I did as she commanded, because she was right. No way could I handle all of this without the subtle softening of the edges that wine gave.
Rosie waited until I swallowed. “We’ve got one of the best lawyers in the country ready to roll,” she continued. “They’ve got connections and balls that means she’s not gonna be scared by whatever shit his father pulls to try and scare her off. Plus, I’m guessing like father like son, he’ll be a coward. When he sees the extent of shit we have on Robert, he’ll back off, try to save his own ass. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s gonna suck. You’re gonna have to face him in a courtroom. Recount everything he did to you. But you are going to see him locked away for life. You’re going to be able to be the reason why he never gets to see daylight again. That he’s raped by a man called ‘Big Earl’ on the daily.” She grinned. “You’re going to be able to fight back. Even better, you’re going to be able to win.”
I couldn’t help but take on some of her smile. The prospect of being in court, of having to say out loud, to a room full of strangers, what he did to me, it filled my stomach with bile. But the prospect of showing him that he didn’t break me, showing him that I was stronger than he thought, being part of the reason why he was punished for a multitude of sins, it was tempting.
But there were realities to think about. Realities that were rushing in.
“I can’t afford a lawyer,” I told her. “I’m already going to be spending the rest of my life paying off Keltan’s fee, along with insurance premiums on the house.” Just saying it all out loud filled me with bottomless panic.
Rosie’s smile disappeared and she looked kind of scary. “Okay, that’s something we’ve got to nip right in the bud. Keltan is rich as fuck. I know it’s crass to say, but I’m sure that when people describe me, crass is somewhere in the top ten. He makes his living off rich assholes who think their spouse is cheating, who need security, or fucked off the wrong drug dealer. Beyond that, he has a super famous writer for a wife and they are in no way hurting for money. None of the Greenstone team is.”
I knew that.
I knew that from the clothes they wore, vehicles they drove, the fact they all owned places in LA.
Rosie was still narrowing her eyes at me. “They didn’t do this because they want anything to help a woman get her son back,” she said, looking out the window. “We’re doing this because you’re a part of our family. I know you’re fiercely independent, that you want to stand on your own two feet. And girl, I see that, I love it and I look up to that. You’re a strong woman. But you’re not a stupid one.”
She raised her brow at me. “Understand what an insult it would be if you even think about trying to bring up paying Keltan for this. Any of it. We’re here because we want to be. I’m here because I want my kid to learn off you.” She winked at me. “You wanna pay us? Get that beautiful life of yours back together. Have more parties with that mac and cheese. Make guac for me. Give your boy the life you both deserve. It’s not weak to accept help, Elena.”
“Okay,” I whispered, looking out the window. “Okay.”
I took a breath, thinking about lawyers, court testifying.
Then I looked back to Rosie.
“It was rape,” I whispered.
She didn’t say anything, not even when my pause after that ugly word stretched on and on. She waited.
“I’ve never let myself think about what it was. What was really happening to me. Because it was easier to think of it as sex. Like Robert did. Like he assured me it was. And I don’t think at that time, I could’ve handled admitting to myself that along with beating me, my husband was raping me.”
Tears streamed down my face.
I was happy that they were finally being shed. That I was being cleansed with saltwater and ugly admissions. I knew if I held onto this it would kill parts of me that I could never get back.
“Because me saying no. Me crying. The pain. That was all rape,” I said. “It didn’t matter he was my husband. The father of my child, or I’d ‘let’ him do it many times before, because that’s what he said. That’s what it was. But it doesn’t define me. It defines him. In all the worst ways.”
I regarded Rosie.
“I’m ready to do it. Anything I can to take him down.”
And I was.