“Mom, you shouldn’t be out of bed,” I scolded gently, my stomach turning at the way she held that frame for support, the way her colored pants hung off her emaciated frame. “And you most definitely shouldn’t be giving me presents,” I added.
Her bright eyes lit up, and she gave me a mischievous grin. “I’m the mother here, I say when I should and shouldn’t be out of bed,” she teased. “And, as the mother, it is my prerogative to give my daughter gifts. Now come on,” she waved her hand at me.
Despite the sorrow swimming in the depths of my soul, I smiled and walked toward her. I was getting good at making it look genuine. She linked her arm in mine, and I didn’t miss how heavily she leaned into me.
“Sit,” she commanded when we made it to her brightly decorated bedroom.
I did as she commanded and planted myself on the quilt that she and I had made when we first moved here. My eyes flickered around the room at the photos, at the scarves draped over lamps, antique perfume bottles arrayed on her dresser and clothes messily strewn across the floor. It looked normal. Like nothing had changed. My eyes touched the multiple pill bottles scattering her nightstand. Harbingers of change. Of doom.
“Here,” she exclaimed.
I moved my weary gaze to where she was standing by her overflowing closet, blinking away my tears. That didn’t really work when my eyes caught what she had in her hands.
“Mom,” I choked.
She gave me a chastising look. “No tears. Put it on,” she commanded, thrusting it at me.
I took it woodenly and as if on autopilot, I divested myself of my clothes and put on the garment she handed to me.
She zipped me up and stood behind me as we both looked in the mirror.
“Prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, my Lily,” she whispered in my ear. “I knew the moment I saw it, it was you. It would be what you wore on your wedding day, to help you shine. The day you walked down to meet the man who appreciates everything my beautiful Lily is. Sees in you. Exactly who you are,” she continued in a bright voice.
Tears streamed silently down my cheeks as I looked at the dress she’d bought for me. The wedding dress. The sheer long sleeves were flowing and tapered in with a button at my wrists. The entire bodice was delicate flowered lace. From underneath my breasts, it cascaded down to my knees in layers of sheer fabric. It was the palest yellow you could imagine, and it fit me like it was made for me.
“I won’t be there when you meet him,” Mom whispered, pulling my hair back. “I won’t be here to watch that love blossom for my beautiful girl. I won’t be able to walk you down that aisle. I won’t be there in body, sweetheart. But I think the universe let me find this so I could be there in spirit,” she told me softly, pulling half my hair from my face.
I stared in the mirror a moment longer, then whirled, curling into my mother’s arms.
“You will be, Mom,” I sobbed into her chest. “You will be there, it’s not the end. You’re not leaving me,” I choked out.
She stroked my head and pulled back to hold me at arm’s length. She gazed at me with twinkling eyes.
“It’s not the end, Lily. It’s just a new beginning, I finally get to see what’s beyond the horizon,” she whispered.
I fingered the fabric on the dress, remembering that moment. The beauty of it. I didn’t believe in that stuff like Mom did, the universe, fate, the other side. How could I when the universe, fate, took my mom away from me? Took everything away from me. I couldn’t help but reconsider my cynicism. Because I felt her, right at that moment, looking at myself in the mirror. I didn’t just see myself, I saw her. I felt her warm presence at my side.
I blinked away my tears and took the bouquet of daisies Bex handed me. “Are you okay?” I asked with concern. Her black dress hung off her, and even makeup couldn’t cover the gray tinge to her skin.
She had refused to be anywhere but here, despite the fact she was still struggling with withdrawals. She hadn’t been angry that Asher knew, the two of them had had a hushed conversation that I hadn’t been privy to, but they seemed okay. Lucky seemed to be her shadow, much to her distaste. There was something between them. I think it scared her. He hadn’t figured out the truth yet, and I knew that terrified her.
She gave me a faux frown. “This is your wedding day, Lil, you’re not allowed to think about anyone but yourself….” she instructed firmly and paused. “I’m okay. I will be okay. Seeing you find this … happiness. It makes me happier than anything, Lils babe. Your mom would be so proud of you,” she whispered. “She would’ve approved, of him. Of the two of you.”