and tries to squeeze the life out of me. She wishes I was dead. Then she could have everything in my bank account. The only thing that matters to her.
I pry her fingers off my throat and fling her hundred-pound frame off me. She lands on her bony ass with a shriek and then tries to come at me again when I stagger to my feet.