I can all but feel the sadness seep into both of us. There is an ocean forming between us. I thought I actually saved her, brought her out of the dark, but maybe it’s me who is still keeping her in the dark. Maybe I’m what’s hurting her the most.
“Everyone has a choice, Enzo. Everyone has a chance to change things for the better. Your past doesn’t define you and without a future path outlined, you’re free to do whatever you want.”
What is she saying? I’m growing angry from simple confusion.
“There is no path to choose from, Amara. No path to walk along. My path was chosen long before you came along.”
How can I change something I never had a choice in? How the fuck did we even get to this subject? We’re supposed to have a simple dinner, just like normal people.
“I didn’t me—”
“No, you did. The mafia will always run in your blood, and I get that. I seriously fucking do. You’ve lost so much and dealt with so much pain, I knew it wouldn’t be easy to get over. Just know, the person who raised me from birth died at your hands, and I had to learn to deal with my anger elsewhere…”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I bark, drawing attention to us. I don’t care though. I’ve no idea what she means with that statement.
“You need to get over whatever is inside of you holding you back from moving on. I know you watched your mom die, but I watched you kill John. Looks like we aren’t far from one another, after all.”
Still reeling from her words, lost in my own mind, I barely register when she gets up. Where the fuck does she think she is going?
Gripping the table to the point of pain, I push myself up, throwing a fifty down before I go after her.
As soon as I’m out the door, I run to her, grabbing her by the lapels of her coat. Spinning her around, I turn her to face me. Her cheeks are streaked with fresh tears.
“You want to tell me what the fuck is going on because I’m confused here.” Frustrated with the whole situation, I start rubbing my palm against my head. I don’t know how to talk about problems. I simply deal with them in a different manner.
“There is nothing to talk about, Enzo. You are who you are, and I made a mistake thinking you had changed.”
“Changed? What the hell would make you think I had changed?”
“You…” She shoves against my chest with far more strength than I knew she had, “you’re just so dumb. You don’t even absorb anything…” Frustration laces her words, and I’m unsure if I should talk or not.
“I thought you would change for us. For some reason, I thought when all this was over, we would be able to be together. I thought maybe you would leave your old life behind for me.” She seems surprised by her own confession, and I’m shocked into silence.
“I—” What am I supposed to say to that? I can’t ever just walk away from the mafia. This isn’t a fucking career choice, and the fact she makes it seem like it baffles me.
“You think this is what I want? You think I want to be this person? You think I want to drag your feelings all over the place and kill people? Hell, I’m killing myself in the process, Amara,” I huff the words out, every single word a lash meant to be against her skin.
“I thought—I mean—couldn’t we have—” Her words aren’t making sense, but I know exactly what she is trying to say.
“No, we can’t. I’ll never be normal. I’ll never live in the suburbs and have a nine to five job. I plan on winning this war and taking my rightful place once again.”
Her face grows redder with every word I say, and my heart is bleeding for her…for the future we may or may not have.
“I never asked for you to be perfect, Enzo.” She shoves against my chest, getting in my face. “I simply thought you finally realized…” She shakes her head.
“Realized what?”
“It’s not important. I was a fool to have these thoughts. I thought you changed, after all the things you said to me. I hoped you would become someone I want you to be. Or maybe I just saw a glimpse of the real you?”
“I am who I am. This is me. The monster in the flesh before you.” I push her back until she is against a wall with nowhere to run.
“You are a shell of the man you could be. You simply exist because dealing with the pain of what happened had been too much. Think whatever you want, Lorenzo King, but know you can’t hide who you really are. I’ve already had a taste of the man underneath, and I will do anything I can to never let him go.”