Tasha turned to me. “I can see a lot of love in your relationship and I think the issues you two face are clear. You’ve made the move from friends to lovers without fully understanding what that means. You can’t just have the same relationship you had before. It’s not going to work for either of you, but that isn’t bad. It just means that you’ll grow stronger in other ways.”
“Yeah, I guess we’ll have to figure it out.”
“Okay. Now here’s the tough part.” Tasha stood up and handed us both a piece of paper. “I want you both to write down your number one concern in the relationship and then I want you to read it out loud.” She handed us two pens. “Write, now.” She instructed us and we both scribbled on the paper quickly. “Okay, done?” She asked and we both nodded. “I want you to read out what you’ve written down. You first, Clementine.”
I cleared my throat and read quickly. “I’m scared that Rhett is going to miss the life of being a player and is going to want to be with another girl. I’m scared he’s either going to cheat on me or he’s going to lose interest.” I said softly and Tasha nodded.
“You now Rhett.” There was silence for a few seconds and then Rhett spoke up.
“I’m scared that Clementine is going to realize that I’m not good enough for her. I’m scared she’s going to grow tired of me. I’m scared she’s going to find someone better. I’m scared that I’m not good enough and she’s going to leave me.” He stopped and I felt my heart beating rapidly at his words. I turned to look at him and we both stared at each other, fear and love in our eyes. It was hard voicing our fears, but it was also hard listening to the other person as well. As we sat there, we both knew that both of our fears were valid in different ways. We loved each other, but our relationship was more complex than that. We were more complex than our base feelings. We’d been in each other’s lives for so long, yet we’d never had an intimate relationship like this. Neither one of us had been prepared for the other issues to creep up into the relationship so quickly. But then again, neither one of us had any real experience with relationships.
“I’m so glad you were both honest with your issues.” Tasha beamed at us and there was an understanding in her eyes. “That’s the most important first step. Being honest means that there is hope. There is hope for both of you. We just need to get to the root of those problems.”
We sat back and smiled and nodded, but I knew she was simplifying how far we’d come. Yes, we had acknowledged we had issues. However, getting to the root of the problems was going to be a much harder feat than just acknowledging them.
Chapter Seven
Rhett
Homesick is hard when you don’t know
Just where it is that you call home.
I don’t know how this roof’s going to hold.
It’s oh so cold.
It’s been snowing too hard I fear.
Yes, I know that it’s pretty here,
And the air is clear.
But the years aren’t passing fast enough this way.
Maybe you can save me now.
I’m not sure how.
I’m calling out for that
I’m crying out for that.
“Homesick” by David Berkeley- Some Kind of Cure
I sat with the phone cradled next to my ear feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it scared me more than I wanted to admit to myself. I stared at the wall in front of me wishing that Clementine was home, but she was at school still.
“Can you come home?” The voice was impersonal. “She’s not in a good way.”
“What can I do if I come back to South Carolina?” My voice sounded cold, but I didn’t know how to sound any other way.
“Maybe you can talk to her. She has Cirrhosis of the liver.” He sounded bored as if he were talking about an everyday cough. “If she doesn’t stop drinking, she’s going to die.”
“How long has she known?” I had to know the answer.
“Two years.” He said without a change in his tone. I wondered how many times the doctor had made this call to family members. How many times he had had to tell someone that a loved one was dying and it was all their own fault.
“I see.” I blinked and all I could think about was Clementine. Where was she? Was she with Holden? How ironic that she was worried about me cheating on her when she was the one that was hanging out with other guys. I knew I was being irrational. I knew that she was just studying with him, but I also knew now for a fact that he wanted her.
“Rhett, I know this is hard for you. I know you just moved, but it could really help if you came down. I’ll let you think about it and see what you can do. Feel free to call the office if you have any questions, Rhett. You’re her only family.” And then just like that, he hung up.
My face was cold, my stomach felt heavy, the tears sat in the bottom of my eyes, wanting to fall. I could feel the vein in my upper thigh throbbing as I sat there. I felt nothing inside. Nothing, but a big empty void of pain. I felt like I’d just cut my arm off. I felt like I’d lost a part of myself. And I had no one to talk to. No one would be able to understand how I felt. I didn’t want to hear that things would get better. I didn’t want to hear that she loved me underneath it all. I didn’t want to hear that I was better off without her. The truth of the matter was that she was my mother and all I wanted, was for her to love me. All I wanted was for her to say I was enough. I was enough reason to stop drinking. I was enough for her to get her act together. I wanted to be her little boy. I wanted to be the apple of her eye. I wanted to be enough to take the pain away. Didn’t she realize how much I loved her? Didn’t she know how much I wanted to take away her pain? Didn’t she know that she was killing herself as well as me? Didn’t she know that I’d give it all up, everything to just understand why?