Though it’s hard, very hard, I’m not going to trade long-term happiness for short-term pleasure. And that’s all it would be with them. Short-term.
“Great. Thank you. I don’t want things to be awkward here.” I give them each a half-smile, because that’s all I can manage, and I make my way to the conference room door. “Have a good evening.”
The next couple of days are like Groundhog Day: I sleep terribly, the men look gorgeous, and I struggle to stay focused on my work while my head wages a war of reason against the desires of my body and heart. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I tell myself it will get easier. I just need to be patient.
On Friday morning before any of the men are in, a woman arrives at the office. “Hi, I’m Joslyn. I’m here to see Nathan and Derek.”
She’s got silky blond hair, plump red lips, and a skirt that shows off her long, toned legs. Jealousy jumps on me out of nowhere, its long green tendrils snaking into the far recesses of my mind, conjuring images of Joslyn bent over a desk with Nathan, Ash, Landon, and Derek gathered around her.
My ears are ringing with the sound of rushing blood as I tell Joslyn to have a seat. What is wrong with me?
The green-eyed monster grows larger still when Derek arrives. He gives me a nod before turning his full attention to Joslyn and eventually escorting her past me toward the conference room. She has a laptop bag with her; it’s clear she’s here on business, but that doesn’t stop my imagination from torturing me with alternate scenarios.
About twenty minutes after Nathan arrives and joins the meeting with Derek and Joslyn, I find a reason to walk past the conference room, hoping the door will be open. No such luck. The closed door has my brain running wild with images of what might be happening inside the room, and I know my mind is playing mean tricks on me, but the scenes I’m imagining hurt nonetheless.
It’s a strange feeling, too. I can’t remember when I’ve ever been jealous of a man, but right now I want to burst into the conference room, grab Joslyn by her lustrous locks, and drag her to the front door.
Amy’s standing in her office doorway when I head back to my desk. “You okay, hun?”
I attempt to force a smile, but I’m just tired of it. I’ve been trying so hard to pretend that everything’s okay, and I can’t find the energy to do it anymore.
She puts an arm around my shoulder and walks with me. “You’ve been down all week. Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, I’m fine,” I say without much conviction.
“Does it have something to do with the men? Because I’ve noticed the way you’ve been looking at them.” Her eyes are on mine and she sees some truth there that I can’t hide. When I shake my head, she says, “You can tell me.” She smiles. “You don’t have to worry about office gossip. There’s no one else here to gossip to.”
We’re back in the lobby and I flop into one of the guest chairs that Joslyn had been in earlier. Amy sits down next to me. “Did they hurt you?”
“No, they didn’t hurt me.”
She raises a disbelieving brow and frowns.
“No, really, they didn’t hurt me. I haven’t given them the power to hurt me. I haven’t asked them for anything.” Her hand on my arm is comforting and, for some reason, it feels good to say these words aloud. “The problem is that the more I’m around them, the more I want things from them that I know they’re not prepared to give.”
“Oh, honey.”
“I should’ve kept my distance. You warned me, I know.”
“Oh, no. I get it. I have eyes, and I’m not dead inside.” She squeezes my forearm and gives a sympathetic smile. “I can see how they’d be very hard to resist.”
I sit, staring down at my lap, not sure what else to say. It felt good to get my feelings out, but being here at the office, my mind jumps back to the conference room and my jealousy flares. How am I going to cope with feeling possessive over something that isn’t mine and never will be?
A door opens down the hall and voices emerge. Before I make a move to stand, Amy pats my leg. “You’re a smart girl. You know they’re not right for you, and you’re not going to let yourself get hurt.” She smiles and we both stand as we hear Nathan, Derek, and Joslyn coming closer. “You’ll get over them. You’ll see.”
21
I was warned
Amy’s words echo in my head the rest of the day. I’ll get over them. I will. I’m a strong woman, and I’ll get over them. It will just take time.