“Yes.” She nodded with apprehension.
“And you know how the squad is really close-knit?”
“Yes.” Her eyes widened and she nodded with more apprehension.
“I need advice,” I said.
“Advice?” She cocked her head to the side then straightened. “My big brother is asking for advice.”
I took a bite of my food and swallowed.
“Why don’t you start by telling me about Gwen.”
That was a good place to start. The conversation flowed freely from there. I left out the details about the hotel room and the masquerade ball, focusing instead on the doubt and apprehension I was sensing from Gwen.
I was hoping that Alexa, without going into her own intimate details, could give me some insight into what Gwen might be going through, how she might be seeing things and what the squad could do to ease her fears.
Alexa kept going back to honesty and open communication.
“Of course,” I said, “but how am I supposed to tell her what’s going on if I don’t even know what’s going on myself?”
“Axel, being honest isn’t about telling her what’s going on—at least it’s not only about that. It’s about sharing your doubts and concerns, even if you don’t understand them yourself.”
I shook my head. “It’s complicated.” I looked around the dining room, which was mostly empty. Still, I leaned across the table and whispered, “I think I might be falling in love.”
Alexa didn’t respond straight away. After a while and a few bites of food, she said, “I think there’s a difference between loving somebody and falling in love.” she looked at me, perhaps expecting a reaction. I didn’t say anything; I listened.
“Falling in love,” she continued, “implies a kind of loss of control. That’s exciting, of course, but it’s potentially dangerous.”
“But loving somebody?” I asked.
“That’s about nurturing a deeply held respect for someone, caring about their concerns and their well-being. At least that’s the way I see it.”
“I see what you mean,” I said. “I shouldn’t be worried about loving her, but maybe I should be careful not to fall in love with her. I think I might see the difference. Easier said than done.”
“True.”
I was impressed with my little sister, and I told her so. “You’re actually pretty wise.”
“Actually? You sound surprised.”
I shook my head. “I’m just surprised that I haven’t remarked on that sooner.”
“Awe.” She leaned over, put her hand on mine and squeezed.
“Alexa,” I said.
“Axel.”
“I know you’re busy with work and all,” I said. “But we have to see each other one more time before I’m deployed.”
She smiled and nodded. “I promise.”
“Thank you.”
“Does she know about your deployment?”
I nodded. “Eight months.”
“Eight?” She seemed surprised. “I thought it was six.”
“Yeah, but it changed.”
“Ouch. That is a long time.”
We ate in silence for a moment then I asked her, “Alexa, do you ever notice your guys getting jealous? I mean, are they competitive? Does one try to pull you away from the group?”
She thought about it a moment then shook her head. “No, I haven’t noticed. Have you?”
15
Nolan
Only two weeks until our deployment and I still didn’t have my photo of Gwen. She would have given me one if I’d asked, but I wasn’t ready yet. A photo is permanent—at least it should be. It’s a moment in time, a feeling, captured and preserved in something tangible, something you can hold onto that won’t slip through your fingers. If I had a photo of Gwen and I looked at it late at night while we were overseas, I would have to know that she was at home waiting for me, waiting for us. I didn’t have that confidence yet.
Things were going by so fast; our relationship was accelerating at such a pace, I didn’t have time to stop and consider just where it was going. I told Manny as much, but he just told me to relax, that I worry too much. I knew Manny well enough to spot his false bravado. He was just as worried as I was.
We’ve got two weeks to set everything straight, to turn what we’ve got from a fleeting adventure to something strong and lasting. Is two weeks enough time to do all that, to make sure she’s going to wait eight months for us to get back?
I’d planned on going down to The Bean Counter with Axel after lunch, but at the last minute Axel got another shift dumped on him. No one else was free, and if I didn’t go now, it would be days before I’d see her again: days during which my doubts would grow and eat away at me. So, I headed to The Bean Counter alone.
I’d never been alone with Gwen. Even though we’d established that going down to The Bean Counter was not against the rules, it still didn’t sit right with me. I had to remind myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, that I wasn’t being a traitor. The simple fact of telling myself that further increased my anxiety. That’s never a good sign when you have to tell yourself you’re not being a traitor.