She continued to drink her wine, her eyes on me. She would redirect her gaze, and it seemed to be forced, like she was trying not to stare so much. There was an invisible line between us, and she stayed far away from it, like she was afraid to spook me at any moment.
I didn’t scare easily, but I knew she was traumatized by my absence, hurt so much that she was terrified to experience it again. I wished I could go back in time and do so much differently.
“What has your life been like the last two months?” She didn’t interact with me, hardly saw me, so she had no idea what my day-to-day activity had been like. She used to be part of everything, even when we weren’t together. She knew about my schedule when she dropped off my mail or made deliveries.
“I worked most of the time.”
“So, you were in the lab?”
I nodded. “I didn’t see Derek much because Valerie was pissed at me.”
“Because you told her about me?”
I nodded. “So, I worked the way I used to, like I did when I first moved here. My misery was obvious because colleagues commented on it. And when we got back together, they noticed the change in the opposite direction.”
“Those people probably know you pretty well since they spend so much time with you.”
I thought about everything that had happened with Kathleen. I felt like it was best not to tell Cleo, so if they interacted again, it wouldn’t be tense. But not telling her made me feel like a liar, made me feel like I was doing the very thing I asked her not to do…which made me a hypocrite. “A while ago…Dr. Hawthorne asked me out.”
She was about to lift her glass from the table, but her fingers quickly released the stem, like that knowledge was a bit upsetting. She dropped her gaze and immediately looked uncomfortable, even though I’d told her I was never with anyone. Her hand moved into her hair, like she needed to fidget just so she had something to do with her fingers. “That doesn’t surprise me.”
“I said no, obviously.”
She still wouldn’t look at me.
“And I told her it was because I was in love with you…even if we weren’t together anymore.”
She inhaled a deep breath, her eyes still on the table.
“I don’t want to upset you. I just felt deceitful not telling you it happened.”
“I understand, Deacon. I had already assumed that it had happened.”
Her assessment of my colleague had been right, so perhaps her meltdown at the charity dinner wasn’t completely ridiculous. Although, the entire interaction would have been avoided if she hadn’t hidden our relationship from the world.
“When you told me you hadn’t been with anyone, she was the first person who came to my mind…and I was relieved.” She finally had the courage to look at me again, now that the bandage had been ripped from the skin.
“After my divorce, I was eager to get back in the game. The chains of monogamy were no longer on my wrists. Every woman I saw in the bar was sexy. I wasn’t picky. Anytime an offer was put on the table, I took it. I was a man in my prime, aroused, anxious for sex. But then those desires suddenly stopped.” I could see the way she winced slightly at my description, but she didn’t ask me to stop.
“It was months before we got together. I just lost my attraction to other women. I went to the bar with Tucker but always left alone, despite the offers. And then we got together…and that kind of monogamy was better than all the casual sex I’d had. And it was obviously better than what I had with Valerie. Once that monogamy was over…nothing changed. I didn’t want to go back. After what we’d had, everything else was a major letdown. It’s like going from high-definition TV to standard. You just can’t go back…” I knew it wasn’t romantic to compare the woman I loved to television quality, but I couldn’t think of a better example.
“Casual sex is exciting to most people, but to me, it became dull once I had what we had—that incredible, passionate, powerful, deep…connection. My point is, you describe Dr. Hawthorne as this sexy woman, but I honestly don’t see her that way. Because I’ve become incapable of it after you.” Cleo was the only woman who made my dick hard, the only one who got me in the mood, the only one I had any sexual feelings for. That had never happened to me before, even in my short-term relationships. I was like a penguin now, picking a mate for life.
She took a deep breath, her eyes watering slightly at what I’d said, like it meant the world to her.