I went through the day with my mind spinning in circles, and I was short with Drew when he asked me about the weekend with something more than friendly curiosity in his voice. I ignored Adria, completely pretended like she didn’t exist when she tried to talk to me, and I almost cried when I saw my latest assignment in my Math Theory class. After everything that had happened, it was the big fat F on my most recent project that had me on the verge of breaking down. If I hadn’t caught the vindictive gleam in the TA’s eye, if I hadn’t had far more pressing issues weighing me down, I might have done something rash. This was one more problem on top of my already gargantuan pile that I needed to work on finding a fix for. On the other hand, if I had to drop out of school to get another job, failing this class and tanking my GPA wouldn’t matter one way or the other.
I dodged Drew and even skipped out on coffee with Dovie so I could go straight to work and not have to interact with anyone. I wasn’t really fit company for civilized people at the moment, and I think even my customers noticed. Ramon was giving me sideways looks, and finally when the shift was over, he cornered me and hounded me until I gave him the glossed-over version of what was going on. I didn’t tell him about the gambling and didn’t go into minute detail, but by the end of the recap I was shaking and holding on to everything I was feeling until it felt like it was just too much.
I let him hug me as I shook and fought back tears. He kissed me on the top of my head and told me everything would be all right. That wasn’t really a possibility, and because I knew it, it made me shake even harder. When he walked me out to my car, I got that creepy feeling like someone was watching me again, and made sure I kept my eyes peeled for any kind of impending danger in the parking lot.
“What about the car?”
I looked at Ramon and frowned. “What about my car?”
He shrugged a little. “It’s a nice ride, worth some money. If you’re really desperate you could sell it.”
I looked at the BMW and then back at him. “I still owe on it.”
“Doesn’t matter. BMWs are classic. Rich people always want them. Get rid of it, pay the loan off, and then use the rest of the cash to get you and your sister situated. Then you don’t have to worry about the payment and you have a cushion to land on. Flimsy as it may be.”
Ugh. It made perfect sense and I hated it. I loved my car. It really did feel like my last tie to independence.
“That still doesn’t help me figure out what I’m going to do about money for my mom.”
He bent and kissed me on the cheek and ushered me into the car. “Honey, your parents are grown-ass adults. It’s not your job to take care of them. It was their job to take care of you and they are absolutely awful at it. You have too much on your plate to be trying to save anyone else but you and Karsen at this point.”
Maybe that was true, but I didn’t know how to let it go after holding on to it all so tightly for so long.
I didn’t want to go home, but I wasn’t ready to talk to Race yet either. Not that he had reached out to me. I wasn’t sure what we had to say to each other, and I hated that things felt so unfinished and unsatisfying between the two of us. I needed to honestly figure out if Race and all the things that came with him were really things I could deal with. I wasn’t lying when I told him his job sucked and that I thought he ruined lives. The only thing that kept me from being able to totally walk away was that I could see that even though he knew what I said was true, he took no pleasure in doing what he did. To him, he really was just providing something the Point needed to have in order to keep from cannibalizing itself.
Tuesday was more of the same. I hadn’t slept very well Monday night, and it had more to do with wanting to curl up next to a hard, warm body and missing the feel of golden hair against my skin than it did with the stress of trying to figure out the rest of my unsteady life. Karsen told me I looked like crap, and it took twice as much effort to avoid Adria and blow off Drew than it had the day before. It was bad enough that I actually contemplated calling in sick for work, but considering the root of everything wrong at the moment had to do with money, I figured that would be a bad idea.
By the middle of the week, I was exhausted and tired of running in circles. I was going to sell the BMW. I was going to drop the Math Theory class, even if it meant postponing my degree, and I decided I was going to call Race after my shift that night. I was sick of simply letting things happen around me, I needed to take control of my circumstances back. When Drew caught up with me before class, I let him stop me and I was even going to apologize for being so short with him over the last few days, when I was surprised by the professor interrupting us.